Somethings wrong with my communication network these days. Mobiles, msn, facebook... so now i retreat to xanga. I'm sorry if I missed any appointments lately (which I know I had, really apologized for that. I will try to make up for it, if you allow me to), or missed out few emails or msgs that you sent me. So either way, any important emails, send them again please.

Thinking about it, xanga is more suitable for me. Facebook, can't really update when you stop writing in each other's wall, or stop updating your status or getting applications. Notes, as far as I am concerned, even they serve the same function as what xanaga is doing here, are far too publicized and open that it's hard to write everyday or link something really personal to it. Xanga... hahaha. I know none of my school mates will actually come here and read wht I am typing. At most, are people from dance and mss before. 

Tomorrow will be busy, last day before I leave for Toronto. Have to get my ID card in the early morning, then go to Central, then dance, then albert, then hand my cheque, then get flip flops, then gav, then home for dinner. O god, why I squished everything till the last minute?

Got my sch report for finals, erhhh..... worse than I could imagine. Maths and English, both need much more work. That occasional slip for Econ really shouldn't happen again. Well.... two months for summer, time to catch up on Lower Six Maths, and read all those english texts, and finish the portfolios.

Let's see (haha... xanga acts as my planner somehow)

- hist portfolio internal

- econ get article and commentary

-maths portfolio planning (ummmmm.... how nice)

- hist extended essay first draft sept (get booklist!! order and .... read =.=)

-study SAT bio, and lit (troublesome)

-university lists (UK and US... gosh. stop considering too much)

- Bio study for exam in Sept

-past paper... esp maths and bio. sighh... so much work.

- world lit essay (gosh... this is tragedy for me... i hate my topic. and still, can't think of a good one. and i have to stick with my one anyways...sigh)

-work on my Maths (jesus, it's HL. Spend more time on it, winnie...)

-read Great Expectations, and read Germinal once more if i have time (most probably not). And Othello too.

-be familiar with my calculator.... in case Someone is bored and decides to set some programs or mess up my cal

- get Physio work shadowing (troublesome..)

Most important:

figure out my priorities and approach next year. I am too easily distracted. Should have learnt my lesson, though I did not. History repeats itself... so true. Can't believe I did exactly the same thing as F5, this is the consequence? Time for compensation. Believe in effort rather than yourself. It risks less. 

What has distracted me?... hahaha, what else can it be? Both my weakest and strongest, so sweet and daunting. He's right. Let nothing affect my emotions easily. That's the only way I can concentrate on my studies for U6. No time to lose. L6 has been my warning. I am alarmed.

I have to give up something. What will that be? What should I consider? Responsibility, duty, fate, intuition. how can one tell which is our best guide? I cannot satisfy both sides, or maybe three sides even. sigh.... let these four weeks be a good time for self-reflection. No disturbance, total control of my mind.

Be myself once again.

Fate. I miss you.

Can you hear me? Do I scare you...

That silent scream in my head. banging. crushing.

Terminating its master and those around her. Such unspoken power.

woo.... xanga is like dead now. Need to write this entry, if not, the account will be frozen in some time. So yeh...

for anything, best to check with me on facebook. here are all my old memories and such. Funny when i read them sometimes, bring me back to all those dancing times before, and quite surprising how different i am after ard 1 year.

a lot has changed.... really a lot.

work to do: SAT revision, uni research, bio extended essay (research on cigarettes and rats), hist essays, maths catch up. still have another week of easter holiday... great. Use my time wisely.

Guyguy Ivy, thanks for the night, listenting to my "i don't know who".

I have not change much... have I?

Not in mood right now. Don't wanna talk. I want you... you said you'd call.

Time to shut up a little. Just for one night.... maybe.

Maybe letting someone hate or be angry at you is better than being ignored. Because hatred needs strength and attention.

Should I be glad then....?

Just been thinking about it....

Basically, everything stopped after that injury. Aroud this time last year, i could hardly walk. It kept me off dancing for more than 4 months, and then it was CE, so stopped for another 5 months. After CE? I don't even remember why i kept staying on spot, while everyone got back on their dance track. I feel it's my duty to continue, but I could not accept the how bad I felt in class, having lost all the technique during..'rest'. Being a better dancer before, this drop drove me insane. And my foot is just... different. The ankle doesn't stay in line with the toes, making pointe harder, and having wrong alignments from the knees to the toes. yea... the bones or ligaments changed.

And now? I really wanna know what I am doing. Going from a full time dance student to a full time student is too much of a change. I do not go back because of fear, and fear totally. I do not wanna look into the mirror seeing someone completely not dancer-like anymore. I do not want to fail. But the more i'm hiding from it, the more likely I am going to fail if I really pick it up later. ..... argh, this is ironic.

IF, just... if, I chose dance two months ago... what would I be doing now? Probably just went home after dinner with Hin, or sth like that. Or worrying about tmr's classes, choreographing a piece for wutsoever, soaking my feet in hot water, sewing pointes.

WHATEVER. Too many 'if's, anyway....
I need a push to get me move on. I really really need one.