ceejay3112's Xanga

Friday, January 19, 2007

Fri, 19 Jan 2007 01:14:52 GMT

I've decided I'm going to get into radio. Now, I'm not talking about "getting into" it as in learning to turn it on and listen to it. No, that's far too complex for me, not to mention that listening to anything but talk radio is mind numbing. Additionally, I know that some of you are thinking that I'm going to reconstrcut the huge radio from the set of the Christmas play and crawl inside, but you would be wrong. No, when I say I'm going to get into radio what I mean is that I'm going to get into the radio business. I haven't been able to scrape together the million-ish dollars it would take to own a radio station, so instead I'm going to see it if I can get into singing radio jingles. I mean, have you heard the hideous radio commercials for local businesses? They're awful! So I think I'm going to try to see If I can do them. It's worth a try right? I think it might pay a little.

Dear God

Mon, 18 Sep 2006 20:41:24 GMT

I've been at my job for just over a year now. To commemorate my anniversary I'm going to post something that I wrote a couple of weeks before taking the position. It was a protected post. Normally I try to write humorous or sarcastic anecdotes. This really isn't, but it fits the mood I'm in. I feel comfortable posting this now because I know that I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be.

God-

It feels kinda weird talking to you through xanga, but we both know that I'm not the best at talking to you in any venue, except maybe song...Is that why I'm supposed to do this? Am I doing the right thing? Am I hearing you correctly? Am I hearing you at all? You would let me know if I was screwing this up, right?

I wrote my letter of resignation today. That was kind of hard to do. I mean, I'm excited to do this for you, I really am, but it was still hard. It still is hard. I've worked for this company for a long time and I've made a really good reputation for myself. I'm in a prime position to make some serious advancement within the next year, like 20-30K a year more type of advancement...but I'll give it up. I really feel like it's what you want...so why do I feel so sad? Where are these tears coming from, this isn't like me?!

Quitting my job and taking this new position is a HUGE step of faith, and Lord, I'm not that good at faith...I mean I have faith in that I believe in you and salvation, but I struggle with the faith of letting you have control and trusting that you'll take care of me. Will I struggle like my parents are struggling? Because if so, I don't know if I have what it takes. You said that you wouldn't put me through anything that I couldn't handle with your help...I'll have to believe that won't I. I'll have to trust that you were telling the truth.

Please help me, Lord. Please give me assurance that I'm following the trail you've designed for me and not one I'm trying to blaze on my own. I guess it wouldn't be faith if I had 100% assurance, right? I feel at peace about this, Lord. If I were making the wrong choice I would feel a lot more apprehensive, right? I feel at peace...but still sad...I hope the sadness wears off when I start the new position.

Sunday, August 13, 2006

Sun, 13 Aug 2006 01:02:52 GMT

Dear AirTran-

You really, really, really suck. I'm tempted to not even use the free roundtrip flight you gave me, but since I know it will cost you money, I think I'm going to.

Sincerely hoping your airline goes out of business (after I take my free flight),

Monday, June 26, 2006

Mon, 26 Jun 2006 23:50:14 GMT

Ok, this may seem weird, but I think that Katharine McPhee has been visiting my xanga site. Really! See, I've noticed an inordinate number of visits to my site from someone in California. KATHARINE LIVES IN CALIFORNIA! It must be her. I mean, I have a Katharine McPhee blog ring. She probably did a blog-ring search and found my site. Yeah, that must be it. She loves me now, right?!

Saturday, June 17, 2006

Sat, 17 Jun 2006 04:30:02 GMT

I think I have a problem... I eat way too much Applebee's... I know, I know, it's horrible. I feel so ashamed and dirty. The many of the waitstaff there know me by name and a few even remember that I drink tons of sweet tea. In fact Leslie (one of the best) just brings me a pitcher of sweet tea and sits it on the table. If they had a swimming pool full of tea I would just put a straw in that and gulp away.

However, sometimes the tea tastes like they replaced the teabags with an unwashed dog that's been marinading in sewage. When that happens I kindly request a Pepsi to replace the putrid tea. I know the waitresses just love it when I do that...

And here's a thought for my local Applebee's kitchen staff... How about if you actually cook what people order. I know it may be difficult to cook things correctly, what with your obvious illiteracy and all, but maybe you could please just try...once. The other day I was at Applebee's and I ordered a Roasted Turkey ciabatta. This was to include roasted turkey (I know it's hard to believe, but it's true.) applewood smoked bacon, fresh tomato slices, cheese, red onions,and mayo on nice ciabatta roll.

Well, of course, I couldn't order the sandwich as it normally comes (who does that, really). I ordered it without onions. I hate onions... despise them... loathe them... So, of course, I was a smidge dismayed to discover my luscious sounding sandwich bedecked with the most pungent of onions. Needless to say I asked my waitress, who assured me she had put the order in the computer correctly, to take the sandwich back and get me a new one. She graciously (and wisely) agreed to do so. A few minutes later my new sandwich arrived without the onions. Coincidentally, it was also missing the bacon...and the tomatoes...and the mayo. essentially I went to Applebee's and paid them to serve me a turkey and cheese sandwich. Who needs condiments anyway?! Anyone who knows me understands how bashful I am about asking for things like this to be corrected, but don't worry. I managed to work up the courage to tell the waitress that my sandwich was still not correct. She said the kitchen was preparing to close and was getting kind of cranky (boy I was super concerned about their mood. Maybe i should have sent back a Midol with my last incorrect sandwich). She went back to chat with them. When she returned she said they had refused to make a new sandwich. Lucky me though, she was able to wrestle some tomatoes slices, bacon bits, and a bottle of squeeze Mayo away from the kitchen.... hmmmm... let me think about this... You screw up my first sandwich with onions, then you make my second sandwich with only half the ingredients.... and now I'm supposed to put together my meal with pieces you scraped together in the back?!?! Really!?!?! I didn't even get real bacon slices... they were little bacon bits... If I wanted to make my own freakin' sandwich I would have stayed home...and I would have used actual bacon slices. I certainly wouldn't have paid ten dollars to do it.

Next time I go to Applebee's I'll have to check at the door to see if the Special Olympics are still running the kitchen. I mean really... Who do they hire for the kitchen? Did they just take the people that McDonald's rejected? What were they looking for in potential kitchen staff?

Applebee's Manager to potential new employee: Geez it looks like you're drooling just enough and thus far I haven't understood a word you've mumbled, but I think you're perfect to work in our kitchen. Don't worry about what people actually order. Just put whatever you want on their plate, and the server will have to try and fix it with whatever she can scrape off of the floor around our salad prep area.

At least at home I know the tea is good.

Saturday, June 03, 2006

Sat, 03 Jun 2006 11:19:22 GMT

I'm picking up my brother @ 12:25 today! I haven't seen him in a year and a half.

Friday, May 26, 2006

Fri, 26 May 2006 01:27:46 GMT

*Dear Dr. CJ,

I feel like I'm stuck in limbo. My best friend is an awesome guy. We hang out and do everything together. The problem is his mother... He's really close to her. You can tell they have a really great mother/son relationship, but I have a problem with it... The problem is that I think I'm in love with his mom....There, I said it (or...well...I typed it.) Just getting it out there makes me feel better. In fact, I once snuck into their house when they weren't home and stole a pair of her stockings just to remember her by. So, what should I do? How do I tell her I love her without it being awkward? What's the best way to let my friend know?

Sincerely,

Smitten By An Older Beauty

Dear SBAOB,

So, let me get this straight... You think you're in love with your best friend's mom. Gosh, that's totally normal...NOT! Are you kidding me? First of all, how can you fall "in love" with her. Love doesn't happen by accident. I would venture a guess that you haven't spent much quality time with her. How could you? While you were in preschool she was raising a toddler. When you were in elementary school she was doing her best to chauffeur her child to soccer games and piano lessons. While you were discovering those first vestiges of fuzz on your upper lip (which you are still, no doubt, struggling to cultivate), she was trying to guide her son through the struggles of teenagedom. She just hasn't had time to get to know you, and likewise you haven't had time to get to know her. As such, you cannot possibly "love" her, because you don't really know her. You can't know her because you've never spent quality time with her. It's probably a good thing for you, because once she got to know you she would probably have discovered that you are a sick-twisted freak. If I'm not mistaken, breaking into someone's home and stealing their frilly unmentionables is not considered normal behavior no matter how much you think you love a person. Do you torture small animals and worship Satan too? Because if so, you might be a serial killer. Geez, considering all you've got going for you I don't see how she could resist you.

There is absolutely no way for you to tell her that you love her without it being awkward. "Hey, Mrs. So-and-so. I think I'm in love with you...that's pretty cool, right? So...um...what about those Royals?..." The least awkward solution is to not tell her or your friend anything and see a psychiatrist. I'm sure there are drugs that can help. If nothing else, there are drugs that can put you into a vegetative state so you can't be any further menace to society.

Do us all a favor and get some therapy.

Sincerely Thinking You're a Nut Case,

*Dr. CJ

(Remember, you probably don't know this person and if you think you do...lock your doors and install cameras.)

*Dr. CJ isn't a doctor at all, but he is a really good speller.

Friday, May 19, 2006

Fri, 19 May 2006 18:46:16 GMT

So...I'm back from Haiti now. It was hot...very, very hot...and there were kids...lots and lots of kids...my face is burned, and I think I may have inadvertently drank the water, at least that's what my stomach seems to be telling me...

Thursday, May 11, 2006

Thu, 11 May 2006 00:36:03 GMT

*Dear Dr. CJ,

My best friend is a jerk. Actually, my life seems to be filled with rude people lately. I don't get it. The other day my best friend told me that she thought my boyfriend and I were gross. How rude is that?! I didn't tell her she was gross when she wore those hideous green plaid pants with a turquoise cardigan, did I? She said that my boyfriend and I are too physical in public. What's that supposed to mean? She just doesn't get it. I love him, and I want the whole world to know. I want every other girl in the room to realize that he's taken, and he's mine. So we kiss or whatever in public; big deal. That's what loving couples do. Hasn't she ever watched The OC? She's just jealous because her boyfriend isn't willing to be the same way with her...Then my youth pastor told us we needed to not be so affectionate at youth services. We were just sitting together!! Well...ok, he was giving me a back rub, too; but I was really stressed out. I needed it! I think my youth pastor is just bothered because he's old and single, and he wishes he had what we have. So, what am I supposed to do about these people? How can I tell my best friend that she hurt my feelings without getting into a fight?

Sincerely,

A Very Mature 17 year old

Dear AVM17YO,

Jerks are everywhere. I happen to be one of the biggest jerks I know. However, it's bit unusual for best friends to treat each other like jerks. I'm going to have to dig very deeply into the recesses of my highly educated and intelligent mind to decipher what could have possibly caused this highly abnormal behavior...thinking...thinking...thinking...ok I've got it.

You...are...gross. It's true. The fact that you were having your boyfriend give you a back-rub in a public place is just downright disgusting...hold on...sorry, I think I just threw up a little bit in my mouth. (see, I can be gross too) I've seen people like you, people who think that they need to advertise their relationship like it's some kind of high quality diamond bracelet. The problem is that your relational advertising turns out less like a fancy jewelery commercial and much more like those horribly repugnant tampon commercials. You know, the ones where some girl goes on and on about her "heavy flow" times and then continues to demonstrate her product by using it to soak up about a gallon of mysterious blue liquid. The thing is, hon, you don't need to advertise your relationship to everyone else. All the other girls in the room either already know he belongs to you or will become aware of it after they ask him out and he turns them down.

Here's another thought for you. It's not normal. I know you think that all these abhorrent displays of affection are what couples are supposed to do, but you're wrong. Look around while you're in church. Do you see many other couples attached at the lips? Are there other couples giving each other a sensuous massage while the pastor preaching? I think not. Mature couples act appropriately in public. If your behavior is making other people uncomfortable, then you should probably calm it down. Respect those around you, and more importantly, respect yourself. When I see people who can't keep their hands off each other or who insist on sitting in each other's laps (puke), I wonder to myself "if these guys are acting this way in public, surely they're going much further than this in private." It makes me sad really.

In truth, your best friend is just trying to help you. Take her advice and give the PDA a rest.

Sincerely Trying Not to Puke,

*Dr. CJ

Remember, you probably don't know this person and if you ask me I will not tell you.

*Dr. CJ isn't really a doctor at all. He's just a guy who is probably smarter than you.

Tuesday, May 09, 2006

Tue, 09 May 2006 00:19:24 GMT

Dear *Dr. CJ-

I am in love. Not just a little bit in love...I mean, oh-my-gosh-I-can't-breathe-or-think-and-I may-have-wet-myself-a-little, kind of in love. The thing is that the guy I'm in love with doesn't know I exist. Well I guess he does actually know that I exist, but he doesn't think of me in any kind of romantic way. He's significantly older than I am, but I love him...I really I do. What can I do to make him notice me, or better yet, to take interest in me? I flirt pretty openly with him but he doesn't seem to notice. I do a sort of flirtatious punching and "tickling" thing. That has to be pretty obvious, right? Plus, I make sure that I'm always around him anytime we're in the same building. Short of renting a billboard and asking him out, I don't know what else to do. What's my next move? Should I call the billboard company? Are all men this slow on the uptake?

Thanks,

Tired of Waiting - Belton, MO

Dear ToW-

The answer to your last question is...yes-when they want to be. Guys are very good at playing dumb when they need to. The question you have to ask yourself is, why does he feel the need to play dumb? The obvious answer to that question is that he just plain doesn't like you, and you're really just embarrassing yourself by continuing follow him around like a puppy dog. If you're going to rent a billboard it should probably say something like "Hello, I'm the most desperate girl within a 100 mile radius." Oh, and you will probably want to put someone else's picture on the billboard because yours is not likely to generate much interest.

As far as the "punching" and "tickling" is concerned...are you kidding me?!? I mean really, are you 12 years old or what? Let me guess, did he pull one of your pigtails? Geez, you said he was significantly older than you. Do you really think that juvenility will win over anyone over the age of say, 14? And I'm just checking here, but did you say "tickling"?! I'm assuming that you're a teenager, and I'm also assuming that by "significantly older" you mean that the guy is not a teenager. (If you're not a teenager, then I frankly have no interest in your problems or love life. Especially since you need not have a love life) If the guy is an adult in his twenties or thirties, then tickling is most certainly out of order. I can't believe I even have to explain this to anyone. Maybe one day you and your husband (whoever that turns out to be...I think we can all safely assume that it won't be this guy.) will enjoy this little tickling fetish you seem to have, but girl, please just stop it.

I guess the whole point is this: he just plain doesn't like you. You've exhibited several behaviors (eg: tickling, following around like puppy-dog) that make me nauseated just reading about it. I can't imagine how queasy this guy must feel to have to put up with it in person. You should definitely move on. Try for someone younger than you. Perhaps your adolescent tactics will have better results in a younger demographic.

Yours Truly, (actually, not yours at all, because you nauseate me)

*Dr. CJ

Any resemblance in this post to anyone you know is completely coincidental.

*CJ is not actually a doctor of any kind and probably suffers from delusions of grandeur