cellar_door7's Xanga

Tuesday, December 12, 2006

Tue, 12 Dec 2006 16:01:20 GMT

achoo. some december 12th thoughts...

-I F$YO@..$Y@&$O)@&)$&)@* HATE BEING SICK.
-somehow my cat knows i have mittens in my purse and he tries to drag them out and eat/play with them. he destroyed my old ones. and still...he knows there are new ones...
-i'm taking the cat home for part of christmas break. can't wait to see how my big fat cat, snap whips him in to shape.
-i still don't know what to paint for my final project and its driving me crazy. i could do a still life or a landscape or something but there's so little meaning in that...but maybe thats easier. bah.
-::achoo achoo achoo achoo::
-abby died and i just keep playing the ben kweller cd in my car. and i love mr. kweller and all, but i keep forgetting to put something else in there.

anyway.

this was boring. i apologize.

rachel

top hats and swords-how rachel became a man.

Sat, 09 Dec 2006 16:07:04 GMT

well its been an exciting 10th week...but now its OVER thank god.

ya know, i was dreading next quarter with every fiber of "this mortal coil" but now i'm kind of excited. because even though i'm stage managing, it'll be fun because of who is in my cast, and on top of that, me and dominique got cast in Comedy of Errors in small roles cuz we have to skip a bunch of rehearsals for One Size Fits All (the show we're stage managing). but...I FREAKING FINALLY GOT CAST!!!! geez it took long enough! so i am beyond excited for that. and i'm playing a man...two men actually...and if all goes accordingly, i get a top hat. i get to almost duel kevin. which means i get a sword too. watch out.

but i am sick now too. i'm medicating with lots of -quils, and zycam and cough drops...i feel a little better but not up to par. whine whine. i hate being sick.

so i'm gonna go home to san diego and see if my mommy will make cinnemon rolls or something. yum.

have a good one.
rachel

and i will hang my head hang my head low.

Mon, 04 Dec 2006 05:31:43 GMT

its not so great when the big ugly things on your mind make it go blank when you're trying to talk about moses and the swamp and it all gets jumbled behind your teeth and suddenly the teleprompter in your head goes dead. and you drone on..."um....." and the whole message or lesson or whatever spills out your ear on the floor and you don't remember anymore that you wanted to say:

"that's just like me!"
a sitting duck in a swamp with all of the fierce egyptians staring you down and you're pushed to the edge of the water, knee deep in muck and you admit finally "I LOVE MY OWN MISERY BECAUSE IT'S FAMILIAR!!!!!!!!!!!"

and now, you, rachel, you wait for god to open up the sea...
because "the Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still." exodus 14:14

december the 1st.

Fri, 01 Dec 2006 16:32:28 GMT

christmas songs are infiltrating the musak in every store.
and i'm not thinking about christmas presents or decorations...

i'm thinking about how:
rent is due
bills need to be paid
life will kick you in the pants and not tell you why.
the best way to avoid things is to sleep
and then sleep some more.
i need to take a shower.
i should clean my room
and clean out the cupboards.
i dont know what to paint for my final project.
how fickle so-called friends can be.
how it pays to be honest to honest people.
how much humility it takes to let jesus wash your feet.
and how i wish i was a bear and could hibernate through the madness.
and that being vague teaches no one.
and spite is a longing for vindication
but maturity is integrity and rising above what tries to drag you under.
but sometimes i think the "bigger person" has no fun.
and i want to cut my nails down and play my guitar today.
i want to learn to play some new ben kweller in a key i can sing along.
i should read comedy of errors because auditions are coming up
and i dont know if i should even bother...
and that christmastime usually feels like a magic romantic time of the year,
but lets face it, kiddo, and move along.
move along.
and how its good to weep with those who mourn
and rejoice with those who celebrate
because then you don't have to feel any of your own mess.
and how hard it is to begin to get out of bed
when you have no real reason to
because its your day off.
and all the funny words i heard yesterday
like hypnogogia, cyclohexane and gesso.
and how i have to sneeze.
and that i should call shirin and get some lunch.

ah. december 1st. kinda looks like "december1sts" haha.

have a good one..
rachel

i'm just a penny on the train tracks waitin' for my judgement day...

Tue, 28 Nov 2006 07:30:08 GMT

its 3am and i can't sleep.

it finally rained today. i checked the weather before going to class and was ecstatic to see little gray clouds and pixelated rain drops hour by hour. i finally got to wear a jacket.

there have been a few times this week that i'd think i should blog about something or another and i'd get to this page and then something would unplug my brain. the blank screen can be quite daunting.

thanksgiving was uneventful, thankfully. har har. i hate thanksgiving. its a holiday all about food and used to be the source of many an anxiety attack as well as facing the relatives and the awkward questions about my non existant love life or that i was "putting on weight". thanks grandma. bless her though, she's got alzheimers. but the holiday went smoothly except i got sick somehow and threw up so hard that i pulled all the muscles in my chest and neck and shoulders. that was no fun.

and somehow i ended up in temecula the next night with jen and ariana line dancing at the stampede...to be honest, i dont exactly know how i managed to go without a fight. i think i just missed jen and ariana that much. let that be a testament to my love for them. i'll brave cowboys and country music for them. lol.

actually it was kinda funny. its like a zoo kind of. it was more fun to people-watch than actually dance. we discovered that the socially awkward miraculously feel confident and dare i say, cool, in such an environment. jen even rode the mechanical bull. i have a video of it on my phone but i haven't figured out how to work the computer magic and share it with you all. (if you know how, let me know.) its worth it.

but truth be told, i might just go back some day. the drinks were really cheap and c'mon, suburban country folk are better than television. though i did lose a few IQ points listening to songs about trains and chicken wings, "she makes my tractor sexy" and even the renegade Aqua song...it was a good night.

well. 3:22. i should write some of my journal entries for playwriting because i've only done like 5 out of 27. lets give a round of applause for procrastination. (shirin, you get a standing ovation). they're not due until wednesday but so is my play revision and these things take time, people.

have a good...morning?

rachel

and i've written pages upon pages trying to rid you from my bones.

Sat, 18 Nov 2006 03:34:40 GMT

i think i decided that i'm not going to go to grad school. at least, not right away.

i came to this conclusion because i want to give all the other things i like doing a chance. if i went to grad school for directing, it'd be theatre all the time for like, 3 years. and thats cool, but i would hate giving up my art and writing that i just picked up again after years. and it's been really reaffirming that both my painting professor and my poetry professor have told me to my face that i'm good. and there's so much more i want to learn and try. i think it'd be unfair to myself to ignore it all and keep doing only theatre. i've been doing that for too many years now.

i want to be published. or publish myself or something. i want to be a new sabrina ward harrison. a renaissance woman, jill of all trades. and work in the theatre still, because lets face it, what else am i going to use my degree for? wallpaper?

i watched y tu mama tambien cuz i heard it was good and it was on ifc. i love digital cable. but holy crap...naked naked naked. and thats one of the directors from harry potter...

anyway.

i've lost my train of thought.

whatever.

-rachel

monday afternoon

Mon, 23 Oct 2006 17:38:09 GMT

inspired by my very own rugrat of a sister...

...tellin' the internet my buisness.

-my name is Rachel Marie Mink.
-i am 21 years old.
-i have a hangnail.
-i hated my name for half of elementary school. ray-chul. i got over it.
-i like wearing skirts and dresses with pants. because i can be girly and still sit like a boy.
-i don't know what i'm going to do after college.
-i am a world class procrastinator and certified B.S.er.
-i like making things with my hands.
-i have been blessed with many talents, but i don't always know what to do with them and most of the time i rationalize myself out of using them.
-i have an anxiety problem with food.
-i am a bit of a perfectionist, but the kind that gives up when things don't go right.
-sometimes i am blindly optimistic.
-i can rationalize myself into stupid situations and out of smart situations.
-i need creative chaos but dream of complete organization.
-i don't believe in closets. i believe that the floor is shelf-space.
-i hate cleaning because of that perfectionism problem.
-when i dont know how to do something, chances are i won't bother.
-i make the best excuses.
-i could sleep 12 hours if i wanted. and i do, but never get to.
-i am NOT a morning person.
-i am, however, a night owl.
-i can stay up all night.
-school always came easily to me. i never had to work very hard to get good grades.
-social interactions however, did NOT come easily to me and i wasn't well-recieved in grade school.
-i am shy.
-i never know what to say and so i say stupid things like "cool" "that's awesome" "yeah...."
-i hate awkward conversations with people you knew or kinda know that consist of "how are you? how's school? what are you up to lately? etc..." because they don't really want to know, they just want to talk about themselves.
-i like the written word. spoken word. sung word. words in general.
-lately i value good lyrics over good music because that's how i lose myself; in the mood and measure and meaning.
-i love a good story.
-i love history because it is a story.
-i love stories that end indifferently.
-i love art that tells a story, or an artist with a good story.
-i hate it when people claim ownership of taste. like tastes in music, books, clothing, etc.
-i hate politics. because i dont think this is a democracy anymore and mud-slinging never benefitted anyone.
-i hate it when people use christianity.
-i wish i were more disciplined to DO things. especially like read my bible and pray.
-i love underdogs.
-i love cats.
-i think that some people just say they're allergic to cats because they don't like them. and -i think they don't like them because its cool not to like cats because they're "feminine".
-i think dogs are cute but high maintenence.
-i like reading and watching and looking and observing sometimes more than i actually like making things.
-i am 1/16th or so Choctaw indian.
-i am also Cherokee.
-otherwise, all my ancestors and i are about as pale as you can get.
-Charlemagne is my great great great great great....well you get the idea....grandfather.
-"cultural" events on our very diverse campus make me feel left out.
-i think that sometimes people look at "white" as the absence of culture.
-i dont know what my "culture" really is though.
-i should have been born a red-head.
-i like taking naps.
-i am passive and timid most of the time.
-i am a professional complainer.
-i live in california and prefer winter.
-i love irony.
-i love rainy days and bundling up.
-i hate sweating and getting sunburned.
-i belong in scotland.
-i have a keen sense of direction and rarely ever get lost. and if i do, its only because someone gave me bad directions.
-i have good problem-solving skills.
-i can assemble things easily and follow directions with success.
-i play solitaire and other kinds of online games to "zone out" for a bit and give my brain a break from life.
-i want to be healthy.
-i used to pretend i was famous and answered questions from being interviewed, especially after watching "inside the actor's studio" when i was younger.
-i still entertain the idea of someday being famous.
-i would be happy though with next to nothing as long as i was doing what i loved.
-sometimes i wish i had enough faith to be homeless or a vagabond going wherever the wind blew me.
-i want to do it all and never to settle for less.
-i want to be published or to publish myself.
-i am trying to be less judgemental of people and just love them.
-i am trying to be less needy and just let god fill my needs.
-i hate coffee and yet every year i get about 3 starbucks cards as gifts.
-i like routine with spurts of sponteneity.
-i greatly dislike hip hop music. but don't worry, i hate country music.
-i think Hummers should be illegal.
-i hate traffic.
-i hate semi's who try to pass each other on a 2 lane highway.
-i hate it when people show off or blatently try to impress everyone. (by blaring their music, squealing their tires, flexing their intellect [or ignorance sometimes], trash-talking, etc etc etc.)
-i hate ignorance. especially ignorance for ignorance's sake and indifference.
-however, i am often indifferent, but mostly out of frustration.
-i'm insecure. but then again, everyone is.
-i hate high-heels and nylons.
-i'd go barefoot all day if i could.
-i am lazy.
-i dont wear makeup often or do my hair lately because i'm lazy. and sleepy.
-i hate it when people hold grudges because they're afraid of confrontation.
-i hate it when people tip-toe around my feelings.
-i crave honesty.
-i like my dad's old jackets. (i have his navy peacoat, his harley davidson biker jacket, and his wilson tennis jacket).
-i like watching tv in bed.
-i am afraid of the dark.
-i always lose my remote in the bed.
-my pinkie toes don't touch the ground. i have a 4-toed footprint.
-i don't bite my nails.
-i very rarely get zits even though i don't wash my face religiously.
-i hate my freckles even though everyone wants to tell me how cute they are.
-my nose does not run in my family.
-i am never satisfied with my appearance.
-i wanted to be an animator for disney when i was younger.
-i hate beauty pageants.
-i hate it when thin friends complain about their weight.
-i hate inconsideration and neglegence.
-i am quiet but rarely waste words.
-i love the anxiety of a plane ride.
-i like to be told what to do when i am unsure.
-i love being taken care of.
-i am resourseful.
-i am a self-proclaimed pack rat.
-this really could go on forever...
-so i am going to end it and take a nap.
-and then paint a still-life of my keys. because they're important to me and i have to.

rachel.

p.s. if you read this whole thing, high five across cyberspace...

le bateau a cherché sa mère (mer).

Sun, 15 Oct 2006 04:04:28 GMT

the science of sleep.

first of all, gael is a beautiful man.

secondly, the movie is beautifully done.

thirdly, i didn't really get it. but i think that maybe i wasn't supposed to. plus i was sleepy, and well, the whole thing was kind of a blur. like a dream. so, maybe that is what was supposed to happen.

anyway, go see it.

i did the painting of my greyscale collage. it took me a long time, and i dont even really like it. i feel clumsy with a brush sometimes. especially when it isn't supposed to be a painting of anything concrete, just shapes and textures. i'm too impatient to use the smaller brushes on big canvases so everything is kind of chunky, but surprisingly, the right shapes.

my hands take a beating though. they dry out from all the washing and scrubbing and cleaning up.

is it sunday already? geez. where do the weekends go?

oh, i'm directing a 10-minute play for the festival in a few weeks. and i'm also in Paul's. hooray. take that eric! i will act this quarter whether you like it or not.

my head hurts.

and the dreams have come back again, but this time i'm not just watching them.

Fri, 13 Oct 2006 04:03:25 GMT

i "guess" it's time for a blog.

my painting teacher asked me why i wasn't an art major because i am "talented".
that made my day for about a half hour.

there are other things that i am beyond frustrated (and other such adjectives) about lately. in short, i feel stuck because i am at the mercy of other people. in some stupid crevice of my brain i really believe that disney-esque b.s. that "i can do anything if i believe in myself"...and surprisingly, i do well at a lot of things. but when people set a standard that i somehow don't meet, it kills me. because no amount of "believing in myself" can fix that. when i put my mind to things i can control, i succeed. but things out of my control i always fail. which leads me to believe-instead of in myself-but rather in all the lies perpetuated by this pattern. this cycle of not being good enough.

and moreover, it HURTS ME when people don't mean what they say. when people pretend everything is good and chipper in an attempt to avoid hurting my feelings. stop dancing around and be mature, please. worse still, is when they misunderstand me and never talk to me about it, and instead push me aside with a smile. don't patronize me. i'm not stupid. i'm not a child. please don't treat me like one.

but this dinky little planet still slingshots around the sun and tomorrow is a new day. it is impossible to be 24/7 100% content. some days are good and others are bad. and hopefully there will be more good than bad. but right now, things are mediocre. i hate mediocre.

anyway. i'm going to bed. i have to get my paints out of my locker for a very long and tedious painting assignment to do at home. joy. mess. woot.

p.s. i learned to play some rilo kiley songs. that is relaxing.

paint thinner

Mon, 18 Sep 2006 03:41:32 GMT

i am sick of the immaturity.
the pettiness and excuses and blame.
and for what?
to defend the right to be selfish.
and not take ownership for your actions.

i am sick of the disrespect.
the neglect and inconsideration.
you couldn't respect how it hurts me
because you're never wrong.
and its never your fault.

because you didn't mean it.
and didn't intend to do harm.
but sweetheart, good intentions can only get you so far.
i asked you to show me a friend.
but you said "let it be",
because you must think you're more important than me.

i deserve better, i have discovered.
because i've been run over by so-called friends before.
and you knew that.
you damn well knew that.
and still, you hit me square on.

you must not listen.
or maybe you just don't hear me right.
or maybe you've gotten the wrong impression of what maturity is.
because it's not having a job. making money. paying bills.
no.
it's learning how to treat and love and respect people.
to have integrity and mean what you say.
to be honest and make your actions and words worth something.

but with you. its all empty.
empty words. empty actions.
and it wasn't always that way.
you're playing your own character
and not who you really are.

at least, all this mess hasn't been a total loss.
because i'm learning who i am.
and maybe i got a little wrapped into the illusion of you, myself.
but now its all transparent.
and all the grudge you hold and silence you maintain kills me.
every day.
but at least now, i know your colors for what they are.
and i'll give myself a new coat of paint in something different.