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| Fourteen days from home*The subject line says it all.
I am but fourteen days away from the county I spent six years calling home. Yea!
This week, next week, and the week after will be a living hell though. Some are even comparing it to the dreaded 1st Semester Race from our senior years. While I don't see it as quite as evil, I won't gloss it over for you. These three weeks are no walk in the park.
You see, in college, you have to balance everything for yourself. You have choices and freedom. This should be a good thing. A glorious thing. And at times it is, but not now. These are the days that you wish you had the structure of high school life. You knew when school was starting and when school was ending, and your parents weren't about to let you out of the house if you had yet to study for your exams. Structure is a glorious thing, Sweetheart. In college, the development of structure is left up to you, and after fourteen years of schooling, you throw the thought of building layouts away and run around trying to rid your life of monotony. Mistake! Finals week begins to shine on you in the darkest of lights, and you begin searching your drawers for the plans you threw out so many weeks before. Now your calendar is filled to the brim with parties, meetings, club outings, appointments, television programs, comedy troupes, sports, and movie releases. The balance is thrown off by the dawning of exams and you're lost. You begin plugging in the exam dates and assignments and projects; start deleting anything that doesn't appear academic for fear of failing after so long. Your new home becomes the library with coffee as your only fuel source. Sweats and flip-flops, the new fashion. And though every single person around you is going though the same way, you feel alone. You lash out at others for their supposedly amazing exam schedule or preparedness. You cling to the fun you can by actually hosting cram parties and all-night trips to the dining halls. You begin to see examinations as big events with chances to see friends or to really see how far you can push the boundaries of your pen. Is it really possible to take every exam with just one? Is it possible for sweat to smell of vanilla bean? Does marking C down the middle guarantee anything? And then it's over. You look back at yourself in the mirror and wonder when you last bothered to shower or even cared about personal hygiene. Your stomach growls and you have to think about the last time you had a substantial meal. You want to shower. You want to eat something. You want to pack for home. But all you can do is look at your bed and wonder if anyone else can hear it calling you. You don't care. You go for it. Kicking off your flip-flops, you run for the bed and bury yourself in the sheets. The sweet bliss of cheap sheets...
But anyway, I'm fourteen days away from home.
*small over dramatic rant. | | |
| Running so fast in no particular directionGoing through old e-mails from over the summer, and finding stuff I forgot i even wrote. If you can't tell from the writing, I had an odd summer. lol.
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Sad eyes, do you even notice
that her eyes have grown cloudy
lacking the attractive luster of before
eyes that once captivated your thoughts
have lost their color, their beauty
eyes that once darkened with lust
have nothing bu grey
closing off her soul
eyes that once showed the truth behind lies
no longer have emotion
your lack of connection destroys her
taking the best out of her
can you reach out to her
bring her back into the darkness of a bedroom
of your auto-focused eyes
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And no one is going to understand
Many of them don't want to
Can you blame them
This stretching of the mind
Bending of moral constraints
Is too far beyond them
And they beat me down for it
Claiming that this can never be true
Yet he makes it more real than life
He takes a dream and makes it real
I can't listen to the rants and raves
From those closest to me
While they once applauded my efforts
Pushing me closer
Asking me to go for a goal
And now that I am near the finish line
The prize more than within my grasps
They back away
Pulling me away in search of something else
In search of someone else
And after pushing for so long
After becoming so goal-oriented
I'm not going to back away from this
It's almost wrong to hate them for it
And I wish that I didn't but I have no choice
At some point I'll leave them forever
Just to escape their criticism
And it's not as painful as I imagined.
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Lessons of My Youth
Just another letter to you
Never to be sealed, stamped, delivered
Finding the same fate as the others
A dusty resting place in the corner of my desk
This one's purpose not unlike the others
Questions I failed to ask when face-to-face
But how would you receive such comments as these
Asking if it is healthy to not want to share you just yet?
That for once in my life I'm content
Exhilirated, and distressed all in one
And I don't want to share that magic source
With anyone just yet
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Life is A Chance
Could I write you this final letter
With the intention of never delivering
Tell you that I never wish to see you again
Lie back in your presence
And remeninse of the past days' events
Would you take my silence as an answer
And stay so far away
That I never catch the faint whisper of your aftershave
The sudden warmth from a missed embrace
Could you handle never speaking to me again
If I told you that anything more than 2-D
Would break me into a million pieces
To be scattered into the ocean
And never heard from again
Would you, if I asked you to?
Could you, if I wanted you to?
Should you, when I say I need you to?
Even though you know
That even without a word
I love you so much more
Than any day before
Would I be able to finish
Could I seal this envelope
Should I mail this away
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My Soul's Punishment
It hurts more than you know
Needing you
Putting so much trust in you
Just to have it turned into a joke
A beautiful tearful laugh by you
And I want so desperately to hate you for it
For the tears that fall from my eyes
Not nearly as becoming as your own
I don't think this can work much longer
I don't think my soul can take this kind of punishment
My heart is breaking
My mind is trying so hard to twist your words
Read between the lines when there lies nothing but space
This hurts too much to be real
And I wish I didn't need you as much as I do
But my soul feeds off of your words and looks
And it's tearing me to pieces
There's no more fuel in this engine
And I fear the end
But I can't go on needing you like I do
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Uncharacteristically Us
Tell me there is nothing wrong
With wanting to keep a tight hold on you
I'll let you do your traveling
Let you search for yourself
Find your comfort and sanity
Buried in the distant lands of this fair country
But every moment shared
Only lends to the declaration
Of you are as mine as I am yours
Can you bear to tell me any different
When you know from experience
That the one you want leaning over you
Is no one other than me
And to see another face
Only brings disappointment
So allow me to hold you a little tighter
Allow me this last hug, this final kiss
As we exchange a teary goodbye
So uncharacteristically us
For time should be only a physical boundary
Though I'm tempted to call out our name
Hoping you'll hear me and find me
Knees to my chest and tears on my face
Desperate for you
Can you tell me that is so wrong? | | |
| Clockwork Orange made more sense than this life right nowThis whole thing
Impossible, illogical, irresponsible
Yet desirable, oh, so desirable
But she's left non-functioning
Brought to a halt by a sentence
After years of talking
No failing, Always promising
But this one sentence
This is where she falters
Brought to her knees in confusion
After defeating every other proposition
Here is her past and the sad realization
That while she can forget, he still sees
All she never wants to be | | |
| Unfinished products work so much better for those painting images on canvas versus the mindShe's struggling under the weight
Everything she has and everything she doesn't
Causing her to more than wonder
Am I giving up too much of myself
Or not giving him enough
She's taking in everything he's willing to give
And ignoring the heat of their arguments
Pretending it's heat from tomorrow's sunrise...
There should be more here, but I can't figure out how to end this one. :( | | |
| And the world keeps on spinning despite it allThe Best Kind of Failure
And he said to never change
Taken as a challenge
She swore she never would
And failed
Poking and prodding
The usual same old taunting
It shouldn't have made a difference
But she cracked
Free association to traits
Thrown into the face of the public
Until they became her
So she changed
Still she sees who she once was
Not proud, but not ashamed
Just aware of necessary change
Yet she hesitated
Concerned with a presented challenge
And whether it mattered
When it's not for the worse
But the better | | |
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