Alas today will be my last day on Xanga for the next month or so.  See you when I am 28!

Michelle!!: I checked out the 2008 Writer's Market from the library...oh how happy I felt when the librarian checked to see if she had anything similar since that particular book is reference only (aka non check out able) and then she discovered they had 2 more check out able copies!!  I am super tired as I didn't go to bed early last night and you know what I did at work today...all the stuff you and Kate couldn't get to...but you're worth it !!  But anyway, I have been going through the listings that publish books looking for young adult fiction publishers who accept simultaneous submissions from unagented first time authors!!!  And there are not that many!!!  Which makes me feel really productive since I am already in the p's...that's like over half of them.  I have 10 good ones and 3 maybes...So...wanna help me craft an excellent query?  Anyway, enjoy the jury duty.  I'll see you bright and early and at lunch and on Mon and Fri till you exact judgment in the courtroom...do you feel powerful?  You're the best, see you at work.  Theresa was totally asking me questions yesterday, the what's-keeping-you-from-just-doing-it kind of questions....  I guess I needed that prodding to get me to take the next step.  And what an easy one it has been so far.   Ugg...writing letters and printing and mailing next...  Hopefully Dina lets me use the copier.   Oh, and say hi to Jimmy.  Oh and I saw John at Orchard after work whilst buying unsweetened dried mango...SO weird seeing him in there.  I directed him to some super yummy tortilla chips that are lightly flavored with soy saauce...which made him question if they were healthy for men with the soy and all....never thought of that.  But it's soy protien which is bad, right?  Well, at least I didn't direct him to the tofu cheese...what if he stops eating nachos?  Ahhhh!!!!  I'll have to write a character like him in my next book.  And maybe someone like Drew Grant who as a kindergartner didn't like ice cream.

I put all this pressure on myself to do and achieve and be... and yet a lot of who I am, especially the best parts or the greatest strengths were not forced. 

I just realized that I frequently day dream about raising children.  More than I knew.  There are times when I think a lot about it for chunks of time, imagining unique ways to impart important information and preparing my kids for a successful adulthood. 

But just now I was thinking about a problem or weakness in my own life and almost instantly started to think of ideas for what to do to make it so my kids wouldn't get stuck in the same trap I did.  I just realized that I do that ALL the time. 

And sometimes I come up with solutions for myself that way.  Such as thinking about how to get my kids to learn how to find fulfillment from spending time with God.  I imagine shutting them in a white room with no distractions and tell them to go hear God.  Then I realize how cruel that is, so I go in there with them and lie down to enjoy God and I imagine my kid getting bored or frustrated or wiggly and I tell my kid to ask God to be interesting.  And then it hits me, why don't I ask God to be interesting?  Right now.  After all, I have a hard time finding fulfillment in God. 

That's when it dawned on me that that is not a rare type of thinking for me, that I am ALWAYS doing that, always imagining training my kids.  And I don't notice all the small snippets and moments I do this because it is so normal for me.  Which is funny to me because I don't consider myself super maternal. 

I guess there are a lot of things that I am that I don't consider myself, probably...no definitely...because the instant definition I have of the word or label is a negative one.  But also a limited definition.  For example, I want to be what I day dream about....which is a mother, actively involved in the lives of her children.  But if you ask me if I want to be a mother, I will probably say yes, but sort of unwillingly, imagining the tiredness, the whiny brats, the lack of appreciation, the clingyness, the fear of letting go, the lack of freedom, the lack of identity and purpose....the things I instantly associate with admitting a desire for motherhood.

I used to know that I was an intercessor and was very unhappy about this because the word intercessor conjured images of a weirdly dressed, impractical, overly-intense, and acting-humble-while-really-trying-to-get-a-lot-of-attention person.  It made me think of waiting long periods of time with a constipated look on my face, feeling the weight of the world and suffering for Jesus.  I felt guilty for not wanting to be one, not being disciplined enough to do what I knew I was called to, but I just couldn't bring myself to do it.  It was just way too unpleasant

Over the last few years, my view of intercession has changed.  When I pray a quickie (direct, to the point prayer) and then move on with life....and it comes to pass aka, my prayer gets answered, and quickly, I don't mind intercession so much.  Or when dancing (something I love) or art (something else I love) counts as intercession, then intercession is great.  How do I know these things are intercession?  Because they work.   My life changes, things change.  They connect me with God, who is relational and powerful and loves to make things happen for those who ask...but I am getting way off on a rabbit trail.  Back to the main point. 

So I remember this story about a POW trapped in a box in misery and he loved golf, so he would day dream about golf all the time in his little box and when he finally got to go home...after like 2 years of being in a box where he couldn't fully stand up, he goes and plays golf and is better than he had been the last time he had played.  SO... even though I have no kids right now, what are these daydreams doing for me?  I bet I am going to be one heck of a mom!! 

I thought to myself, I wonder what other people are dreaming about....and they don't have to try to dream about it...like they aren't purposely meditating on something, but just can't help themselves...what is it they think about without trying...and what does that say about their future and who they are and what their life will look like?  Kind of reminds me of Kung Fu Panda...probably just because I really liked that movie. 

Also, as a side note, I never wanted to be a writer growing up.  My best friend in 8th grade told me she wanted to be one and I thought, ugg, that has got to be the most boring profession in the world...but I couldn't get my hands off of books and I wrote poetry and other stuff all the time.  I LOVED it without thinking about it or trying to make myself do it, and now I am a good writer. 

(Hmmm...so just as a disclaimer, I don't try very hard on xanga to make my writing all perfect...I just like to let my thoughts flow...in case for some reason you don't agree that I am a good writer...sheepish grin...) 

And I want to be a writer now.  Because how else do you make money with so few constraints on time?  You can be a stay-at-home mom that way!  Okay, granted, the getting published bit is not always a picnic, at least at first...(speaking of which, anyone have any suggestions on how to get published?  I wrote a fictional book, for girls, about a 160 pages, and I still haven't gotten published, though I haven't made much of an effort..) 

Anyway, I guess that is all to say that I didn't have to make myself read, and that is how I learned to write, by reading and then writing myself. 

Okay, next thought (transition), so I was wondering if people stopped and were able to realize what they daydreamed about, would it help them to know both who they are and what they would be good at in life?  What they are subconsciously preparing themselves for?  I happen to be very lucky.  I live in a micro culture that is constantly encouraging people to believe in the impossible and to reach for their dreams. 

A lot of people hear a lot of discouragement or mockery and have stopped dreaming for fear of failure or disappointment, but if they could get past the doubts, what do their dreams tell them they were destined to do?  So I wrote a suggestion for a featured question, basically asking people what they imagine when they think about themselves in the future.  I am not sure it will get chosen, but I hope it does, simply because someone's dreams might be allowed to breathe and their life might slowly, almost imperceptively at first, change forever.


(And here's a second question...what things produce negative feelings or thoughts when mentioned...things that have a negative reaction far beyond what is rational?  I have noticed that a lot of those feelings were tied to things that were supposed to be a part of my life, but as if some diabolical plot was put into place, they were distorted in my mind so that I would reject them.  If people took time to look at what they were running from and to put what they were feeling into words and then allow themselves to evaluate whether or not those words were really true or just perceptions, would it allow people to become or enjoy what they would love if they only knew what it really meant?  I know, LONG sentence.  Maybe read it again.  :)  But seriously, how many times do you get a kid to try something, like pizza or chocolate or something and they say they don't like it before they try it simply because it looks funny or it is unfamiliar.  Would kids be so eager to try Fruity Pebbles if they weren't dyed even if they tasted the same?  Probably would look like Rice Crispies....)