if i started talking to you out loud...like you were still here...would that make me crazy?  i do that sometimes...just to try to remember how i said your name when you were alive.  the way i say your name is different now...sad...distant.  it used to be excitement...when you called and i heard your voice...i am starting to forget how your name sounded then.  is it normal that every time i watch a movie and someone gets hit by a car my stomach does flip-flops?  it's been a year (tomorrow) since you died, and all i can think about is i can't believe i made it.  i am ok.  the night mares are getting better...less often...and i sleep well at night.  is it strange that i hate that?  i hate that i'm ok.  i hate that i don't think about it every second of every day and don't sleep at night because my mind won't be quiet.  i sleep great.  my life is great.  the occasional night mare...a drunken break down every now and then.  but for the most part, i am just fine.  i wonder how your mom is.  i should write to her, but i wouldn't know what to say.  i wonder how she says your name now.  i tried to say it out loud the other day as if you were right there...like i would have said it a year ago...but i couldn't remember how.  i remember your voice and how it sounded...and i remember every conversation we ever had...give or take.  but i can't remember my own voice.  grant.  the word just looks sad to me now.  i hate that.

i have survived a year.  it's only been a year.  it feels like a lot longer.  maybe that's why i can't remember the sound of your name...my brain just thinks it has been longer than a year, so it figures it is about time to start forgetting.  i don't want to forget.  i don't want the pain to go away...but it is hardly there any more.  spencer refuses to talk about you...it's too sad for him i guess.  i should call rachel.  she would talk.  and listen too.  i hate that it's hard to talk to the people we were close to because we remind each other of so much pain.  that sucks.  a lot.  i wonder what tomorrow is going to be like.  i wonder if it will feel any different than any other day. 

well.  i love you.  still.  always.  and maybe i am crazy...for talking to you...for typing to you...for dreaming about you.  but i am ok.  i just wanted you to know that i am ok.  and i miss you.  and i miss the sound of your happy name.  i hate your sad name.  i'll try to make it happy again...if i can remember how.  happy anniversary.  i hope this year brings you less pain...wherever you are.

love,  meg.

my bulletin board for the fall.  i thought it was cute...and i worked hard.  if it gets torn down, i am definitely going to cry.  haha.  training starts today...it is a week+ process and a pain in the ass...but part of me is looking foward to it.  we get free stuff and interesting (and many not so interesting) speakers and we get to meet new RAs and have fun as well as cram our heads full of information...and watch as the new RAs freak out because it is so much to learn.  haha. 

our dinner that kicks off training starts in less than an hour, so i am going to go get ready. 

later kids.