Cooking Chips

Two confirmed bachelors sat talking. Their conversation drifted from politics to cooking.

"I got a cookbook once," said the first, "but I could never do anything with it."

"Too much fancy cooking in it, eh?" asked the second.

"You said it. Every one of the recipes began the same way - "Take a clean dish and...."


Short Chips

"Darling, I would like to ask you a question," said the wife.

"Go ahead... I will answer as honestly as I can," replied her husband of fifteen years.

"How would you describe," she replied, "The last fifteen years of our life?"

"I would say that we have a strange and wonderful relationship," replied her husband.

"Oh, darling," she commented," such a beautiful thing to say! But why do you call it 'strange and wonderful,' I wonder?"

"Because you're strange," remarked the husband, "and I am wonderful!" He is expected out of the hospital next week. Pity she broke the rolling pin....


Parting Chips

A man who had been working for the circus for many years as 'Mr Tiny, the shortest man alive', agreed to meet with a local newspaper reporter on his day off to be interviewed.

The reporter arrives on time, but was surprised to be greeted by a man who was nearly six feet tall. The reporter thought he must be in the wrong place and asked the tall man if he knew anything about a Mr Tiny.

"That's me!" says the tall man.

"B-b-but you're suppose to be short!" says the reporter.

Mr Tiny replies. . .

"I told you----this is my day off."


Translator Chips

A New York judge is ready to go through the day's business and he is very rushed. The first case up involves an elderly Jewish gentleman with a long beard, payes, the works.

The judge, without asking a question, says to the clerk: "Quick...get me a translator."

Translator shows up and the judge says: "Ask him what his name is, how old is he and where does he come from?"

The translator says: "Die judge vilt vissen, vos is dein namen, vie alt bist du, and fun vie kumst du?"

The old man smiles, looks at the judge and says in perfect English with a British accent: "Your Honour. My name is Sir Chaim Ginsbug. I shall be 82 next Thursday and I've come from England where I hold the chair of Hebrew Philosophy at Oxford University."

The translator turns to the judge and says: "Ehr zukt, ehr is Sir Chaim Ginsburg, ehr is tzwei und achtzig yur alt, und ehr is, mit sach Yiddish philisoph, areingekummen fun Oxford."


Preacher Chips

"Are there any prayer needs today?" I asked during a worship service.

One person mentioned a neighbor who was sick. Another spoke of a couple with financial problems. A young man asked us to pray for the family of a friend's grandmother who recently died.

After hearing what seemed to be all the requests, I said, "If there are no other needs then let us bow our heads and pray."

Shortly after beginning the prayer, I felt something tugging on my pants leg and at the same time heard a loud whisper: "Preacher. Preacher. "I needs something too!"

Still speaking, I slightly opened one eye and took a peek. A little boy was on his hands and knees below me, tugging on my pants leg as hard as he could and earnestly whispering: "Preacher, I 'needs' something too!"

The choir behind were beginning to lose their composure and I could hear giggling in the background as the boy continued tugging on my pants and was speaking louder: "Preacher, I 'needs' something!"

"Oh no!" I thought to myself. "In my arrogance and pride, had I ignored the needs of a small child? Maybe he knew of someone who was ill that we needed to include?"

Feeling guilty and ashamed, I stopped the prayer and gently asked the young boy, "Yes son, what do you need?"

"Preacher, I 'needs' to go to the bathroom!"


Puppy Chips

On the first day of school, the children brought gifts for their teacher.

The florist's son brought the teacher a bouquet of flowers.

The candy-store owner's daughter gave the teacher a pretty box of candy.

Then the liquor-store owner's son brought up a big, heavy box.

The teacher lifted it up and noticed that it was leaking a little bit. She touched a drop of the liquid with her finger and tasted it.

"Is it wine?" she guessed.

"Is it Scotch?"

"No," the boy replied.

She tasted another drop and asked, "Champagne?"

"No," said the little boy.

"It's a puppy!"

Accident Chips

An absolutely terrified man came in to a bank and went on for a moment about an accident he'd just seen. Everyone asked him what had happened, and asked if they could help. The man rambled about an ambulance skidding around the corner just outside.

A wide-eyed lady next to him said, "Well, what happened? What can we do to help?"

The man was very animated about the ambulance saying that the back doors opened and a plastic bag fell out of the back as they were turning the corner. After the gasps and sounds of horror faded from his audience, the harried man said the when he peeked into the bag, he found several fingers and toes.

The very dapper bank manager, in his 3-pieces suit, ran up to the man and said, "How can the bank help?"

The man said, "Call a toe truck, of course!"

Parting Chips

Nearing the parish church during his daily walk, a young man saw that some shrubbery was on fire. He banged on the rectory door and told the woman who opened it to call the fire department.

She ran to the phone, and he heard her place the call. She identified herself, gave the location, and explained the situation.

"You mean to tell me," said the emergency dispatcher, "that there's a burning bush on the church lawn, and you want to put it out?"

Kick Chips

My husband, Michael, and I were at a restaurant with his boss, a rather stern older man. When Michael began a tale, which I was sure he had told before, I gave him a kick under the table. There was no response, so I gave him another poke. Still the story went on.
Suddenly he stopped, grinned and said, "Oh, but I've told you this one before, haven't I?"

We all chuckled and changed the subject. Later, on the dance floor, I asked my husband why it had taken him so long to get my message.

"What do you mean?" he replied. "I cut the story off as soon as you kicked me."

"But I kicked you twice and it still took you awhile to stop!"

Suddenly we realized what had happened. Sheepishly we returned to our table. The boss smiled and said, "Don't worry. After the second one I figured it wasn't for me, so I passed it along!"

Interview Chips

Officer: hat is your name??BR>
Candidate: P sir.?BR>
Officer: ell me properly.?BR>
Candidate: ohan Pal sir.?BR>
Officer: our father's name??BR>
Candidate: P sir.?BR>
Officer: hat does that mean??BR>
Candidate: anmohan Pal sir.?BR>
Officer: our native place??BR>
Candidate: P sir.?BR>
Officer: s it Madhya Pradesh??BR>
Candidate: o. Mani Pal sir.?BR>
Officer: hat is your qualification??BR>
Candidate: P sir.?BR>
Officer: (Angrily) hat is it??BR>
Candidate: etric pass.?BR>
Officer: hy do you need a job??BR>
Candidate: P sir.?BR>
Officer: nd what does that mean??BR>
Candidate: oney problem sir.?BR>
Officer: escribe your personality.?BR>
Candidate: P sir.?BR>
Officer: xplain yourself clearly.?BR>
Candidate: agnanimous personality sir.?BR>
Officer: his discussion is going nowhere. You may go now.?BR>
Candidate: P sir.?BR>
Officer: hat is it now??BR>
Candidate: y performance??BR>
Officer: P!!!?BR>
Candidate: hat is that sir??BR>
Officer: ENTAL PROBLEM!?/FONT>

Definition Chips

Dictionary Updates by Oxford

Divorce: Future tense of marriage.

Cigarette: A pinch of tobacco rolled in paper with fire at one end & a fool on the other.

Lecture: An art of transferring information from the notes of the lecturer to the notes of the students without passing through "the minds of either"

Conference: The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present.

Compromise: The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he got the biggest piece.

Tears: The hydraulic force by which masculine will-power is defeated by feminine water power

Conference Room: A place where everybody talks, nobody listens and everybody disagrees later on.

Classic: Books that people praise, but do not read.

Smile: A curve that can set a lot of things straight.

Office: A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life.

Yawn: The only time some married men ever get to open their mouth.

Etc.: A sign to make others believe that you know more than you actually do.

Committee : Individuals who can do nothing individually and sit to decide that nothing can be done together.

Experience: The name men give to their mistakes.

Atom Bomb: An invention to end all inventions.

Diplomat: A person who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you actually look forward to the trip.

Opportunist: A person who starts taking a bath if he accidentally falls into a river.

Optimist: A person who while falling from Eiffel tower says in midway "See, I am not injured yet."

Miser: A person who lives poor so that he can die rich.

Father: A banker provided by nature.

Criminal: A guy no different from the rest....except that he got caught.

Boss: Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early.

Doctor: A person who kills your ills by pills, and kills you with his bills.


Riddle Chips

Where do cars get the most flat tires?
Where there is a fork in the road.

What happened to the Indian who drank 30 glasses of ice tea one night?
The next morning they found him dead in his teepee.

What did the big watch hand say to the little watch hand?
"Don't go away, I'll be back in an hour."


Random Chips

Soap Operas are so called because they were originally used to advertise soap powder. In America in the early days of TV, advertisers would write stories around the use of their soap powder. Misers aren't much fun to live with, but they make great ancestors.

In August 1999, Lori Lynn Lomeli set a record by spinning 82 hula hoops at the same time for three full revolutions.

Hospitality is making your guests feel at home, even if you wish they were.

The world is full of willing people: some willing to work and some willing to let them.

The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket.

Money doesn't bring you happiness, but it enables you to look for it in more places.


Nurse Chips

A nurse was showing some student nurses through the hospital. "This will be the most hazardous section in the hospital for you. The men on this floor are almost well."

Gold Chips

Abe Spitzberg meets David Rosenbaum in the little back alley where they park their cars out of sight so that they can be seen to be walking to the Synagogue.

"Hallo David, I am so pleased to see you! It's my parents' Golden wedding anniversary next week and I would like you come to the party."

"That's nice, Abe. Thank you, yes, I will come."

"Maybe you have some friends you can bring with you, yes? It's nice to have many people at a party!"

"Yes...I can bring Sammy Cohen, and also Izzy Schwartz."

"Good, good! Only don't forget to remind them to bring something gold."

"Okay! I'll tell them."

So David Rosenbaum brought a goldfish, Sammy Cohen brought a jar of Gold Blend coffee and Izzy Schwartz brought Nat Goldstein.

Mensa Chips

Mensa is an organization whose members have an IQ of 140 or higher. A few years ago, there was a Mensa convention in San Francisco, and several members lunched at a local cafe.

While dining, they discovered that their saltshaker actually contained pepper and their pepper shaker was full of salt. How could they swap the contents of the bottles without spilling, and using only the implements at hand? Clearly this was a job for Mensa!

The group debated and presented ideas, and finally came up with a brilliant solution involving a napkin, a straw, and an empty saucer. They called the waitress over to dazzle her with their solution.

"Ma'am," they said, "we couldn't help but notice that the pepper shaker contains salt and the salt shaker..."

"Oh," the waitress interrupted. "Sorry about that." She unscrewed the caps of both bottles and switched them.


Parting Chips

Working at the post office, I'm used to dealing with a moody public. So when one irate customer stormed my desk, I responded in my calmest voice, "What's the trouble?"

"I went out this morning," she began, "and when I came home I found a card saying the mailman tried to deliver a package but no one was home. I'll have you know, my husband was in all morning! He never heard a thing!"

After apologizing, I got her parcel.

"Oh good!" she gushed. "We've been waiting for this for ages!"

"What is it?" I asked.

"My husband's new hearing aid."

Bonus Chips

RIDDLES

Q: Why did the Sheriff arrest the chicken?
A: It used fowl language.

Q: Why do firemen wear red suspenders?
A: To keep their pants up.

Q: What did the woman say to the calculator?
A: "I'm counting on you."

Q: Why does a pencil seem heavy when you write with it for a long time?
A: Because it is full of lead.

Q: How is a drama teacher like the Pony Express?
A: He's a stage coach.

Cross Chips

What Do You Get When You Cross...

A fawn with a hornet?
Bambee.

A policeman with a telegram?
Copper wire.

A canary with a mole?
A miner bird.

A pig with a cactus?
A porkerpine.

A cat with a lemon?
A sourpuss.

A banana with a red silk dress?
A pink slip.

A chicken with a bell?
An alarm cluck.

A duck with a steamroller?
A flat duck.

An Eskimo with a pig?
A polar boar.

A spider with a rabbit?
A hare net.

A ham with a karate expert?
Pork chops.

An owl with a goat?
A hootenanny.

An Indian with a cow?
Geronimoo.

A tiger with a needle?
Pin stripes.

A termite with a house?
An exterminator.

A dove with a high chair?
A stool pigeon.

A tree with a baseball player?
Babe Root.

A parrot with a centipede?
A walkie-talkie.

A rabbit with a kilt?
Hopscotch.

A dog with a daisy?
A collie-flower.

A hummingbird with a doorbell?
A humdinger.

The Green Giant with Robin Hood?
A Hoe-Bow.

The Atlantic Ocean with the Titanic?
Halfway.

A movie with a swimming pool?
A dive-in theater.

Telly Sevalas with a pool table?
A billiard bald.

A potato with an onion?
A potato with watery eyes.

A dog with a chicken?
A hen that lays pooched eggs.

A vulture with a small grass house?
A scavenger hut.

An evangelist with a hockey puck?
A puck that saves itself.

A pit bull with a collie?
A dog that bites your leg off and runs for help.

A kangaroo with a sheep?
A wooly jumper.

A gorilla and a sheep?
A very nice wool coat, except the sleeves are too long.