Nobody updates their xanga anymore. Me included. Oh well.. I'll update away anyway.  And I'll update in text because I don't know how to "talk" it out, people who don't care won't read unless there are pictures =p,  and i don't know what to do? who knows. maybe somebody else knows what to do O_o. I apologize in advance for the overly pessimistic entry. If you don't care (and it's fine to not care. If it were me, and I saw a bunch of text, I wouldn't), just skip it =p

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rambling_start{

So I thought it was weird that I've been more and more irritated /angry/sad lately ( I refuse to say depressed because frankly, there's nothing to be depressed about)- lately being since maybe a year ago.  I thought it was because I was  in Austin..away from family, the boyfriend, lonely, naturally "glass half empty" or whatever.. had a couple panic attacks.. move to Houston and everything will be a-ok.

But here I am in Houston, with family..the boyfriend, and I'm more irritated, angry, and sad for no reason.   I can't sleep at night. Or I can, but it takes me forever to get to sleep and I keep waking up with my mind going a mile a minute (I sit there and tell it to shut up...really.. my brain isn't very obedient), so I'm tired ALL the time. I get nervous over nothing. It's like I'm always anxious..or scared about nothing. I'll get nervous to the point that I want to get mad.. or cry, whichever I feel like at the moment. And then I'll sit there and hate myself because there's nothing to be angry about..or sad. Really..there isn't ANYTHING. A normal person would say my life is perfect, and I would agree, minus the fact that I don't have anyone to TALK to about this so I'm typing it on my xanga for all the people who don't read xangas and I don't know WHY. I think that was my anxiety talking..or nervousness..or anger..or sadness..whatever it is. And then there are normal days when I'm fine, and I feel absolutely nothing. And I think I'm normal again..and then someone will say something small, irrelevant, and innocuous and it'll start again.

So, being close to family and all, I try to ask my parents questions. They think people who are angry or sad or mad or "depressed" always have a reason for it. Find a hobby, get busy, and you'll get over it. I think I must not have a passion for anything. I tried learning things - I even tried teaching myself different programming languages. I picked up cross-stitching. I'm making a cute dinosaur. I'm watching lots and lots and lots of TV. I went through 30 library books in 3 weeks. I read books I own over again. It's not helping.

So now I'm considering going to see a doctor. But I feel like they can't tell me anything I don't already know, so why go talk to one for a hundred bucks an hour. Not only am I worried over nothing, I'll start worrying about all the things my hundred dollars could buy while I sit and listen to someone who tells me everything I know already (I think?) So I'm at an impasse. My mom said life isn't supposed to be hard. I dont agree with her much.

} //end_of_rambling

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K, that's it. Now I'll be diligent and go back to work. Maybe next time I update after 6 months we'll go to happy pictures.. or lesser simple text. Maybe i'll even be funny.