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| Summer!!Heeeyyy Reader! Wow. It's been a while. Much has happened since my last post. For one thing, SUMMER IS HERE!!! WHOOOO!! And I weigh 120lbs!!! YAAAAH!!! Hah hah.
But yeah, on to the serious news. I don't know, recently I've been feeling so overloaded with school, family and relationships. Just the stress of everything is piling up so fast and one minute I have to be here and the next minute I have to be there, but oh wait all the free time I have I have to spend with my Grandma (who's visitng all the way from HK). Gah. Too much stuff. In fact, the only reason I have time to write this post is because I'm waiting at school for my bus to arrive and I didn't bring my laptop so I can't study. Pretty pathetic huh? I think God's just been tellign me to sloooow down, take a breather, and just concentrate on the task at hand. I don't think I multitask very well :(
On another note, I managed to work up the will to delete some (not all) of my downloaded mp3s. Originally, I had around 13 gigs (or 4,500 something tracks) of music saved on my computer, whether it be rock, Christian, soundtrack-ee-junk, or oldies disco (hah hah SATURDAY NIGHT FEVER!!!). I managed to delete up to 1,600 tracks but I'm still not very satisfied. Why did I decide to finally do this deed? Well, one thing is people around me were really guilt-tripping me to do it (hah hah) and another reason was I honestly felt guilty for having such an excessive amount of stolen (yes it is stolen) material. But for the longest time, I've been pushing aside those feelings of guilt in favor of feeling satisfaction whenever I listen to new music or download an album from some artist. Man let me tell you; deleting stuff is HARD. See, cuz I'm the type of guy who, if I'm not watching TV/movie or sleeping or eating or geetar-ing, I'm listening to/researching new music. I liked finding new artists and then listening to their stuff...and then downloading ALL their stuff to listen to. But aaaugh it has to end! Besides, I've discovered a great site called radioblogclub.org (kudos to Tori) which gives me "enough" tracks to listen to. Still getting over the withdrawal symptoms to all that deletion but hey, it's coming. Hopefully, I'll be able to work up the nerve to delete the rest of my downloaded stuff (i.e. movies, tv shows, programs [noooo not Adobe Premiere!!!])
Wow so much has happened. Srry if I seem like I'm overloading you with all this junk. CCF committee meetings started in May and they've been going ok. We've been really praying for unity and stuff and yeah, still hoping for more unity, more transparancy and more comfortability with each other (is that even a word?). It's nice getting to know people better and stuff. Brian and Karen's wedding was last last Saturday...? Man, going to someone else's wedding really makes you think about when you'll get married...or when you'll finally find that special someone...or if you will ever find that special someone. Hah hah. Pray for me.
Recently, I've been struggling with a lot of feelings of unworthiness, but in the bad sense of the word. So it's not the kind of feeling where you're humbled and amazed at God's power and authority, it's the kind of feeling of "oh woe is me, I'm so useless etc" I don't know what brought up these feelings; maybe it's from my long buried insecurities or self-esteem issues. Like just feeling like you're not worthy of something or someone or that maybe God is wasting His effort on you. But like I stumbled across something in my devos today; Luke 12:22-34 about the "Don't worry about tomorrow" stuff. Like Jesus compares us to ravens and lilies and always ends off with "how much more valuable are you". And in verse 32, He says "Do not be afraid, little flock, for your Father has been please to give you the Kingdom". That's a refreshing thought. Even though I may sometimes feel rotten and like I'm dirt, God is greater and He is merciful; we are His children and He is our Father. How can a parent hate their child, or how can a child be unworthy of their Father in the Father's eyes? If that were the case, He wouldn't be much of a Dad would He? But He's the perfect Father, therefore we too are worthy in His eyes, even though we are not in actuality. That's a really comforting feeling.
Anyways, I have to go catch my bus. My long wait is over hah hah. God bless!
Cheers.
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| Little Bonsai
Hullo Reader! Yes, I know I haven't updated in a long time, and for that I apologize. I've been pretty distracted and blogging hasn't been very high on my priorities unfortunately.
Life since exams have been...pretty good I suppose. The week right after, I was just so relieved it was over. The strain of stress was gone and it felt good. I got an electric guitar, been hanging out more and yeah. It was nice. Iunno, I guess I was filled with a certain sense of peace; as if God is just giving me some time to take a break away from worries and away from everything else. I thank God for that week, because it was really what I needed; a nice refresher.
This past weekend was a little more rocky, I'm afraid. With the feeling of nothing to do starting to sink in, I fell back into some old habits, that of which I'm not very proud of. Not only that, but I found out marks for some of my courses. My Managerial Accounting mark was reaaaally good; a 76% on my final which boosted my grade up to a 67 which, for those of you who don't know, is reaaally good for managerial accounting (thank God!). Unfortunately, my OB mark wasn't so swell; my final mark's a D+, so I'm probably going to be taking it again (but definitely not with the same prof). A lot of my folks' friends have been getting pretty sick and my bro's graduation is in the air. Plus, summer school just started. All through this, I felt like I was being blown about by a heavy wind, tossing me here and there when every new problem arises. I felt like a little tree, a sapling, hanging onto the ground by its roots, its thin branches stripped bare of it fledgling leaves.
But through these moments, I couldn't help feeling a wiry sense of irony. If you see my screen name for MSN or even for this xanga page, you'll notice it's called "Bonsai Boy" which is a little moniker that I made up for myself a while back. Originally, this name came out "Bonsai", which was my nickname at Bridletowne summer day camp which I worked at last summer. Eventually, the name got modified to "Bonsai Boy" because...well...I liked it. That name really stuck with me for some strange reason. Now, if you don't know what a bonsai is, it is a miniature potted tree that originated from Japan; growers would snip off branches and raise the tree to become small, yet still retain its tree-like look and shape. Don't ask me why I chose this name last summer; I just like it.
But when I thought about it more, I actually feel a certain familiarity with the bonsai, or perhaps more so a sapling tree. As a sapling is young and weak in a forest of mighty oaks, so am I if compared with the wiser and more mature Christians around me. And like a sapling, my branches have yet to bear much fruit, but I cling onto the protective bosom of the earth with all my might, even as the wind threatens to carry me away. I'm not a rock; rocks are immobile, unshakable. Small trees, on the other hand, move to and fro with the wind, their life precarious and precious. Now I'm not saying my life is dangerous and such, but spiritually, I think we all agree that life is a roller coaster, going up and down with every new twist and turn. But I cling onto the God with my roots, or rather He clings onto me, and I will not be carried off by the heavy winds. I may be shaken and bruised, but as long as I'm rooted in Him, I will not perish, nor will I fail to grow. Perhaps one day I can join the mighty oaks of the great forest, whose only purpose is to stretch their branches high into the heavens in praise of their King, powerful trees that shake little and bear much fruit. Perhaps one day I will be strong and beautiful, wise and loving. That's the dream of this little bonsai. But until then, I'll keep on growing and learning.
"But blessed is the man who trusts in the LORD,
whose confidence is in him.
He will be like a tree planted by the water
that sends out its roots by the stream.
It does not fear when heat comes;
its leaves are always green.
It has no worries in a year of drought
and never fails to bear fruit."
Jeremiah 17:7-8
Cheers.
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| No Fear!Hi Reader! Yeah, I know it's been a week since my last post. Srry. I know you were tooootally looking forward to it [rolls eyes]. But here I am to end your long awaited anticipation.
Soo it's my Managerial Accounting exam tonight, which is the hardest course I've taken in university as of yet. I've heard bad things about MA but those don't match up to how tough it really is. I know what you're asking: are you ready? Well, I guess I'm as ready as I'll ever be; really trying to surrender it to God right now :P But I don't know, I feel a certain peace about it. In fact, I can't wait till it's over, because that means I don't need to think about it anymore hah hah. But I know that God is around so it's s'aaaaaall good. Nothing to fear.
Studying has been tough though. I get distracted every once in a while and some of those distractions aren't the most wholesome activities I should be doing. Man, it's tough to stay focused, eh? And with Facebook and FF7 and tv-links.co.uk right around the corner, the temptation to get distracted grows even heavier. Must...stay...away... Two...more...exams...!! Hah hah. Just praying that God will help me stay focused and dedicated, not so much on doing well in school for good marks and all but to simply do well in school to glorify Him. After all, it's not my life I'm living anymore, right? Jesus bought it with His blood, so I'm His property, which means I gotta do well cuz He wants me to do well. It's very liberating to think of yourself as merchandise; kinda puts everything into perspective. Forgive me, I'm in business. Hah hah. I wonder, is there ever a time when Jesus would want me to do poorly in school...? Sweeeet. Hah hah jks jks.
So yeah, I'm back to reviewing things over before I go and do this exam. If you guyz feel like you need a break (which is valid; just don't have too long of a break), check out www.godtube.com. It's like youtube, but with Jesus [wink]. Sounds good, ehhh?? EHHHHHH??? Hah hah. Aight, God bless!
Cheers.
PS. Oh and I couldn't resist. For 24 fans, check this out: http://nerdyshirts.com/productdetails.aspx?id=100089743
----------------------------------------------------- Updated Sunday April 15 11:24 PM -----------------------------------------------------
OH. MAN. Thank you Jesus. I think if I doubted God before, it's AAAAALL gone now. So I'm sitting in the exam and like I'm struggling, like REALLY struggling (it was TOUGH!). Near the start of the last hour, I suddenly remembered stuff and began scribbling it down (cuz, y'know, it's like the last hour and all). And by then, I was already feeling like "praise the Lord" right, cuz I still have a chance at this thing. But if THAT wasn't enough, suddenly, the alarms sounded blaring like CRAZY! Everybody was like, "wha-??" and it turns out to be... [dum dum dum man you're gonna start singing Hallelujah to the Lord with me when you hear this] ... A FIRE!!! NO WAY!!
Well, ok, not a fire but like a smoke alarm thingie. I'll bet it was just some smoker lighting up in the wrong place but MAN!! THANK GOD for smokers!! Hah hah! So we had to hand in our test early and exit the building and stuff. No danger, nothing like that. But the outcome of this little incident should be: A) retest YAY!! More time to study and don't have to fail that exam!! or B) they bump up everyone's marks to compensate and since I'm a little above average, bell curve would ROCK!! Well, in my case that is.
Now, I'm hoping and praying desperately right now that this is a good thing and that nothing extremely bad is going to happen with the final exam, cuz in this situation, things can either get very good or very bad. I'm praying that the latter will NOT happen. So yeah, I'm just glad to be outta that exam. Phew. Even if that means I hafta study another week for another exam, man I am T-H-A-N-K-F-U-L!! Hah hah. Peace.
-------------------------------------------------- Updated Wednesday April 18 12:15 AM --------------------------------------------------
Hello hello. Just an update. Good news! They're marking the exam out of 70 instead of 100. AND they posted the answers to the exam and I didn't do that bad...actually, since they're only marking your 4 best question out of the 5, I might actually do WELL. :P Hah hah.
BUT there's a bit of sad news too: apparently, they're missing my exam, so I might have to petition for a deferred exam in the summer which means that my current exam is void. How did this happen? Well, when I got to the Tait to do my exam, the tables allotted for my section were already full so the exam-helper-person-lady told me and two other ppl in my section to sit in the section BESIDE mine. So, I'm guessing amidst the confusion of the fire alarms, my exam got mixed up with the WRONG SECTION. Thus, it is missing.
I sent several e-mails to my prof concerning this dilema but she hasn't really done anything about it yet. So yeah, I'd appreciate your prayers involving this matter. I don't really mind retaking the exam in the summer, I'd just prefer not to. I know that God's got my back so whatever happens happens because He wanted it to. I mean, this is already a better situation than if the exam were to go uninterrupted, so whether it's retaking the exam or whether it's finding my current exam, I know this is the best-case scenario, since God's controlling the outcome, right? I'm just in need of some peace and a prompt conclusion to this situation. Thanks for reading and thanks in advance for your prayers! I reaaally appreciate it :D
Cheers.
-------------------------------------------------- Updated Wednesday April 18 6:10 PM --------------------------------------------------
It's FOUND!!! HURRAY!!! :D :D :D Thanks for your prayers guyz. God really does provide, doesn't He?
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| SurrenderingHullo Reader! Haven't posted in a while even though I'm trying to stay consistent. My apologies. I've been busy hah hah. So yeah, i don't really know what to write. I guess I could talk about some of the more recent events of my life.
So lately, God's really been teaching me a lot about what it means to surrender to His will and to His promise. Starting ever since that dude at Urbana played this awesome rendition of I Surrender All during communion, the topic of surrender has been bugging me everywhere I go. The subject arose especially during times of stress; it's exam season and I'm not doing as well as I wish I were. Not only that, but church duties and service has been a real heavy load. Things have just been...well, plain busy; I don't think Jesus intended Easter to be so packed. But, as you may have already guessed, God has really been telling me to just let go and surrender my worries, my anxieties and myself in general to Him.
It definitely has not been easy. I mean, I'm not the type of guy who prays before studying; I've never done it before and even when I tried, it doesn't really help. But I don't know; God has been moving in my heart this feeling of dedicating my studies to Him and His glory. That's one of the problems I face in university right now; just this feeling of pointlessness, of futility. But I think God trying to knock it in my brain that y'know, school is where I placed you but you don't have to go through it alone. Dedicate this time to Me, to honoring My Name through school and the rest will fall into place. Seek ye first His Kingdom and His righteousness and all these things will be given to you, kinda deal. And this has been a comforting thought.
But God doesn't just want my studies; no, He wants ALL of me. i.e. He wants my dreams, my aspirations, my good times as well as my bad times. Surrender ALL to His will, right? It's not just the bad stuff like worries and fears and whatnot; it's also your dreams of who you want to be etc. If it's not God's will, then well, it's just YOUR will and not God's. I mean we sing songs with phrases like "take it all" or "I surrender all". The word "all" doesn't mean just the stuff you want to get rite of. Sometimes, it stuff you can't let go of but you still have to surrender it to God.
Take me for example, and to make it interesting, why don't we talk about the always electrifying, always juicy topic of luuuuuuve [rolls eyes]. Let's see, I've been single for nineteen going on twenty years, so I'm used to like "keeping my eyes open" for gurls in case there are any "potentials" (oh man, this is sooo embarrassing). Potentials for me are based upon a subconscious criteria that I have deep within my brain whether I like it or not; just a few standards that must be met if I'm ever going to consider dating this person. Totally normal, right? (c'mon, work with me ppl) So I'm used to, and am comfortable with, looking out for myself; I'm familiar to evaluating compatibility based on my standards. But God's recently been challenging me over and over again, "do you trust Me?" and if you apply this to the love situation, it's "do you trust Me with finding who is best for you, knowing when you are going to meet her, and how it's going to happen?" And man, saying yes has never been so HARD!! Hah hah. I mean, y'know it's "natural" to "keep your eyes open" right? I can't help doing it; it's part of being single. Everybody who's looking for a partner for life naturally searches for someone whom they can spend their life with; it's like a "love radar" if you will. But God's been like saying, "yo, you don't have to keep your eyes open anymore. I've got your back, I know who's best for you. There's no need to meet people on the basis of whether or not they fit into your 'criteria'. Love ppl as brothers and sisters FIRST and leave the rest to Me. If something happens, it's only because I WANTED it to happen, so chillax man". And dude, just giving it up, that is TOUGH. I mean, what if God chooses someone who is TOTALLY not my type? I mean I want to choose MY future girlfriend, I don't want to be set up! But heeeey, when you think about it...isn't God like the BEST matchmaker in the ENTIRE UNIVERSE?? Hah hah. But like it says in Jeremiah 29:11 (which was quoted during someone's baptism speech today; talk about God knocking something over your head) "'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the Lord, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future'". So if you love God and you trust Him with all that you have, then what need is there to fear?
Ultimately, God has just been teaching me about trust and what it means to surrender to Him. Trust means you have faith that God will provide, that you believe and are convicted that God is watching over you and that you are taken care of. To surrender means to submit, to give yourself up, to yield everything that you are to the power of a greater, wiser and more powerful being. Yeah, that's just a little something God's been showing me these past few days. Praise God that He's there to look after you, amen? Man, I'm sooo glad I have a Shepherd to watch over me, cuz duuude...I am one stupid sheep! Thank God that God is there! :D
Cheers.
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| Luke 1"...for nothing is impossible with God..." - Luke 1:37 Hello Reader! So I've been reading the Gospels for my devos just to get a deeper understanding of the character and teachings of Jesus and I've recently come across the passage of Luke 1. So to recap, this is what happened from Luke 1:5-80: Once upon a time, there was a dude named Zechariah and he had a wife named Elizabeth, who was somehow related to Mary the mother of Jesus. They were both old and they didn't have any kids because Liz was barren. Now ol' Zack's job was being a priest so one day, he was chosen by lot to burn incense all alone inside the temple. So as he's burning incense, suddenly an angel (enter Gabriel) appears and tells him "Yo man, you're gonna have a baby! He will be a joy and delight to you and ppl will rejoice because of his birth for he will be great in the sight of the Lord" and he compared this baby (who's eventually John the Baptist) to Elijah since he will "make ready a people prepared for the Lord". Hearing this, I suppose Zack got a little doubtful and a little freaked so he was like "Pish yeaaah right! Me and my wife are so old!" but Gabe was totally like "Hey, man. I'm Gabriel. I stand in the presence of God, and I have been sent to speak to you and to tell you this good news. And now you will be silent and not able to speak until the day this happens, because you did not believe my words, which will come true at their proper time" and Zack was immediately stricken dumb. So then ppl were wonderin' why Zack couldn't speak and stuff but true to Gabe's words, Liz got pregnant and stayed in seclusion for 5 months; and she gave thanks to the Lord. (Luke 1:5-25) Flash forward to Mary, who at this time was betrothed to Joseph and was still a virgin. So as she was doing her daily thing, suddenly Gabe appears to her (Gabe is one lucky angel) and said "Greetings you who are highly favored! The Lord is with you and you will soon be with child and give birth to a son, and you are to give Him the name Jesus. He will be great and will be called the Son of the Most High. The Lord God will give Him the throne of his father David, and He will reign over the house of Jacob forever; His kingdom will never end". Now Mary too was troubled at these words but instead of saying "yeaaah right" she said "So...uh...how's it going to happen, since I'm a virgin". And Gabe answered saying that the Holy Spirit will come upon her and the power of the Most High will overshadow her, and he also mentioned Liz, who was pregnant and she was old. So if God can do that, he can give YOU [Mary] a child too, for "nothing is impossible with God". And Mary replied I am the Lord's servant. May it be to me as you have said." (Luke 1:26-38) Skip ahead to verse 57 and Liz gives birth to John. Ppl were telling her to name him after a relative (probably because they want the baby to be named after them :P) but Zack told them (actually, he wrote to them) "his name is John" following the instructions of Gabriel. Immediately, his silence was lifted and he erupted in praise of God and even wrote a song (Luke 1:67-80). And John became John the Baptist and he was strong and went to live in the desert (Luke 1:57-80). So there are several points that I want to make from this passage. First, let's focus on God's promise. The angel Gabriel appeared to both Zechariah and Mary with a similar message to both of them. In Zechariah's case, however, the message bore not only a promise but also instruction. Gabriel tells him in verse 13 "Do not be afraid, Zechariah; your prayer has been heard. Your wife Elizabeth will bear you a son, and you are to give him the name John. 14He will be a joy and delight to you, and many will rejoice because of his birth, 15for he will be great in the sight of the Lord. He is never to take wine or other fermented drink, and he will be filled with the Holy Spirit even from birth. 16Many of the people of Israel will he bring back to the Lord their God. 17And he will go on before the Lord, in the spirit and power of Elijah, to turn the hearts of the fathers to their children and the disobedient to the wisdom of the righteous—to make ready a people prepared for the Lord". Notice that along with the promise of joy and delight and all that jazz, there also comes along serious instructions. And God doesn't even allow room for disobedience, for only when Zechariah followed the instruction of the Lord by naming the child John that his tongue was loosed. It's like, "Zack, I [God] am going to bless you with a kid but you WILL name him John and you WILL NOT let him drink wine etc." So when receiving blessings, I suppose it's not always appropriate to only expect blessings and not instruction too, though there are instances where you simply receive, as Mary did. Just like when Jesus forgives the woman caught in adultery in John 8; he forgives her but tells her to "sin no more". I'm tempted to put in a "or else" after that statement but Jesus didn't do it. Hah hah. Second, the impossibility of God's promise. We're so consumed with what can be done and what can't be done that sometimes we lose sight of the POWER of God. Sometimes, we just get lost in 'reality' and 'impossibility vs. possibility' that we forget that God made ALL THINGS possible when He created everything in the first place. If He could create the universe, then isn't everything possible? It's understandable for us though, we are ultimately human and therefore flawed. We think we know what is possible and impossible through what we see in daily life; a pig cannot fly, a tree cannot talk, spoons cannot breed with forks to create sporks. But I suppose that would be the equivalent of saying to someone, "Hey! You can't place that lego piece on that lego piece! You can't draw that airplane! You can't write that word! That's 'impossible'!". Well, if you're the creator and author, then yeah, you could TOTALLY draw that airplane or write that word; what's stopping you? You have the power, you can do it. Kinda the same with God. I mean, He created everything, He wrote the lives of a million gazillion people, He shaped the earth and cast the stars in the heavens, HE'S GOT THE POWER!! Why CAN'T He do it? Because we humans do think He can? When you think about it, it's kind of silly, our human rationale. Then, there's the whole issue of how we react to God's promise. Look at Zechariah: he was totally doubtful of what God was going to do in his life because he was too stuck into the human sense of reality. He was hesitant because he knew that he and Elizabeth were old and they've already tried having kids to no avail. Perhaps he didn't want to try again and fail again. But look at the signs! He's talking to an ANGEL for crying out loud! How can you doubt? What more can a person ask for as a sign, right? For God to actually appear in front of him and tell him to his face "yo man, you're gonna have a kid"? But we ppl are so often hindered by our past and our notion that it's impossible that we lose sight of the POWER of God and what He can do. Like Gabriel said, "nothing is impossible with God". And look where Zack's doubt got him! He couldn't talk at all until John was birthed. I'm sure after he was stricken dumb that he believed that God was going to give him a son, and if I had given up hope in having a child and suddenly, I have ASSURANCE that God was going to give me one soon, I'd want to praise God at the top of my lungs. But Zack wasn't given that opportunity, since he couldn't talk. Because of his doubt, he robbed himself of his chance to give praise and thanks to the one who provided him with this blessing, and it was only until after he had obeyed the command of God that he was given back that opportunity to praise Him and sing to Him. And man, if he could sing like that when his silence was lifted, imagine that burning desire to praise God when he was silent. Must've been torture. But let's look at Mary's reaction. So admittedly, she too was troubled when she was given this news. I mean, who wouldn't be? If someone suddenly got pregnant and you know it wasn't the fiancée, ppl would start asking questions. Imagine the gossip! It's SCANDELOUS!! But Mary didn't ask why, or doubted; no, she just asked "how". Her question "how is this supposed to happen since I'm a virgin" implies a little doubt but doesn't say it outright. Doubt would be like "pish no way man. Are you kidding me??" but her question could be taken as just a simple inquiry, just an "ok...but how is it going to happen"? I mean, if I were a gurl [ok that's a stretch, but bear with me] and I found out I'm going to be mysteriously pregnant, I'd be a little worried too cuz I mean, I'm gonna be carrying the baby and I've never carried one before so I don't know how it feels, how it's going to happen etc. But I think God understood that it was an honest question and explained a little bit of what's going to happen to her. It wasn't much of a description, but Mary accepted it anyway and said "may it be as you said". So where am I going with all this? I guess what I mean is yes, there are occasions where God is ok with us asking for proof (ex. Gideon asked for a sign THREE TIMES in Judges 6) but there are also occasions where we just have to say "OK. May it be as you say" like Mary did, even if we're a little doubtful and even if we are afraid of the unknowns. I think God understands wherever we're coming from but really, it's up to YOU how to react to His promise. Zechariah's response was understandable and very human, but it wasn't the RIGHT response. God desires obedience, even in times of doubt. God also doesn't always dish out blessings like Christmas presents either; sometimes he gives you a blessing but it comes with an instructions manual. So it's up to YOU whether or not to assemble that blessing on your own (in which case you'll probably destroy it) or to follow God's instructions and trust that this is what's best for you. And finally, trust that God can do the impossible, because impossibility is a human notion, not a Godly notion. We have to expect the impossible, for nothing is impossible with God. Cheers. | | |
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