Currently Listening Lucy Gray By Envy on the Coast Starving Your Friends see related
Tired, and I don't know why
and I feel a little bitter, don't know why either. And it's not towards anyone or anything in particular. I feel a little inspired, but too exhausted to act on anything. I guess I'm tired of being tired, or maybe I just need some sleep. I really don't like sleeping; I don't mind the whole relaxing benefit, but I feel like I'm wasting all my time sleeping, so tomorrow--if you read this in time, and I guess every weekend from now on, call me at 9:00AM and make sure I get out of bed by then! Please and thank you, hah.
Cause I fall three times as hard If it's from nothing at all You all seem twice as tall as I will ever be Cause I feel terribly small When my head works too hard When you think with your chest There's not a thing that you don't see
I'm hardly capable of half the damage That I would like to do I could swear that I don't care But you know I'm too full of shit to think this through So look at me, I pray to God But curse too much to be considered true I'm just like me, I'm just like me So who the hell are you? --Envy On The Coast [Starving Your Friends]
and I'm holding my breath again--but in a good way. Things (deadlines, tests, priorities) have been piling up, but it isn't the usual 'gradual' transition brought on by procrastination (I'm growing to despise that word). It's more so everything's coming at once, and i'm not even pulling my hair out. I'm stressed, somewhere deep down in my brain, and the thing is, slowly, but surely, i'm getting things done... I hope. Well, it's been about 2 months since I updated, so i'll fill you guys in about some recent events. Uhhh where to start, let's see. Corpus Christi was, fast. Videos are in my Myspace blog (www.myspace.com/truccc). I broke my last guitar pick, and i've spent almost all of my money stash to the point where you can hardly even consider it a stash. I woke up at 8:45AM on a school day, on TAKS day, and I wasn't late. Best Buy screwed me over, since I pre-ordered something weeks ago and now it's 'backordered'. I'm still waiting for my Underdog Alma Mater CD, and I cannot believe I haven't even had a taste of it. BUT, i'm growing to be more patient because it's something i'm definitely not proud of lacking, and sometimes the source of my stress!
My black ink Uniball gel-roller-pen thing is running out, or at least was running out in English class. I think I revived it a while ago, but I think it's safe to say it's not reliable anymore. I barely have a month left of school, but I don't feel like I accomplished anything. Don't get me wrong, i'm very satisfied with my grades this year (and I should probably soak up all the glory I get before next year when machine guns will fire at my grades), but I still feel like i've got unfinished business. All the classes i've gotten used to will disperse and cease to acknowledge me, and vice versa. Well, i've got okay-memory, but it's what kills me in the end anyway. So i've got a month left to do something. If I leave with this feeling of 'incompleteness,' i'll make up for it in the summer. I refuse to let this upcoming summer become just another awkward, uncomfortable memory. I will find a job; I will learn more guitar so maybe some nice folks would take me in and we could make music (and babies. just kidding); I will exercise; I will keep and grow on the good relations with the people I know now; I will learn to cook something
My teeth feel like they're getting straighter, although I have a bracket that is completely, entirely loose! :D I also promise to log-in tomorrow and check the subscriptions, posts, and stuff and then comment the rest of you, but it's 1:32 AM and I think I need some sleep.
I felt like a woke up next to an ocean today, as if I could see endless miles of ocean if I peeked through the dusty blinds on my windows that I never touch. Harmless waves would be crashing into eachother without a sound, and two seagulls would be floating in the air with a sense of direction, but they still won't seem to be going anywhere. The sky would be bright enough to make you squint a little, but the sun wouldn't be visible through the thick covering of clouds. I'd be able to taste the salt in the air, while random gusts of wind annoyingly brush my hair across my nose. And all those thoughts were generated from one cloudy, windy morning. It was oddly satisfying. It felt like a lonely vacation, but it was a vacation nonetheless, so i'll take that. I woke up without any disturbances of alarm clocks, loud conversations, or doors opening and slamming shut. Well, I did set my alarm, and I did wake up early, but I fell back asleep.
Why wake up early? I needed to make some time to watch this movie or drama or whatever. My friend insisted I watch it, and as much as i'm uninterested, I owe her an attempt at the very least. It's hard to believe, but I'm busy almost 24/7, and even when i'm sleeping, probably. I'm juggling a lot of different things, but okay. I'll go watch that 2 hour movie dingy and the rest of the day will be mine.
Oh, this episode has potential to make you pee a little
Just pause the music player at the very bottom right side of my page
Except for of course this accidental subscription of Maxim magazines which somehow found my address. I thought it was a magazine about games and gadgets until my brother told me what it really was. Damn, now my parents probably think i'm a pervert.
Aside from that, i've been receiving several letters from colleges and such, 12 so far. SMU's mail appeals to me most, probably because of the colorful envelope and neat cardboard information brochure inside, but you can't judge a book by its cover, or in this case, a school by its envelope! At first, this massive (compared to the little mail I actually receive) mail surge was pretty exciting, with how every letter had my name printed on it--but that's the thing. It said my name, and some praises with how my test scores didn't suck, but it was a printer that said it, not a person. Same with the signature. Everytime I got a letter, I'd hold it up to the light or look at it from behind, and conclude that it was a printed signature. I know the universities don't have the time to look at everything, sign everything, or write everything, but I just feel like this is all so.. impersonal and that i've been "processed". You know? I promise i'm not complaining, it's just got me wondering, and those are all the thoughts I can get into words at the time being
I just got a knock on the door for a UPS delivery today for someone's birthday present. Whoo! I'm also expecting a letter with special tickets (carrying my heart in them) and stuff, and a new magazine subscription to a magazine I actually WANT to read, haha. Alternative Press.. badabing, badabang. I also mailed a letter recently, and when it came time to putting on the finishing touches, I discovered that I didn't know the postage stamp requirements. I got help, but wow, that's an eye-opener. "Truc! Learn how to cook and mail letters and do the laundry for the your own sake!"
Well, today wasn't so bad. I kind of cruised through a difficult-ish chemistry quiz and I felt naseous for half of the day, but it was an overall breezy day. Oh, if you haven't noticed already, I advise you to go buy a box of tictacs and marvel at how they're all aligned when you first buy them. It's positively splendid--perfect for people with ADD and OCD. I might develop an addiction for these soon.
We're unwinding the strings of the blankets We've been wrapping ourselves around Faster spinners are in a daze The ones holding on have lost their way And all the gestures to hold the strings Go unnoticed everyday
Smile at someone completely random, hold a door open for someone. Friends are a luxury, people who'll care to listen are blessings, don't ever forget that :) Oh my, i'm wasting time
Why is everyone suddenly interested in dyeing their hair all sorts of colors? Not just highlights or a shade of light-brown or whatever, but colors like red, blue, purple, etc. I overhear people talking about it in my classes and see people making plans to do so pretty often. I don't necessarily have a problem with people personally, but the way they seem to talk about it seemed to morph this hair-dyeing event into a trend with 'cliche' scribbled all over it, and my immediate reaction was to crumple up that plan and toss it in the garbage. I had hopes to dye a strip my hair a bright blue (or any shade of blue for that matter) for the hell of it. I knew I probably wouldn't ever because of my dad, but I probably didn't have a reason either. There's nothing I can pinpoint that I wanted others to think of me, but I guess I liked the idea because it made a statement, I don't know what it is, but I felt that it was something I should do. I didn't want to be special because of it, I didn't want to be known for it, but I wanted to do it. Don't get me wrong, I can see how it'd be appealing. I'm not trying to deprive anyone of doing what makes them happy. I really don't know where I'm going with this.
It's just a little disappointing to see how the "statement-carrying-doings" seem to be slowly used up. Maybe that just goes to show that we're really more alike than we thought we were. I shouldn't be discouraged by the choices of other people, because if I really wanted to, it shouldn't bother me, right? Maybe i'm just wanting to do it for the wrong reasons, and i'm just being selfish. Or i'm just taking this all too personally. Maybe, I just need excitement. Then again, what's the use of excitement if there's no one to share it with? Well, there's plenty of people, but maybe I just need to go out more, and stop thinking! Haha, I guess my main point is that it's kind of depressing when things become overused and overrated (even though that word has no meaning really). In itself, that makes a statement that it's worthy of the attention, but it's just that when that 'it' takes the spotlight, there's always gonna be others who'll be left behind as props in the background. That probably doesn't make sense... I don't hate everything everyone likes, I just miss the special-ness of things I suppose. I know there's not enough space in the world for everything to be special, but there are too many personalities for everything to be the same. It's probably another lesson in life, things fade and grow old and tired. So it's not necessarily others, it's just.. me? Memories supposedly last forever, so I should work on making more of those.
I bet you can give me so many reasons that'll make me seem like a hypocrite, a hater, and an ignorant-selfish pessimist, and I do feel like a hypocrite replaying my thoughts in my head, but I just needed to get those thoughts out, once and for all. It makes me feel little how other people can accept all this stuff so well. I'll try not to complain so much anymore.
Aside from that, Happy 'Love Is The Movement' Day If it weren't for Jessica Tong, I wouldn't have known so thanks, for letting me feel a little more included today. There's an ocean of lonely people out there, so just the littlest, simplest things can make someone's day--keep that in mind! Well, so far my grades are just laughing at me and my english teacher seems to be trampling my personality. I liked writing, but I suppose i'm just not ready to have everyone like my writing. I just hope it's not my "voice" she doesn't like cause if it is, well, way to kick someone down when they didn't even want to stand in the first place. But hey! I got my life back on track kind of Well, that's enough reading for you today. So I sound a bit pessimistic in this entry, sue me (don't, I'm broke). Wow, and it's only been two days since my last blog. That was a lot to take in, so thanks for your time, soldier!
I probably used the words "guess", "probably", "supposedly", and "maybe" over a hundred times (l used it again just now). Boy, am I undecisive today.
If it weren't for Jessica Tong, I wouldn't have known so thanks, for letting me feel a little more included today. There's an ocean of lonely people out there, so just the littlest, simplest things can make someone's day--keep that in mind! Well, so far my grades are just laughing at me and my english teacher seems to be trampling my personality. I liked writing, but I suppose i'm just not ready to have everyone like my writing. I just hope it's not my "voice" she doesn't like cause if it is, well, way to kick someone down when they didn't even want to stand in the first place. But hey! I got my life back on track kind of 