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cindatha
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Name: Cindey
Birthday: 5/17/1968
Gender: Female
Interests: God. My Man. My Kids. Music. Music. Music. Writing. Travel. Photography.
Message: message me
Member Since:
4/11/2006
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| Running Okay, so for Mother's Day, Dean got me the prettiest pair of running shoes. Pink and Mocha (love it!). So, yesterday was the first time I've run in a couple of years. I ran a mile and a half and thought that was good enough for a start. What has prompted this new enthusiasm for running, you might ask? I saw my reflection in a mirror at a clothing store and didn't even recognize myself and I turned right around, went home, put on the shoes and headed out.
I don't know how it's possible to carry 20 pounds of extra weight on my rear and thighs alone, but I manage to do it somehow. I gain very little weight anywhere else and so it's just bizarre when I put on even 10 pounds. Have you ever picked up a 5 pound bag of potatoes??? It's pretty darn heavy and lumpy. How do I fit two of those on each leg and bun???
And now that Dean is Uber Postman walking all over town and skinnier than I've seen him in eons, I can't stay this way. I'll be on the beach in a few weeks and at this point I could do irreparable damage to my very expensive swimsuit. Elastic can only stretch so much!
So, in a couple of days I turn 40, and while I was running I did all I could to push that out of my mind, saying to myself, "I'm an Army girl. I feel the same as I did when I was 20. I can do this. Stop being a woos..." You know, encouraging stuff like that.
So, cheer me on!!! Who knows, maybe I could run a 5K like Michelle in a few months. Or, maybe I'll just be able to fit into my small clothes. | | |
| Feeling Bad I had to confront someone the other day about some really destructive behavior and now I feel sad. I hate this feeling. You always wonder when you confront someone if that's gonna be the end of the relationship. In the end, you have to be obedient to God, but it's still enormously difficult.
I wish Jess and the Caps lived close by. They always brighten my day and I could sure use a walk, a talk, and some coffee with them.
Dean's busy every moment of the day, poor guy. He's got so many irons in the fire. We're praying for some rest from it all soon.
Lochlan has started football weight training at the high school. So far, so good. I'll be checking into registering him for classes at the community college because they can do that as freshmen in H.S. here. That should be interesting. I might sign him up for drama or musical theater at the high school. He can pick and choose what classes he wants to participate in at the H.S. as a homeschooler. Pretty sweet deal.
I'll sign Lucas up for art or PE at the public school. If it doesn't work out for him, I can always stop.
My niece, Nicole, is bringing 5 friends up from MIZZOU this weekend for a visit. It should be fun having a gang of girls in the house and showing them around town. | | |
| Fireflight - "Unbreakable"Track 3 is the only song I don't like. | | |
| Subject - Verb Agreement I really should be writing something (not a blog), but the day is at its end and it seems too late to start. I could also be reading something that will improve my writing. Something like "The Complete Dummies Guide to Writing" so I can perfect subject-verb agreement in my prose. Ahhh, oh well. It'll happen.
My head's been swimming lately over the concepts of taking charge of my life and being who I wanna be. I remember the first time I got the gist that I had some control over who I'd be. I was 15, my brother had committed suicide the year before, and it got me to thinking. I wanted to die, too, and I really didn't want to try any more. Life was so hard. Too hard. I didn't even care if it would eventually get better. The battle of getting from horrible to not so bad seemed too long and daunting and definitely not worth the effort. It seemed more reasonable to put myself out of my misery. But, some faithful friends saw me through those darkest of times and when things had slightly improved, I was stuck with the question, "So, now what?" "This is it?" I thought. "I have no real prospects; no bright future. I'm a total slacker and a sad and angry one, at that. So, is this it? This is how I'm gonna be all my life?" Pathetic. Insignificant.
It was at that time, that I went on a quest for God. And it was then that He showed me that who I was gonna be was a decision. I didn't know anything about God. No knowledge of who Jesus was. And still, God spoke to me and revealed a part of Himself to me. What I realized is that, I could commit suicide and be done with the old self that I hated. Figuratively, not physically, I could kill that old person. And, I decided I could choose the new me. Who did I wish I was? What kind of person did I wish I had been? What kind of person did I wish my brother had been, instead of physically killing himself - who could he have chosen to be, alleviating the need to destroy his body to kill the pain?
For me, I had a list: a person that was thought of by others as loving, kind; the sort of person that people would miss if she died. Not the kind of person that people thought, "Oh, I saw that one coming. That girl was mental." Or, "It's sad that that happened to her, but she was a weirdo."
No one remembers my brother. He didn't leave a positive legacy. He left a lot of damage behind. A lot of sorrow. A lot of negative stuff... And, I just didn't want to be that anymore. And so, I made a decision (not a decision for Christ, yet - that was to come later). I made a decision to be the kind of person I admired from a distance. I would be all the things that I wanted to see in others.
It was the beginning of a new way of thinking. To think I didn't have to the be the wounded, damaged, victim any more. I could be the healed, recovered, helpful, loving person that I had been wishing I was. It really was a matter of making a decision.
Now, I'm in that place again. I am at a crossroads in life where it's time to choose. Which way am I gonna go? Who do I want to be?
The really awesome thing about being born again, is that it's a heavy duty dose of dieing to the old self and being reborn anew. You shed the things of the past, setting your gaze on what's to be and who you are to become. I like it a lot. I'm happy to say that when I was 21, I completely and successfully committed suicide. I killed the old me. The desperate me. The unsatisfied me. The me that was full of longing and could never be filled up. The me that looked for love in all the wrong places. The me that held on to anger and resentment and judgement. The me that was aggressive and opinionated and if you didn't like it that was your problem. I killed that girl. And I buried her.
Sometimes, she tries to claw her way back up from the grave, but she's just a ghost. She's a spook who haunts my thoughts and feelings sometimes. But, I am comforted in the knowledge that God has rid me of that girl and allowed the me that He intended, to shine.
The things that hold me back now from being all that I can be are really echoes of the voices from the past. Those echoes from all those people the old me dealt with and the loudest echo, the cries of the old me. But, once again, I am determined to be rid of any residual affects of the old me. I'm gonna keep striving toward a newer, better, more solid me with each passing day. And now I have God to accomplish it in me. | | |
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