I have come so far; too far down a deep path: So far, I don't know what to do anymore (in the sense that what I think I have to do is unreasonable)

I look at myself playing cards at huge stakes, becoming more nihilistic, becoming even more of a loner.

And then I count my chips and it's all good.

I don't want to say, "I want to go back in time"; that sounds too weak and makes it seem as if I had a choice to make a better life decision. I played the best move~ perhaps the only move.

People who know nothing; who have a good relationship with someone they love: they are truly the luckiest people. I too wish I could see the first love again; when I think about the past~ I wonder how she's doing.... But somehow all those good memories seem to be from a time when I was a different person. I think all my humanistic qualities, the parts of me that wanted to help other people.... I think they just faded into the mists.

Funny how society has a way of making good guys into cold cruel beings.

I'm slowly becoming.... inhuman.

I like this picture for some reason~ Hehehehehe.

So the other day::: I went to a sword gallery~ I took a cab to meet a kendo master here.... Then we went to a sword gallery together~ I had been planning to pick up a blade or two.... I prepared about $1k thinking it might buy a shitty beater sword.... The sword gallery was a bit disappointing first.... but it did have some nice pieces..... The first sword that caught my eye.... I ask them to take it out; they usually don't bother with customers (pain in the ass to remove them from glass cases) but the owner came out to greet us and I guess knew the master I was with.

The one that caught my eye was great except it was so heavy.... I went through a few other swords. There was one that felt really nice, but it was too light~
SO I decide on the really heavy sword... I decide to put down the down payment for it *I can't take it out, I need to get the official papers for it....

THen out of the corners of my eye... I see a sword; it's got a hint of gold on the tsuba.... It was so nice!! It's the one magical one~ you know?? the one you don't see or aren't supposed to see? I fell in love with it.... I asked to handle it; oh my goodness, it was as heavy as the heavy one... but the balance was much better!!

It cost a decent amount of money, but I can't wait til it's in my hands!
Oh after putting in the paperwork and paying for about half of it~ I asked that the blade be sheathed! so that noone else may gaze upon my newly acquired killing tool~