here's what happened:

friday night, geoff, kristen, pam and i all went out for a little karaoke.  harmless fun, right?

a group of people show up and sit at the booth behind us.  no problem-o.

well, incredibly tall dancer girl, wearing a negligee of a dress gets on the dance floor.  whatever....

she pulls her dress up, so you can see her thong.  all of it. and continues throughout the evening to do so.  again, whatever.  we are not giving our attention to this....

another chick gets up and sings the song, "maneater", so kristen, geoff and myself do what we do best....dance.

super tall dancer girl joins us....ok....

she then targets geoff, and makes an alligator expression with her arms and starts saying, "MANEATER!" and runs up to him.  he is now pinned against the window flat handedly hitting her in her solar plexes telling her to get off of him as she begins rubbing her body all over him.  he is yelling, "get off me! get off me! this is enough!" she procedes to put her leg UP ON HIS SHOULDER! thus exposing her thong, once again and rubbing herself all over geoff, who is now hitting her in the solar plexes harder and harder.

i grab her arm.  "get the fuck off."
geoff escapes.
she procedes to tell me she is just joking around....
i say, "not fucking funny."
she says, "i just put my leg up on him."
"well, if you don't fucking stop, i am going to put my fists up on you."
"i'm just craazzzy!  i was just having fun!"
"i don't give a shit."
"i'm a lesbian!"
"don't give a shit.  you are disrespectful."

kristen begins to clap and walk in a circle, "we're walking in a circle. we're walking in a circle!"  so tall dancer girl follows...."we're walking in a circle!"

oh my god.  i seriously almost hit her.  i would have gone to jail.  it would have been worth it.  if you're crazy enough to pull shit like that, be crazy enough to get fucked up.

boom.

the scene:
me, in my car, stopped at a red light, in the left-hand turn lane (of a three lane street), MLK, to be exact.  listening to dwight yoakam.

crossing the crosswalk, older, rounder woman, holding a cane, driving a rascal....

she is not paying attention to what she is doing.  she runs into my car!!  not even kidding.  hits the front passenger side tire and bounces back a little.  she glares at me and hits my car with her cane!  i said, "uh, i am NOT in the cross walk, lady!"  she backs up angrily and speeds across to the sidewalk.

highlight of my day.  boom.

we spent the weekend up at mt. hood at the family cabin...all i have to say is:

my conversation with our apple tree

before i record our conversation, you must know the apple tree in our back yard is luscious and producing apples on one side, the other side is dead and there are a couple of hollow spots in the trunk.  i love this tree.

me:  hi apple tree
tree:  hi
me:  so...how did you get here?
tree:  lots of life, i guess.  water, sun, etc.
me:  yeah, i get that.  but, what's up with the split down the middle?
t:  what do you mean?
m:  you know, the half dead, half alive thing....
t:  oh...yeah, you noticed...i'm embarrassed you see that....
m:  i notice everything.  but you have nothing to be embarrassed about.
t:  ok.
m:  why hasn't anyone cut the dead limbs off?
t:  because the dead limbs are where we are feeding the animals from.
m:  weird.  couldn't you just move the bird feeder, squirrel feeder and bird house to the other side?
t:  no.
m:  why not?
t:  they depend on finding their food from this side.
m:  can't they re-learn where to go?
t:  i guess so.
m:  so, what's the problem?
t:  i can't move the feeders and the house by myself.  i'm not capable....i've grown into this position, without really wanting it.
m:  would you feel better if the dead side was gone and we were using the fruitful side to feed the animals from?
t:  maybe.  i'm scared.
m:  ok....how do we fix this?
t:  i don't feel like i need to be fixed, i just feel weird about you noticing.  but, if what you are saying is true and i would feel better in the long run, i think there may be some tools involved....but like i said, i can't do it myself and while the cutting happens, i don't want to scare the animals so that they never come back, or disturb the neighbors.  i want the neighbors to like me.
m:  don't you think after the initial shock, they will come back? and your neighbors have had to do the same thing with their trees...i think if we are careful of when we make noise, they will be ok with it...heck, some of them may off to help.
t:  i don't know, that's what i am scared of....
m:  loneliness?
t:  being purposeless.  and letting down the animals.  not being there like i have been.  and the exposure.  it's embarrassing i've become this way.
m:  but you're already bearing fruit from the healthy side, it just needs to be picked....you have purpose.  and all trees need pruning from time to time, you just haven't been properly pruned this past year, is all....that's not necessarily your fault!  it must have been tough to stand up in the storms we had this past winter, not to mention the snow....
t:  i like the challenge of a good storm...but, your father-in-law thinks if you cut off the dead branch the bird house is on, i will look weird and could possibly topple over.  not to mention the other branches....
m:  what if we slowly pruned?  a little at a time?
t:  i don't know.  i'm scared.
m:  i know...but i won't let you fall.  we could move one feeder at a time, too, so the change isn't too drastic for you or the animals and we could prune little by little...
t:  that still scares me.
m:  i will only do it when you are ready....but we do need to do it, before the dead stuff takes over and kills the fruit you are ready to bear or stifles the growth you have in you.
t:  i know.  i know.
m:  and, what if when we prune, new stuff grows from the dead?
t:  i doubt it...it's PRETTY dead....
m:  we will never know if we don't try.
t:  but it's what i'm used to....what if i no longer look like the boo radley tree you love?
m:  i would rather have you healthy and bearing as much fruit as possible than slowly dying on the inside.  i will love you, no matter what...even if we have to cut you all the way down to the stump -- but don't worry, i don't think that's necessary.  but it will be if we don't act soon....i will love you, no matter what.
t:  would you?
m:  of course!
t:  but i'm worried about the squirrels and the birds.
m:  i know...that's one of the reasons i love you.  you care so much about the little ones.  the ones that some might think a nuisance or not worth the seed you give, you love and care for....but i promise you, they will be taken care of and you will have the opportunity to continue to be a part of that, we just need to make a few adjustments, for everyone's sake.
t:  what do you mean?  am i not doing a good job?
m:  no, you are doing a great job!  but, what if a squirrel is on your dead limb and it breaks?  or what if a large limb just breaks off in a wind storm and causes you to completely topple over...it would make a much bigger mess and could cause more damage to everything - including the stuff that's growing, than if we took things a small step at a time and allowed you to breathe a little more.
t:  i'm beginning to see....
m:  but we won't start until you are ready....and i won't use a chainsaw or make blunt cuts to you.  i love you, tree.
t:  i love you too.  this is going to be hard.  what if i come crashing down?
m:  well, let's not worry about that for right now....yes, it will be hard, and it could get a little messy, but we can take our time and move as slowly or as quickly as you would like....even if it's one small branch at a time.  but we do need to move the bird house, soon, so let's not sit on this decision for too long, ok?
t:  ok....i'm embarrassed that i have become so bare.
m:  i know.  but i still love you and i think your brokenness is beautiful....hey, i have an idea, what if we used the dead branches we remove to make an art piece or something to commemorate the work you have been doing for so long?
t:  really?  we could do that?
m:  sure!  it would be my pleasure and i would be honored to do that with you....you have held on for so long.  i am so proud of you for the years you have put in...but it's time for you to flourish and you can't unless we begin exploring what you really have to give...what you were created to give.  besides, it was someone else that put the bird house and feeder and squirrel feeder on  you....you graciously accepted the nails, but it wasn't wholly your decision and at the same time you didn't refuse, either.
t:  yeah, but i like being useful.
m:  you won't lose that, i promise!  you will become even more useful and beautiful and you will bear so much fruit you might not know what to do with yourself!
t:  but what about the squirrels and birds???
m:  you don't have to let go of helping them out, but you also don't have to carry the weight all on your own.  and, by using what is growing, you will still be helping them out....in the meantime, let me worry about them...we will figure it out together, ok?
t:  ok...i'm still not completely convinced this is going to work....but i will try to trust.
m:  sounds good.  i love you, tree.
t:  i love you too....i need you to remind me a lot of this, especially when i feel completely stripped, ok?
m:  ok.  anything else you would like to tell me?
t:  i'm beginning to see the sky again and i feel like i can breathe, knowing you have my best interests at heart....
m:  good...keep breathing.  we will need to do a lot of this in the upcoming months....but i won't leave you.
t:  thank you.
m:  you're welcome.