Currently Listening Here I Stand By Usher see related

i don't quite understand you.

love vs. fear

Currently Reading The Girls' Guide to Hunting and Fishing By Melissa Bank see related

i was talking to my brother tonight about some memories at school that i miss. mostly about time spent with people that i know was well-spent time. i guess they mean so much because i don't feel like much of my time is well-spent really. im pretty selfish about what i do and when i want to do it and how long it will take me. i dont mind wasting a day away. in fact, i did that on this day.  im still in new orleans and all i did was lay around, read, and nap. i dreamed some dreams though. they were QUITE interesting to say the least.  i couldn't have written better ones myself i don't think. its funny how the mind works.  im pretty sure the dreams somehow line up with my heart...in a weird twisted way. lets just say john mayer came to church camp in one of them. hahaaa.

anyhow, i loved this book i just finished. its fiction and i got it for $1 at half-price books. i learned so much from it, and its not a christian or self-help novel! whaddya know!? sorry.  but really its about a girl and relationshps she's involved in over a few years span of time.  the thoughts are so fragmented but real and its got great insight into the mind of this thirtysomething year old woman who really still hasn't got life or love or any of that stuff figured out.  its scary kind of because somehow i think by a certain age things will start making sense maybe? kinda like how when i was 12 i thought i oooobviously wouldn't be scared of shots anymore once i was 21. but i have still not grown out of that fear and i guess i never will.  so maybe the fear of being alone isn't one i grow out of either. huh.

i feel dumb for thinking about the same things over and over. if i were to be honest, there are a few things that consume my thoughts most of the time.  this bothers me.  i sat down tonight in front of the tv and the news was on. i realized i don't know at all about whats going on in the world right now.  i have been so self-absorbed lately that i haven't cared.  this is awful.  i need to get outside myself on a regular basis.  i think a lot of humility would come this way. i could use humility.

we were driving around new orleans today on our way to some place to get some famous dessert and i was just looking out the window of our rental car.  i had my ipod headphones turned up so that i couldn't hear what my family was talking about around me because frankly i didn't care.  it was one of those selfish times again.  i just watched people.  i love to watch people and wonder about them.  i can't believe that some days i expect the world to revolve around me.  it blows my mind to think about all the people whose lives i have no idea about.  whose faces i might see once but never again.  that is just crazy and sad and marvelous at the same time.  another lesson in humility. everything down here is so vastly different than my life in suburbia.  i guess im lucky you could say. lucky that i get to see this great city 3 times a year.  it reminds me how big our world is, even inside the same country.

i guess if we really sit down and think, we could learn at least one thing new every day. if we were intentional about it i mean. and i think we should be. why be alive a day without gaining something new? we don't have that much time really, when you think about it. and there is so much to learn.

Currently Listening Room for Squares By John Mayer see related

for alicia.

its scary to think that all you've ever known is not all you'll ever know. and someday you might find that all that you've been told and all you've ever thought is far from what you really believe to be true now. and thats kind of where im at.  as christians we've been fed a lot of lines. they all sound the same after awhile don't they?  there are a lot of do's and don'ts whether we want to admit it or not. theres a straight and narrow path that we dare not venture from for fear of the eternal consequences.  somehow, we believe that to follow Jesus means to limit our living. but oh how UNTRUE that is! what a terrible thought! that we would be created for this life to simply get by and do what is "right" or "good"... but what IS "right" or "good" anyway?! oh my goodness folks. this is stuff i've been chewing on.

and let me say there is not ONE formula.  those of you who look at the actions of others and judge them based on what you believe to be true make me want to throw up. actually, you make me want to do exactly what you think is "wrong" to be honest.  i've heard some christians say we need to be INtolerant.  please let me know what you think it looks like to love someone.  probably that you let them know what YOU think needs to change, huh?  but who are you to say this? why not instead love like Christ and love that person right wherever he/she is.  whether that be in a bar or in a relationship you don't approve of or with a different political belief.  show love. show grace. show kindness.  share your opinion but don't be surprised if theirs doesn't change.  and be okay with that. be able to live with yourself knowing you didn't change their mind or actions.  know that maybe you're the only "Christian" to ever show them love in this way.  which in essence means you're the closest to Jesus they've ever met. this alone puts my heart at rest even if that person continues on their way making the same decisions as before. hey, because maybe im the one with the "wrong" answer after all.

this hymn runs through my head quite often...

"make me a servant, humble and meek. Lord, let me lift up those who are weak. and may the prayer of my heart always be...make me a servant, make me a servant, make me a servant, today."

please Lord, let my pride fall down daily. i am no better than any of Your children.