sorry ive been gone so long. i guese i just dont need xanga anymore. its served its purpose and now its over.

im gonna live.

the need to throw myself out of windows and off of horses is gone.

i have a lover. an i mean it when i say "i love you " to him.

ive never meant it ever before.

i can breath.

im no longer comfy in the closet

ive developed a need for light and wide open spaces.

im not gonna hide ever again.

im not gonna throw it in peoples faces, but im not gonna lie, and im not gonna be scared.

wait screw what i just said i will be scared scared as hell.... but life, love and brian are totaly worth every minute of being scared shitless.

because im a dramatic fool i leave you with some random qoute i found... it reminded me of brian.

"An eternity in hell, just to be loved by you for a moment..."

sorry bout that.

anyways his dad said that my parents had come by and demanded me back so he said they were waiting at his house for him to come and get us from whereever we were.

so we followed him back to brians house and i basically sat in the car fo r ten minutes before i finally decied to get out and just take what was coming to me.. whatever the hell that was cause right then i didnt know what the fuck would happen.

so we went inside and there are my parents sitting there on the coach, and its real obvious my mom has been crying cause shes all weepy looking and her eyes are red.

and thats when i started to cry too. i didnt know what else to do. i just sat on the coach and cried.

and then my dad says "sorry about your computer"

i still think to this day my mom made him say it.

we all just sat there really akwardly, and then brian whom is clearly upset but not crying goes, "i wont stop seeing him, i just want to say that before the conversation even begins, i sware on my life we will leave and not come back". which was exactly what we had agreed upon, even though we both knew we couldnt stop whatever was going to happen, but it was what we needed at the time.

so we sat there and talked for a really long time, and i wont right the conversation but ill give you a list of the main points.

- me and brian are allowed to keep seeing each other

- no more sleepovers in the same room

- are curfew is midnight

- no more running away (i thought this one was funny)

- my parents do not want to see us making out, but we are allowed to do so. (honestly who makes out in front of there parents!)

- no sex. >>> (which i thought was absolutly ludicrus considering my sis lost here virginty at 14, which is why it changed to... {see below}) 

- we dont want to know about it. (i love my life right now)

so yeah now its almost a month later and my life has changed alot.

we are out now, completly!

everybody knows.

which has not been alot of fun.

but last week as a joke we were nominated for cuteset couple of our grade, and today they announced that we tied with another couple, so were both going in the yearbook.

but some parents raised hell anyways said it was inapropriate, but the school cant discrimanate so were going in the year book!

im so excited!!!

yeah but other stuff has happened but i got to go i love you all!

but you most of all Brian!!!!

(yeah i know it was cheesy)

sorry i took so long but everything has just been moving so fast.

i had to get another computer after my last post, cause my dad threw my old one out the window. yeah you read that right, he threw it out the window.

i left my xanga up, and he read it and when i got home he actually threw it out the window.

alots happened since my last post.

so be prepared this will be long.

when i came home and came up to my room he was just sittine there staring out the window. i have a big window with a little like window seat on it. when i saw my xanga up on the computer i just knew he had read it. and then he goes.

"what were you thinking, how oculd you do this to me and your mother"

and then i just ran, as i was leaving the front door and walking down the driveway i heard a really big crash. and there was my monitar about five feet from me in big chunks. i screamed like a little girl when it crashed down , which probably didnt help my case at all.

so i just ran.

i didnt even really register anything at all for like the next hour i dont think, because i was just sitting there in the park when brian came and found me and said that when he came by to hang out my dad had screamed at him to go the fuck away.

yeah that felt real nice, to have your dad yell at your boyfriend.

so we just sat there, and we swung on the swings for a really long time, it was really dark when i woke up. sprawled on the ground under the swings with brian holding onto me. i didnt even rember falling asleep. but right then the only thing i could think about was i hadnt cried yet.

and so i cried. i just sat there and cried.

which woke brian up.

he called his dad and said he couldnt bring me there because my dad would know i was there, but that he wasnt gonna leave me by myself.

so his dad did the unthinkable and actually called a motel on the highway for us to stay at and put it on his charge card.

i dont think ive ever had more respect for any adult in my whole life.

of course when we got there it was a two bed room, but we just cuddled on one bed anyways. which i felt a little bad about since his dad had obviously not wanted us to sleep in the same bed cause he had ordered two, but i did it anyways.

at like 6 in the morning my phone rang and woke us up and it was my mom.

she asked where i was but i wouldnt tell till she calmed dad down. and then she got all mad and started saying she didnt know and how stupid a thing this was to do. so i hung up on her.

i hung up on my mom, something i had never done before.

so we stayed and later that day his dad came by and said

shit i got to go parents are coming got to hide bye

Im so sorry for diseapering like that everybody, its just amazing here.

my life has completly changed.

more people know about me and brian now.

but not everyone reacted well. rember my best friend, the one i had a crush who is now dating my sister. yeah well he wont even look at me now.

and it hurts. alot.

but i talked to brian about it and he says that crushes like that will come and go but true friends and lovers will always stay.

its so clished and chessy. i know, trust me im living it.

me and brian dont go to church anymore, and my parents i think are starting to wonder. my mother especially. im just wondering what would happen if they found out, i just dont want them to hate me.

please god dont let them hate me.

me and brian have escalated are relationship a little. im constantly spending the night over there, but we have yet to take more then our shirts off. we just want to go slow, and last night was amazing.

im suprised his dad lets us stay in his room now, providing we leave the door open of course. i think he just understands what its like to be a teenager.

i've never been in love before, but i think this might be it. he makes me want to keep moving, and hes my reason for geting up in the morning... is that love?

anyways thoug back to last night, we only made out for a little bit. and then we just layed there and talked, and we fell asleep without our shirts on and it felt nice to have his skin on my skin, it felt right.

but lately the only messages the outside world has been sending me is that we are wrong, that were sinners, that we are going to hell.

but i dont care, i dont belive in organized religion, but i belive that there something out there watching out for me.

and i know that whatever it is loves me and loves brian too.

i just dont know how much longer i can deal with people who dont think that, and tell me im going to hell. i feel like its just to much and im gonna snap.

the closet is no longer comfy for me, and i want out.