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| Here's a poem that I wrote last year, I think in January, through the period when we were practicing for the Pirates of Penzance play. I was in the back of the Hillmans' van, mostly stuck at the old 4th circle light: my soul, craft in stagnant air nowhere going, Waiting silent without flair wondering, plodding like a car in traffic slow hatred, love Emotion level low Waiting for? Awaiting command by another There. It was only a stanza or so. It didn't seem to go anywhere. But that's how I was feeling, a brief glimpse into my emotions of my past. And it may look like there are some poetic mistakes, like not capitalizing the beginnings and stuff, but I knew, and that was deliberate. It was how I felt. I do that a lot, I do things based on feeling, a lot. How I walk and the path I take, the words I chose, the way I eat, even. I pretty much totally forgot about this poem (but not about certain feelings or the stuff I was going through at the time or anything). Then last week I flipped through my notebook and it popped back out at me. As you can probably see, it was written in pain and depression and discontent. Which lends to more emotion and feeling in art, but it's still there. I'm not feeling that stuff anymore, rest assured all. I think that it's a pretty good poem, though, short as it is. I think I managed to capture some of my emotion through it pretty well. But often enough still, I have trouble keeping hope in mind and heart. Where are we going again? What's God got in store for me, us? What about when all this stuff falls apart and falls away? Why should we help other people? What do we tell them? But now, while it's in mind, I'll say that God has very good things in store for us, if we stick by Him like a little kid to their Dad. The more we entrust to God, the more will come back to us. He is where our hope, He is our Savior, our Deliverer, our Salvation. We all need help, from God, through others, but we have a lot to offer others to, just by living with hope. It's so hard though. God help us! | | |
| Hey Everyone! Alright, I haven't updated in a while, and a lot of things have happened that I could write, could've written, about, but here is something more important. My brother and I just had the longest theological arguement I've ever been in. We spent more than and hour and a half, I think, just talking to the dukaanji (small-store owner) and two kids who hang around, talking about our faith. It started with about getting into Heaven, and we went over things like Jesus and stuff. We've gone down and talked quite a few times, not much to buy stuff from the dukaan, but to talk/listen, trying to learn a little bit of arabic and make friends. I've gotten into a few arguments (arguing points, not getting mad and in a fight), but mostly haven't spent much time around. Tonight, though, I knew I couldn't leave early. I argued as long as it took. I ended up one on one, basically, with a 13-year old kid, and what he brought up. He seemed really interested. Eventually, he had to go. There will be more, though. It will continue So my brother and I have been through a battle together, and were not defeated. God, Jesus, was with us, surely. It's interesting, I find it a lot easier to discuss spiritual things in arabic. Maybe because I'm already on the edge, being pushed to speak in a language I don't really know. And we did have to revert to English often enough. Also, when you are arguing your faith, and you are forced to use simple, improvised words and terms, you see things in a new way. The more you fight, the more you must be committed (or is it the other way around? the more you're committed...). Anyway, this has and will pushed us boys together, and we must be more united, and have to learn more terms and vocabulary and work more on our arabic in general. But guys, please pray for us. Pray for them. They're the objective, not the enemy. One guy especially seemed interested in how we can get to Heaven with assurance of our arrival: hope. Another, the kid, actually wanted to get his hands on and read an Injiil (though he would ask me for one). If you're around and know what I'm talking about here, feel free to talk to me about this when you see me next, if you can help. I'd be interested (or should be) to here anything like, of you're experiences (i.e., Luke). We're all on the same side here, right? ok, sorry for the slightly uncomfortable length of this article, but hopefully I got across what needed to be. | | |
| Another week going on. I wonder what I'll do throughout my life. It's gotta get more exciting than anything I've ever experienced, but time to relax is good every now and again. I've had a little tough times between my dad and me. But last night I took a half an hour or so with him and walked and thought, and I finally got to a conclusion. I figured out some differences between us, how we're different. I'm more like my mom than him. I felt like I figured out a puzzle, and riddle. It felt good. I've been feeling more free since, free in speech, in what to say to my family. This world is so confusing, and misleading. There is truth, there is God. But there are so many different people out there, it's hard, impossible, to understand everyone. And watching others, it doesn't always seem like the world is the way I think it is, or thought it was, or think it's supposed to be. And the way I am, I don't like to repremand people, and I naturally look to others to show me what to do, to lead me. I've learnt to not care so much what others think or do, but it's still confusing. God should be the only one that idolize and look to totally for everything. I should respect others, especially authority and those close to me, but God should be the One Absolute. Hoping and praying everyone's doing well. later | | |
| We just had a great holiday. Camping in Ajloun with the boy scouts, taking a PSAT (I know, doesn't really qualify as great, but you know), then going to Gilead (basically the same place as Ajloun) with a bunch of other families, like the Mafraq people, Mannings, others. It was fun. Happy Birthday MaryAnn and Phil! Overall, PSAT's were intensely mental racking, but everything else besides chilling and watching movies was intensely physical, some of it very much so. Like playing ultimate frisbee (my team was the best!), mission impossible, more u.f., paintball (dido), and football (aaah... my team was good. jk jk). Everything was fun. I got a bunch of welts, but I didn't get very sore. I'm so buff! lol. Anyway, had to come back from G. a little early so I could make it to my young-men's discussion group. I stop at home to shower (I was filthy) and re-dress, and got there an hour late, but so was Nathan, and only 2 of the other guys were there anyway. I was so tired I started zoning out throughout! But we had a meal and that was really good, and I returned to earth, and could think easier and stuff. The next day, near the end, was sort of a family day, so we remembered the summer day by day, which actually didn't seem all that long, and then we watched a movie together. It was good. Then yesterday we went visiting Iraqi families, and one right near the Marka airport, and Sarah and I went to look and the helicopters, and got taken into the office and questioned and had to wait for the major and answer some more questions, and it was kind of scary, but I wasn't too worried. In the end, we came out just in time to leave with our parents, got some chocolate, made some friends, and even got offered a tour of the airport! It might've been joking or just to calm us down, but even so! Wish we'da had more time! But we left and had some great arab food, and it was ok. Today at school was fine, and good, without much homework, and life goes on. God help us, on we go. c'y'all later! | | |
| Alright...Budapest. Was great, if I remember right. jk jk, of course it was. It was so green! It was so nice to have the forest all around, to have little trails and stuff. And to have a huge grass field surrounded by woods. And my group... was great. They made my day a couple times, and other times I'd rather not have seen them the whole. Well, we did have great times, but sometimes, to be honest, I felt like we were from different worlds. I mean, we are, all our own tck culures, but, like, I couldn't understand them or relate to them sometimes. Not to their discredit or anything...they were all cool...but we didn't, don't, click all the time. But then, we did have some great times together. The people we met...I think we all made some good friends, even Sami Nuqul. He was even going to trade his card, except the other person lost his! Not even Phil traded his card! (People were encouraged to trade name/i.d. cards/tags with s/o special. I traded mine with a Romanian in my discussion group who didn't speak fluent english even. And a kid from Spain left me his card when he left) And some Americans, I think, got Sami all hyped through ultimate frisbee and soccer, it was so cool. I had my small discussion group, but only me and this other American Hungary-tck spoke perfect English, so it was kind of quiet. We did most of the talking, and I don't think we got as much out of the group as some others, but it was ok. I got along best with people who I would just randomly meet. Some people who had been in a workshop with me or I happened to join for a meal. Some of them I found that I enjoyed being around more than others that I was sometimes set with. The group from Spain I had an especially good time with. It started kindof slow, until I was stuck in the eternal lunch-line with them, and had a great time right there. And know what? I got a nickname from them really quick. One of the girls got tongue-tied with my name, so then just started calling me "JJ"! It was so cool, it made me feel really special. I've been trying to deal with this Josh-issue, trying to distinguish between me and Kurly, but not many people listen. I don't really like my name all that much. It's so common. And there I got something special. Anyway, it felt really cool. Then after the conference was over, some others from my group and I went with Spain and toured around with them for the last day. It was really fun to be with them, and each other. We got kindof tired walking and stuff, though. And some of the guys and I (and Sami and I, later) would challenge each other and hang from the bus and sub-way handles stop to stop. It was tough, our hands would hurt a bit. And we'd run up the immobile escelators that were about 3 stories straight. That was tough too. Sami and I were real men the next day and walked up, which is actually tougher than running with big steps, carrying our bags. Actually, Sami carried Maida's bag. It was fun. Anyway, I learned a lot while we were there, about myself and other people. About life and about God. I had some tough experiences, but I grew through them, and they allowed other people to get to know me better. Anyway, again, I had a SUPER time, and I loved the whole thing, and I could go on and on and write a book on my experiences, but then I'd have to charge money for you guys reading this. And you might get bored. | | |
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