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Thursday, September 11, 2008

Saturday, September 06, 2008

  • Alone To Appreciate

    It is such a beautiful night. It had started raining in the day and by now, sky as dark as ever, it has calmed down to a slow drizzle. When I look outside, I see the trees dancing softly, as though refreshed from their day long bath. The air is clean, and the wind, sweet to the smell and would surely lift a spirit, no matter how down it was.

    I feel contempt.

    I thought it would be nice for me to note it down, the time I am contempt, for of late, I have anything but that.

    I have the place to myself tonight. I convinced Rums to take Yish out to a local play centre, not to get the place to myself, but due to a sinus attack that has lasted the entire day, I am out and haven't the energy to go with them. Yish wanted so bad to spend his Saturday nights as he has grown accustomed to... doing something other than sitting at home.

    So they left and I sat, propped up against the couch, for the attack took much more out of me than I had wanted. Somewhere while mindlessly swimming through the channels on the telly, I came across one of those simple dramas on Hallmark. It was the classic whodunit, something that these fast pace days, wouldn't stand a chance against the usual blockbuster heart pounders.

    It reminded me of those days when during the school holidays, father would take me to the local library and I would take home handful of mystery whodunit books, to fill my free days. I also remember that during that time, I was more contempt when I was alone reading them in the conforts of my room. What's so wrong with being alone anyway? I can't remember the last time that I was. I hear of people, complaining that they had no one to be with and nothing to do. They feared being alone. For me, being alone is the only time you can feel. You can stop everything, even time, and actually allow your thoughts to engulf you. The human tendency would be to wallow in the bad as we hardly wallow in the good. If you allow your mind to take off itself all those mundane, the leftover, little happy things I like to call it, can fill you with infinite bliss.

    As I watched the mystery, I glanced upon father's framed photo on the opposite wall. He seemed to be looking right at me, speaking to me subconciously. It was a while since I glanced at him. The gesture brings about a sadness in my heart which is normal I suppose. But tonight, I didn't feel that. I felt that he is happy now and he has taught me well. He would have wanted me to move on, as he has. I forget that I should make an example of his life. There are those that hurt me but as long as I realise that you are born alone and die alone, I will be ok. I realise that no one will ever come as close to knowing me than him. I also realise, that whatever little time we spent together, was more deep and meaningful than any amounts of time I can spend with just about anyone who is apart of my life right now. This also makes me realise that you don't really need to meet all the people you think who can do this for you. If you are lucky, you get to meet just one. One is all you need. One that will leave you with memories to last a lifetime. One that will show you the way once and have you discover the way each and everytime, even though that one is not there to show it to you.

    Every little thing, reminds me of him, for he was not only my father but my teacher. He taught me things I could never learn from books.

    He taught me to think, to feel. I believe, this, sets me apart from the usual.

    I can't remember the last time I looked at the trees and felt I could understand them. Though they stand nailed to the ground, everytime the wind blows, it feels like they are in flight. I am no different. My life takes control of me more than I want it to, but, if I will it, I too, can take flight. That is something I have to remind myself.

    My alone time didn't last long. Yish and Rums came back with dinner and a movie. It's a fast-paced movie, like the ones that they like to watch. As usual, they insist I watch too.

    But I had my alone time, whatever lttle of it and I am contempt.

Tuesday, August 12, 2008

  • Nice guys finish last.

    Have you heard of this statement before?
    Have you pondered on it?

    If karma is suppose to reward and if good karma is especially rewarding, why do you think such a statement came about?

    Is it because that the reality of it is that there is no pot of gold at the end of the rainbow, that even though a good deed deserves another, it may seldom actually receive so?

    I understand that I have been nice.

    I’ve checked books, checked with my motor-mouth of a conscience and even some feel-good movies on the idiot box. All of these suggest that whatever I have thought and done is within the category of being nice. I never say things to hurt others (maybe thought it but never tell it out loud), I try to maintain my manners and I do relatively what is required of me which is akin to being responsible.

    Yet, I receive blow after blow and well, judging from past history, will soon be receiving more blows no matter how much my mortal soul can take.

    So what in blazes am I doing wrong here?

    Have I stolen? No… and never in a million years.
    Have I been honest? … Besides a white lie or two, yes
    Have I been respectful? Every FRICKIN time
    Have I been considerate? Do you see any heads roll? If No, then Yes, I have
    Have I behaved? Having encaged the raving lunatic in me for several years now, yes, I behave.

    So, the universe has just plain given up on me.

    It says “To hell with you and your prim-and-properness… I’m gonna screw you anyway and why? FOR THE HECK OF IT”

    Sure, I can take two and sleep on it but little help that will do.

    Kaliyuga is upon us people. Yes, fo shizzle.
    Take it from someone who gets screwed by it everyday.

Monday, June 23, 2008

  • This Used To Be My Playground....

    It’s sad when you had just a fever for something in the past, and then in time, the fever finally got ‘better’ and you gave up that thing in the past.

    Some fevers should never clear.

    Such is the state of this blog. Empty and abandoned. I know only 2 souls visit here.. Joe and Grey. Why do you do it? Why do you come back when it is so apparent I am no longer here? Actually, I am still around… but somehow, I no longer feel the need to splatter the cosmos of the net with my words. Or do I?

    Just a few days ago, I was visiting a place. I can’t remember where now. All I know is, it struck me how in the past I would have related the entire incident in this blog. But now, my words seem to have lost its spark. There is no rush of blood to the head. There is no mad scramble to mentally dictate what would later on materialize in this blog. There was only calm and reminisce.

    I cannot say that life is so settled that I am in a full state of nirvana. Far from it. It’s been the same Ups and Downs since the time I realized that life has Ups and Downs.

    Maybe I am a little centered now. I can let the Ups and Downs whiz past me and not let it suck me in.

    Whatever the case, I wonder if I should continue… writing that is. Writing for whom, I ask sometimes. For my son? For there may be a time where he would want to go to a place where he can find a piece of me, if and when the whole of me no longer exists?

    I know that feeling. I search for father too. Everyday. It angers me that he left me no words of his own. All he left me were some quotes, some books and a whole lot of memories. To the extent that I would spend a couple of hundred bucks to turn my VHS tapes to CD’s (for no longer can you find the VHS tape players, at least not that easily), so that I can watch him.

    But I cannot blame him. He never wanted to leave.

    Me on the other hand… well, I do expect to leave, when my time comes. My son would be grown by then. If he is anything like me, he would yearn. He would yearn the few fragments of reality that would no longer exist between us.

    Would he find it comforting to read me?

    Or would he become one of those millions of blank faces, brushing past us like lemmings… oblivious to the world around them, except their own? Oblivious to the past, the future… but only apparent present? No, I wouldn’t want that. I would want him to FEEL. To look inside before he looks out.

    I can ask…

    So tell me. At times I feel like this blog hangs on to me like a dead goose. Something I should put to pasture and probably start another? Pre-Dad’s Flight and Post-Dad-Flight?

Thursday, May 15, 2008

  • My Walk to GOD

    In this day and age, finding spirituality is fast becoming something of an impossible task. Simply, people today, have neither the inclination nor the patience to exude humbleness that would ultimately bring one closer to God.

    This is my journey, which has begun and I want to share it here.

    Years before, I acknowledged God but I was on the fence as to whether he really existed. I found myself plunging deeper and deeper into depression and a sense of loss. I didn’t know why. All I knew was that there was something missing, when it had seemed I had it all.

    My parents told me that I needed to pray and I would find peace. I would attend temple, yet, it didn’t feel peaceful and I felt I left as empty handed as I came.

    There was one thing I believed that I should ask God and it was this that I had asked each and every time I prayed. It was “Please guide us Dear Lord. Help us to find our true path and purpose of our birth, this time on Earth and help us to fight temptation and rise above our superficiality”. Anything more than that, would be just plain greedy.

    But whether I prayed wholeheartedly, was definitely in question.

    After father passed away, I was left no better. Inner turmoil, questions, sense of loss and depression only intensified.

    It was a sheer divine intervention that brought me out of my misery.

    The story had begun a year ago, just fresh when Father was diagnosed to be dying. My brother in law and family was informed of a holy man, who was also a healer. He was going through a bad time at that moment, both financially and health wise and so he decided to bring his entire family to visit this man. This holy person stayed only a stone’s throw away from our home and my brother in law made frequent visits as he was able to stay at our home. This holy man, whom I know now as Uncle, only conducted prayers from 7pm to 4am. He would start prayers and finish around 12midningt, upon which healing would take place.

    Never in my mind I didn’t I feel like seeing him though my in-laws not only told but showed me how they benefited from him. I didn’t believe in him. I didn’t believe he could help Father but I suppose that’s the course that God wanted me to take. To fully come face to face to my troubles, I would have to undergo the pain of loosing my Father and eventually plunge deep into despair, only to be dragged out into light by Uncle.

    Several months after Fathers passing, my in-laws came again, to pay Uncle their respects. My brother in law, having ended his financial drought and back in gear health wise, wanted to see Uncle and receive his blessings. They didn’t have much time and for some reason, I decided to follow just for the ride.

    That night, something changed in me. When I stood at the altar, after seeing Uncle perform his prayers, he turned to each one of us and asked us questions. When it came to me, he looked me deep into the eye and I felt a sensation like he was looking deep into my soul. He asked me ‘Do you believe in God?” I couldn’t lie. I told him “I think so” and smiled. He then laughed his belly laugh and said “If you keep on thinking, then God will let you think on” He asked me if I had any ailments, and though I never intended to go there for any healing, I found myself telling him anyway. He asked me to come for 3 days following my first visit. Each visit started at 10pm and ended at 3am. His healing was simple, he used burning camphor and vibhuti (sacred ash) and he ‘talked’ to the Gods. More importantly, during the 3 days and time we spent with him, he talked, like a father to us. He was jovial (maybe even Santa like) and he told us many stories. He was humble, he never asked us for a single cent (but we left some anyway) and he asked us to join him for dinner almost everyday. “Come, share my food with me” he would say and wouldn’t take no for an answer.

    When my 3 days was over, he had only one request. That Rums and I come, every Friday to his home and help him with prayers. He was old and though he had helped many people, they turned their backs on him when their problems were solved. He was devoted to having the special Friday prayers, each week and took too long to do it all alone.

    Since then, Ramesh, Yish and I have been frequent visitors. We help him clean the altar, place fresh flowers and bathe the deities in milk and water. We wait our turn to be blessed and stand with him when he blesses the others. No matter how tired we were from the day, we would feel all fresh and energetic when we went to Uncle’s house.

    But, the personal change in me is this.

    I spoke to him one day. Opened up and he saw right through me. I do not know what he did, but he lifted my despair. I felt free, alive and no longer burdened for some reason. Both Rums and I felt rejuvenated and a sense of immense happiness. We found the weekly duty of doing things for him, for God, to be a blessing. It was humbling and truly uplifting.

    Uncle told me to focus on Ganesha, his God of choice. I cannot explain it, but I felt ‘His’ presence that night. There was a particular picture of him, amidst the many that Uncle had placed all over his house. For some reason, I always feel like He is looking into me. Once, I even distinctively saw His eyes move. Like I said, I cannot describe it. The others see it too. Then there are times that Uncle knows exactly what I’m thinking and even mentioned it to me a few times. He is genuine my heart tells me and he has single-handedly saved me.

    My days are not so empty nowadays. I feel happiness like I have never felt before. I have found a balance to life and as I understand it now, it starts with prayer.

    Honesty, trust, humbleness and gratitude.

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