| all good things come to an end...........well guys, i know i've said it before, joel and i broke up...........but unfortunately its not like the times ive said it before.......... we officially broke up, for good, last night. he told me a lot of things but one thing stood out the most, he said he doesnt need someone like me in his life.........i dont really understand what he means...he explained it last night but i dont get it, im not going to trash talk him or anything because im so confused,stressed, upset, lost and hurt because thats just not what i feel is the right thing to do right now..... the thing is, is that when i was with him i felt needed like i had a purpose and it was to help him get through everything he has to go through, that he needed me to be strong for him when times where hard, for once in my life when a situation that i was apart of was bad or hard i was the one who was strong and telling them itll be ok, itll all work out, no matter what im gonna be here. i think one of the things im going to miss the most is the fact that, im not needed anymore, that no one depends on me or relys on me for help and comfort, the feeling that i made a difference in someones life when they needed help. i know people say this all the time but, ive never experienced something like him and i had(have), and thats why i think im taking this so hard because i was with him for SO long (almost 9months)....he was all i knew..everything i did i made sure nothing bad would come to us from doing it.....every decision i made what based around us....i have never hurt like this before, i have never cried like this before, it wasnt a normal cry either.....amanda and bri told me they had never heard a cry like that before, they heard the hurt in it. for once i thought that someone liked/loved me for me, like nothing i did was wrong, like everything i did was perfect, like i didnt need to hide behind an image that i felt i needed to portray for someone to like me.....but im finding out now that i was wrong...i didnt be someone else ever, i just wasnt ALL of me the whole time, he fell out of love with ALL of me.but still loves half of who i am.......its teaching me that maybe i shouldnt be all of who i am, maybe no one wants to know all of me, just to give them half of me and not al of me. i guess i just have to let it go, im not going to be with him anymore, im going to have to wake up in the morning knowing hes not in my life like that anymore, that things are SO different now, that no matter how much i thought i was hurting when we fought or anything has no comparison to the hurt i feel now and am going to have to feel from now on. the thing im going to miss most is, i dont care how cliche this is but.....everything we felt and were about....... |
