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| Yesterday I went out with some friends. Along the way I saw quite a few other friends and somewhere in the midst of it all, I learned something helpful. I learned that maybe the thing we should strive to do best in life is also one of the hardest. I learned while listening that giving honest self evaluation, along with being one of the hardest things to do, is also one of the most valuable things we can do.
Being at camp by my self gives me plenty of time to reflect on thoughts I have throughout the day. This is a good example.
The reason this came up is because I was listening to a friend talk about a mutual friend of ours. She yammered on about how the person had wronged her and others. While the claims she was making were well-founded if true, I found quite a bit interesting. In some instances the person was chastised about not caring enough. In other moments, being too involved was her issue. Now, I'm not here to say it can't happen that way' it certainly can. What I am saying is that in instances so similar you can't be upset about over-involvement on one hand and under-involvement on the other.
What it boils down to is this: if you can't judge your own actions fairly and honestly, you can't be a fair judge of anyone else's actions.Now, of course, this is all within reason. It's hard to believe anyone has perfect judgment, especially in regards to oneself. Typically we lean to one side or the other (too lenient or too harsh) in regards to ourselves depending on the nature of the action or quality.
I guess it's less that you have to be perfect in regards to your own self judgment but more that you need to be reasonable. It's one thing to be extra critical of yourself. If nothing else, it allows you to be more critical of others because then you are holding them to the same standards as you hold yourself, no matter how unrealistic. The same thing goes for if you hold yourself to low standards; it's cool as long as everyone else is given the same free passes. The problem comes in when these two things don't jive. Specifically when you hold others to a higher level of expectations than you hold yourself.
It's the equivalent of saying "I'm so much better than you on principal that not only do you need to be on my level, you have to be better than me to be my equal." That drives me insane. And then to have the nerve to complain about how others don't live up to your standards (as friends/people/whatever/etc) when you yourself couldn't fulfill your own requirements. It boggles the mind.
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| Welcome BackI'm not sure that many people read my site in the first place but to any that did and are now back I say welcome. It's been quite a while since I've written anything on here. In fact, it's just short of a full calender year. In that time a lot has happened.
I worked more at camp and I love the place more and more every time I am back.
I graduated from John Carroll.
I applied to and was accepted at three graduate schools (Loyola Chicago, Toledo, and Akron) and as of now one is going to pay me money to go there.
I got a girlfriend (how did that happen?).
My grandmother died.
I started another blog (not about me).
I don't have much of a topic to write about at the moment but I knew that I wanted to restart this. I can't tell you why or if it will last but I just know it feels right. I learned the hard way that doing things that feel right is usually a good way to go if you trust your moral compass; and I do.
I've never fancied myself as much of a writer but I do enjoy doing it from time to time. There are a few requisites for me to write for my enjoyment. It needs to be meaningful, it needs to require thought, and it needs to be interesting. You'll never see my blog as daily trials and tribulations of my life. I'm not saying I won't write every day. I'm saying you won't see me writing about how I worked, then watched tv, then went to the mall today.
Now, if I see something interesting at one of those places; maybe you'll get something from me. If not, I'll see what I can do for tomorrow.
With camp coming up shortly, I should have a good amount to write about. We'll see. Until then, I think it's bed time.'Night all.
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| I think in the last 24 hours I've run almost the entire gamut of emotions. I know in general most people can look back on their lives when they are old and can point out defining moments. To this point I don't know that I could recognize one particular moment that's done that to me but I'd say that a series of events has led to a view I have on life. It certainly isn't concrete and it isn't completely formed but I'd say that I've learned life is pretty precious. And what we do with ours is the biggest thing any of us can ever be a part of.
It probably actually started when I was a senior in high school. That year we had a nearly fatal car crash and two fatal car crashes rock our collective student body. The summer after graduation produced another car crash, a close friend of mine who had made the decision not to drive home drunk was involved. He called an adult who drove to pick him up, on the way home they were in an accident. Single car with a telephone pole. My friend died. The man driving escaped relatively unharmed. He blew nearly 3 times the legal limit for driving under the influence. They hit the pole at 130 mph. Seeing how well his parents/family and friends coped during the wake and the funeral spoke volumes. What my friend had done with his life made it easier on the people who were hurt by his passing because they knew what he had done with his life was good. They knew that he had cherished his time and without sounding too cliche, he lived life to the fullest. He loved and is loved. He is missed.
As a sophomore at John Carroll I came to realize the pain of a loved one passing more closely than before. My roommate's grandmother had passed. He was close with her. Closer than I am with any of my extended family. She lived with him. He turned down a spring break trip in the south to spend it with her. She passed just a week or two before the trip. He hadn't got to see her. But he loved her. The way he spoke of her, I'm sure she knew. It didn't make it easier on him.
Junior year started a new chapter in the growth of this idea. One night I received what seemed to be an innocent call from my mom. She told me my uncle, her brother, was in a coma. My entire life I had known him as somewhat disabled. I don't remember ever seeing him without some sort of walking aide to help ease the pain of his MS. I also can't recall a time when he couldn't make me smile. He is still one of, if not the smartest man I ever knew. His IQ was once tested at over 140; genius level. His whole life, he worked at a Jeep plant; not because it was best for him, or his top choice. It was best for those around him. In the last couple months of his life, things got progressively worse for my Uncle Tom. With MS progressively taking control of his body, his mobility was severely limited. Treatments for the MS eventually led to Leukemia. What put him in the hospital for good was a stroke, something caused by the medicine he was on for the Leukemia. While in the hospital he had a massive heart attack, he survived but was left in a persistent vegetative state. When my mom called she had told me if he didn't improve she and most of her sisters, along with my Uncle Tom's wife, had agreed they would remove life support. After a couple days my mom called to tell me they had made the decision and that it was time, but in doing so they talked not about death and the ending of a life, but rather celebrated the life my uncle Tom had lived. My uncle never really seemed to doubt his eventual passing but in doing so he had set some goals. He wanted to hold his first grandchild and walk both of his daughter's down the aisle. He accomplished both, the second being more trying, but with hands firmly planted on each side of his walker he made sure both of my cousin's made it down the aisle with him at their side, with a smile on his face. My uncle Tom got to accomplish his goals, as pained as I'm sure they made him, he did it and that's a lot better than most people.
Last night I watched Extreme Makeover Home Edition, and I hope this doesn't cheapen my experiences in your eyes but it really got to me. The story was about a man who had worked trying to build a better life for his family. He was diagnosed around age 40 with a form of skin cancer. Four months later he passed. But in a town of a few thousand people, 17,000 people showed up to usher his family in to their new house. I think that more than the house inspired the homeowners. And while it was touching to them, I don't think they were surprised. They knew what kind of a person their husband/father was and they knew that he loved and was loved. The pain of him not being around was obvious in all of them, but the happiness that his life was so celebrated was too.
That show coupled with today's happening in Blacksburg (Virginia Tech) made death become much more real to me. Combined they showed that death could be so quick, so unexpected. In all seriousness, even 4 months, it's so little time. Today's events made death more real than in any way I thought possible. Maybe it was partial naivety on my part when I was in High School or even over the course of the last few years but the mentality of "it can't happen to me" always prevailed. Not anymore. Not today. Not that I haven't joked about a Reo-rampage from time to time but not today. Maybe never again. Today seemed much to close to home to ever consider that "it won't happen to me." It was easier before. The other people made bad decisions or the other people were older. But that's just the thing. Other people don't exist. We're all in this together. What made a/some gunman/gunmen show up today at Virginia Tech; I haven't a clue, but it makes it possible. It makes all of these things applicable to me. It means they can happen now. It's scary.
From this here are a few thing I have learned: Don't sacrifice time with the people you love for anything. Don't waste your time with anger, especially over petty things. Show the people you love that you do. Do it often. Tell them they are loved. Make sure other's know that you know that you are loved. And love all the same.
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| Growing up, what does it really mean? When we are little we think of it as getting out "on our own." We think it's when it gets to be us verse the world. Is this true? I don't think so. If anything I have become more reliant on people for things.
In our younger years it is easy(ier) for us to jump from friends to friends and back again. As we get older, in general we begin to limit ourselves. I think this has been a negative move for me. In general this had made me more impulsive. I think that this has happened because rather than having variety from switching groups of friends, now I have to find a new way to create something interesting in my life.
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| I think I am more in love with the idea of love than I ever could be with another person. If that makes any sense at all.
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