crazymanpete's Xanga

Wednesday, April 30, 2008

Wed, 30 Apr 2008 05:07:10 GMT

Yesterday I went out with some friends. Along the way I saw quite a few other friends and somewhere in the midst of it all, I learned something helpful. I learned that maybe the thing we should strive to do best in life is also one of the hardest. I learned while listening that giving honest self evaluation, along with being one of the hardest things to do, is also one of the most valuable things we can do.

Being at camp by my self gives me plenty of time to reflect on thoughts I have throughout the day. This is a good example.

The reason this came up is because I was listening to a friend talk about a mutual friend of ours. She yammered on about how the person had wronged her and others. While the claims she was making were well-founded if true, I found quite a bit interesting. In some instances the person was chastised about not caring enough. In other moments, being too involved was her issue. Now, I'm not here to say it can't happen that way' it certainly can. What I am saying is that in instances so similar you can't be upset about over-involvement on one hand and under-involvement on the other.

What it boils down to is this: if you can't judge your own actions fairly and honestly, you can't be a fair judge of anyone else's actions.Now, of course, this is all within reason. It's hard to believe anyone has perfect judgment, especially in regards to oneself. Typically we lean to one side or the other (too lenient or too harsh) in regards to ourselves depending on the nature of the action or quality.

I guess it's less that you have to be perfect in regards to your own self judgment but more that you need to be reasonable. It's one thing to be extra critical of yourself. If nothing else, it allows you to be more critical of others because then you are holding them to the same standards as you hold yourself, no matter how unrealistic. The same thing goes for if you hold yourself to low standards; it's cool as long as everyone else is given the same free passes. The problem comes in when these two things don't jive. Specifically when you hold others to a higher level of expectations than you hold yourself.

It's the equivalent of saying "I'm so much better than you on principal that not only do you need to be on my level, you have to be better than me to be my equal." That drives me insane. And then to have the nerve to complain about how others don't live up to your standards (as friends/people/whatever/etc) when you yourself couldn't fulfill your own requirements. It boggles the mind.

Welcome Back

Wed, 23 Apr 2008 10:29:17 GMT

I'm not sure that many people read my site in the first place but to any that did and are now back I say welcome. It's been quite a while since I've written anything on here. In fact, it's just short of a full calender year. In that time a lot has happened.

I worked more at camp and I love the place more and more every time I am back.

I graduated from John Carroll.

I applied to and was accepted at three graduate schools (Loyola Chicago, Toledo, and Akron) and as of now one is going to pay me money to go there.

I got a girlfriend (how did that happen?).

My grandmother died.

I started another blog (not about me).

I don't have much of a topic to write about at the moment but I knew that I wanted to restart this. I can't tell you why or if it will last but I just know it feels right. I learned the hard way that doing things that feel right is usually a good way to go if you trust your moral compass; and I do.

I've never fancied myself as much of a writer but I do enjoy doing it from time to time. There are a few requisites for me to write for my enjoyment. It needs to be meaningful, it needs to require thought, and it needs to be interesting. You'll never see my blog as daily trials and tribulations of my life. I'm not saying I won't write every day. I'm saying you won't see me writing about how I worked, then watched tv, then went to the mall today.

Now, if I see something interesting at one of those places; maybe you'll get something from me. If not, I'll see what I can do for tomorrow.

With camp coming up shortly, I should have a good amount to write about. We'll see. Until then, I think it's bed time.'Night all.

Tuesday, April 17, 2007

Tue, 17 Apr 2007 04:47:40 GMT

I think in the last 24 hours I've run almost the entire gamut of emotions. I know in general most people can look back on their lives when they are old and can point out defining moments. To this point I don't know that I could recognize one particular moment that's done that to me but I'd say that a series of events has led to a view I have on life. It certainly isn't concrete and it isn't completely formed but I'd say that I've learned life is pretty precious. And what we do with ours is the biggest thing any of us can ever be a part of.

It probably actually started when I was a senior in high school. That year we had a nearly fatal car crash and two fatal car crashes rock our collective student body. The summer after graduation produced another car crash, a close friend of mine who had made the decision not to drive home drunk was involved. He called an adult who drove to pick him up, on the way home they were in an accident. Single car with a telephone pole. My friend died. The man driving escaped relatively unharmed. He blew nearly 3 times the legal limit for driving under the influence. They hit the pole at 130 mph. Seeing how well his parents/family and friends coped during the wake and the funeral spoke volumes. What my friend had done with his life made it easier on the people who were hurt by his passing because they knew what he had done with his life was good. They knew that he had cherished his time and without sounding too cliche, he lived life to the fullest. He loved and is loved. He is missed.

As a sophomore at John Carroll I came to realize the pain of a loved one passing more closely than before. My roommate's grandmother had passed. He was close with her. Closer than I am with any of my extended family. She lived with him. He turned down a spring break trip in the south to spend it with her. She passed just a week or two before the trip. He hadn't got to see her. But he loved her. The way he spoke of her, I'm sure she knew. It didn't make it easier on him.

Junior year started a new chapter in the growth of this idea. One night I received what seemed to be an innocent call from my mom. She told me my uncle, her brother, was in a coma. My entire life I had known him as somewhat disabled. I don't remember ever seeing him without some sort of walking aide to help ease the pain of his MS. I also can't recall a time when he couldn't make me smile. He is still one of, if not the smartest man I ever knew. His IQ was once tested at over 140; genius level. His whole life, he worked at a Jeep plant; not because it was best for him, or his top choice. It was best for those around him. In the last couple months of his life, things got progressively worse for my Uncle Tom. With MS progressively taking control of his body, his mobility was severely limited. Treatments for the MS eventually led to Leukemia. What put him in the hospital for good was a stroke, something caused by the medicine he was on for the Leukemia. While in the hospital he had a massive heart attack, he survived but was left in a persistent vegetative state. When my mom called she had told me if he didn't improve she and most of her sisters, along with my Uncle Tom's wife, had agreed they would remove life support. After a couple days my mom called to tell me they had made the decision and that it was time, but in doing so they talked not about death and the ending of a life, but rather celebrated the life my uncle Tom had lived. My uncle never really seemed to doubt his eventual passing but in doing so he had set some goals. He wanted to hold his first grandchild and walk both of his daughter's down the aisle. He accomplished both, the second being more trying, but with hands firmly planted on each side of his walker he made sure both of my cousin's made it down the aisle with him at their side, with a smile on his face. My uncle Tom got to accomplish his goals, as pained as I'm sure they made him, he did it and that's a lot better than most people.

Last night I watched Extreme Makeover Home Edition, and I hope this doesn't cheapen my experiences in your eyes but it really got to me. The story was about a man who had worked trying to build a better life for his family. He was diagnosed around age 40 with a form of skin cancer. Four months later he passed. But in a town of a few thousand people, 17,000 people showed up to usher his family in to their new house. I think that more than the house inspired the homeowners. And while it was touching to them, I don't think they were surprised. They knew what kind of a person their husband/father was and they knew that he loved and was loved. The pain of him not being around was obvious in all of them, but the happiness that his life was so celebrated was too.

That show coupled with today's happening in Blacksburg (Virginia Tech) made death become much more real to me. Combined they showed that death could be so quick, so unexpected. In all seriousness, even 4 months, it's so little time. Today's events made death more real than in any way I thought possible. Maybe it was partial naivety on my part when I was in High School or even over the course of the last few years but the mentality of "it can't happen to me" always prevailed. Not anymore. Not today. Not that I haven't joked about a Reo-rampage from time to time but not today. Maybe never again. Today seemed much to close to home to ever consider that "it won't happen to me." It was easier before. The other people made bad decisions or the other people were older. But that's just the thing. Other people don't exist. We're all in this together. What made a/some gunman/gunmen show up today at Virginia Tech; I haven't a clue, but it makes it possible. It makes all of these things applicable to me. It means they can happen now. It's scary.

From this here are a few thing I have learned: Don't sacrifice time with the people you love for anything. Don't waste your time with anger, especially over petty things. Show the people you love that you do. Do it often. Tell them they are loved. Make sure other's know that you know that you are loved. And love all the same.

Tuesday, April 03, 2007

Tue, 03 Apr 2007 07:17:47 GMT

Growing up, what does it really mean? When we are little we think of it as getting out "on our own." We think it's when it gets to be us verse the world. Is this true? I don't think so. If anything I have become more reliant on people for things.

In our younger years it is easy(ier) for us to jump from friends to friends and back again. As we get older, in general we begin to limit ourselves. I think this has been a negative move for me. In general this had made me more impulsive. I think that this has happened because rather than having variety from switching groups of friends, now I have to find a new way to create something interesting in my life.

Sunday, April 01, 2007

Sun, 01 Apr 2007 01:07:46 GMT

I think I am more in love with the idea of love than I ever could be with another person. If that makes any sense at all.

Monday, January 29, 2007

Mon, 29 Jan 2007 04:25:36 GMT

Hopefully at the end of this semester I can do this effectively:

I have to remind myself that some birds aren't meant to be caged. Their feathers are just too bright. And when they fly away, the part of you that knows it was a sin to lock them up DOES rejoice. Still, the place you live in is that much more drab and empty that they're gone. I guess I just miss my friend.

I will have a lot of that at the end of this semester. And I think in finding myself accepting of other people's decisions as we/they/I move forward, hopefully they too will be accepting of mine.

I might make the biggest decision of my life (to date) in the next couple months and I will no doubt need the support of the people in my life. Hopefully it will be there.

One more movie to quote: "that's what people do. They leap, and hope to God they can fly, because otherwise you just drop like a rock, wondering the whole way down, why in the *hell* did I jump?"

Monday, November 27, 2006

Mon, 27 Nov 2006 04:06:20 GMT

I can't live my life because Iam too busy listening to everyone telling me how.

Wednesday, November 08, 2006

Wed, 08 Nov 2006 05:21:05 GMT

Talking about friendship is probably one thing I'm in no state of mind to do right now but I will continue on nonetheless. Intentionally ended friendships are the more tricky of the friendship ends.

Certainly there are times in which a person ends friendship due to an/many act(s). Could be a destruction of trust, alie, a deceit, straight up bitchiness or some other gross abuse of the state of the friendship. Again, this type of frienship loss is not uncommon and it is normally fairly easy. Someone has crossed the line of the friendship and made it impossible for the two of you to remain close Again, fairly easy to place blame so we find this type of end fairly easy.

Now for the hard(est) part. Those frienships we end intentionally with little/ no cause or cause we create simply to bring about the end. I'm going to put myself out on the line here and maybe describe a situation or two people can relate to, otherwise, I'm going to seem like a complete jerk.

I think the biggest reason we intentionally end friendships without a certain spectacularly negative compoenent is simply self-preservation. When I say that I don't mean we will die if we don't; what I mean to say is that we believe that the continuation of the relationship will likely bring only more hurt or pain even without the other party being at fault. It normally occurs with someone we consider a superior in some odd sense.

We go through the relationship mostly bowing down to what they want or need and hope only to be less than negelected when they have the time to give us. This occurance is more common in male/female relationships. It is often preempted by a want of one of the members desiring more than a simple friendship. However, if that doesn't work out but the person in want of more is left wanting still, they have to feel some sort of control over the situation. In a relationship like this it is likely that the person wanting has conceded to the other more often than not and in doing so has given up all control over situations within the relationship. In order to regain a sense of control while protecting themselves from being hurt the person who has conceded their power in the relationship feels it necessary to take some sort of control going away as a way to say that they weren't actually controlled and that they acted only out of their own personal wants.

I'm not saying in order to end the relationship the person has to outright sabotage it; however, they do have to make the first move, suchas refusing to be the person to initiate contact. In doing things like that they assume control by forcing the other person to continue the friendship. From there they can justify to them and themselves why the friendship is over and that's all they are trying to be able to do say "hey, it's not my fault, but we're through."

And with that little peace of mind we rest easier- not because we got what we wanted, but the reason we didn't get it wasn't because of us and we can blame it on something else.

Monday, November 06, 2006

Mon, 06 Nov 2006 04:47:30 GMT

I have to thank Mrs. Painted Man for this topic.. it is a good one the loss of a friend.

There are certainly many ways to go about losing a friend. Some intentional and some not.

However when the loss of a friend comes about I always ask myself: why?

Why did it happen? Why wasn't it stopped?

I guess I would say in general that if a friendship does come to an end it is likely that is we never really much of a friendship It's hard for me to say that because I am no longer friends with some people I once considered very good, even best friends. Some even as recently as high school, but also 3 people I grew up with as a kid that moved away and I never heard from again (Ryan Beach, Shane Satler, aor Freddy Rondo... if you're out there let me know) (spellings may be horrible). I don't even remember when Shane or Freddy left both I think before we were in school Freddy for sure, he was a Calico Kid when he left. Shane I don't really remember I just remember going to see if he was home once and he wasn't and he never was again. Ryan hung around until about 2nd grade then he moved to find a better school.

I know, I know enough with the personal stories, but those were just to illustrate the unintentional kind of the end of frienships. Certainly with those three guys neither of us had intentions of ending our friendships but it happened. The same can be said for friends from high school (for all you college students) that you don't talk to any more. It isn't due to a falling out or a certain infidelity in the relationship- just a loss of commonality. Sure when you're home and you see them you stop and say hey, maybe catch up, but once you're back at college, they're the farthest thing from your mind.

Now for the hard part.......... talking about intentionally ended friendships. We'll save that for next time..

Again, thanks Molly, I needed to write something.

Thursday, November 02, 2006

Thu, 02 Nov 2006 03:35:48 GMT

Give me something to write about.

Anything will do.

I need to rant and rave and feel.

I need to feel important... as sad as that is.

I need to feel wanted.