Additon to an old post:I was looking at a new friend's xanga page and that led me to look at mine again which probably comes as a great shock to all of you. I re-read this post and just wanted to let you all know that I have officially decided that this poem pretty much embodies my daily struggles. I think it always will. I don't like that, but I'm pretty sure it's true.
My life is pretty much a cycle. One day (or moment really) I feel like I'm on top of the world. I am trusting Him with everything and living a life full of wonder and true joy (not necessarily the same as happiness btw). The next, life is about me again. My triumphs, my pain, my confidence, my insecurities, my gains, my losses... me. It stops being about God (or is it never really about him at all... am I always self-oriented?) and I become lost in the lies of the evil one.
Lies that build me up or lies that tear me limb from limb - it doesn't make a difference - they distract me from the relationship I should be constantly seeking after with my God. They distract me from the community that I should be building with those around me.... with all those around me - not just the ones I like. They distract me from the image of myself that God wants me to see. Since I know all of this... why can't I stop it? And that's where I am right now.
C'est fini.
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So... my brain has decided to hate me... I'm not sure why. I'm also not entirely sure what all that entails. Regardless. I've decided to be like my fiancee here and post a poem. I wrote it first semester of freshman year... but it seems to apply still. or maybe again. whatever.
“WHY?”
Why must I always feel so much pain?
Why do I work yet never seem to gain?
Why do I feel like I’m wasting these years?
Why is my heart so chock full of tears?
Why am I scared to just let them out?
Why do I always want to scream and to shout?
Why are my friends never truly my friends?
Why do they use me to gain their ends?
Why do they always just let me down?
Why is my smile just an upside-down frown?
Why do I need their approval so damn much?
Why do I crave a kind, caring touch?
Why give a friend I’ll talk to ‘til dawn?
Why take him back so I wake and he’s gone?
Why is my life such a sad and haunting song?
Why does it feel so very awfully wrong?
Why can’t I be happy for a while?
Why don’t I wear a true and heartfelt smile?
Why do I feel like my soul’s naked and bare?
Why, may I ask, do I even care?
Why can’t I trust you the way I could?
Why can’t I trust you the way that I should?
Why must I know all every step will entail?
Why do I question each small detail?
Why am I such a doubting Thomas?
Why can’t I trust, just trust every promise?
Why don’t I have faith like a small mustard seed?
Why must I see all; each word, ev'ry deed?
Why, when I know all these answers, my Lord,
Why have my questions at your feet still been poured?
Why? I realize I’ll never know your full will.
Why? I do know my cup you will fill.
So there it is... and I'm done. | 
,
IM,
singing,
signing,
sign singing,
working at the theatre,
hanging out with my friends,
touring with PUSH
Kristen, Ethan, Janice, Laren, Beth, Sarah... doesn't get much better!
contemplative