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| And, tonight, I weep because I know I will never be able to become the woman you deserve, never be able to honor you as you deserve, never be able to achieve. My only regret now is my own selfishness... that I held on to you when I could have--should have let you go. You deserved--you deserve so much more. I have failed you again and again in so many ways. How could I ever think myself worthy? | | |
| "There's no words to say
No words to convey
This feeling inside I have for you
Deep in my heart
Safe from the guards
Of intellect and reason
Leaving me at a loss
For words to express my feelings
Deep in my heart
Look at me losing control
Thinking I have a hold
But with feelings this strong
I'm no longer the master
Of my own emotions"
All I have to lay at your grave are worn cliches and borrowed lines of love and devotion, broken meter and forced rhyme. I would rather give you gold, frankincense, myrrh, thirty or three hundred silver sesterces, drachmas, koruna... something, anything more than the pain of this shallow sallow soul with its vain attempts at crafting beauty in your name.
Nihil numquam satis erit. Tanto me paenitet.
<Nothing will ever be enough. I am so sorry.>
- For You | | |
| And now...Writing your elegy is both the hardest thing I have ever had to do and the best thing. Perhaps, after this, people will finally see what is buried out on that hillside.
...I begin to see.
- "The Moon Has Lost the Sun" | | |
| Thou wert the morning star among the living,
Ere thy fair light had fled—
Now, having died, thou art as Hesperus, giving
New splendor to the dead.
Plato, translated by Shelley I would write an "Adonais" for you, my darling, my sweetest one, if the words would not betray me. We both know I can trust little of this world. Certainly not words, certainly not feelings. They lie—they lie. They do not care; they do not love. All that cared for me, all that loved me died that day in the street, and it should not have been the street! It should not have been. It should have been sweet and years from now, miles from now. But I will not have that future anymore. I will not cling to that idle dream. For without you, there is little hope or reason in it.
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| Thinking of you......but what else is new? My prayers still fall useless to the side; my thoughts still flit about as moths to your flame. 'Let go,' they say. 'Let go.' 'Let go.' If only it were that easy... how can you let go of your heart?
...leaves me prone to dramatics.
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