cry4me_baby's Xanga

Friday, March 07, 2008

Fri, 07 Mar 2008 04:55:37 GMT

And, tonight, I weep because I know I will never be able to become the woman you deserve, never be able to honor you as you deserve, never be able to achieve. My only regret now is my own selfishness... that I held on to you when I could have--should have let you go. You deserved--you deserve so much more. I have failed you again and again in so many ways. How could I ever think myself worthy?

Saturday, November 17, 2007

Sat, 17 Nov 2007 03:05:50 GMT

"There's no words to say
No words to convey
This feeling inside I have for you
Deep in my heart
Safe from the guards
Of intellect and reason
Leaving me at a loss
For words to express my feelings
Deep in my heart

Look at me losing control
Thinking I have a hold
But with feelings this strong
I'm no longer the master
Of my own emotions"

All I have to lay at your grave are worn cliches and borrowed lines of love and devotion, broken meter and forced rhyme. I would rather give you gold, frankincense, myrrh, thirty or three hundred silver sesterces, drachmas, koruna... something, anything more than the pain of this shallow sallow soul with its vain attempts at crafting beauty in your name.

Nihil numquam satis erit. Tanto me paenitet.
<Nothing will ever be enough. I am so sorry.>

And now...

Wed, 18 Jul 2007 06:44:09 GMT

Writing your elegy is both the hardest thing I have ever had to do and the best thing. Perhaps, after this, people will finally see what is buried out on that hillside.

...I begin to see.

Monday, April 16, 2007

Mon, 16 Apr 2007 06:17:24 GMT

Thou wert the morning star among the living,
Ere thy fair light had fled—
Now, having died, thou art as Hesperus, giving
New splendor to the dead.

Plato, translated by Shelley

I would write an "Adonais" for you, my darling, my sweetest one, if the words would not betray me. We both know I can trust little of this world. Certainly not words, certainly not feelings. They lie—they lie. They do not care; they do not love. All that cared for me, all that loved me died that day in the street, and it should not have been the street! It should not have been. It should have been sweet and years from now, miles from now. But I will not have that future anymore. I will not cling to that idle dream. For without you, there is little hope or reason in it.

Thinking of you...

Wed, 21 Mar 2007 07:50:44 GMT

...but what else is new? My prayers still fall useless to the side; my thoughts still flit about as moths to your flame. 'Let go,' they say. 'Let go.' 'Let go.' If only it were that easy... how can you let go of your heart?

...leaves me prone to dramatics.

Wednesday, November 22, 2006

Wed, 22 Nov 2006 14:58:09 GMT

"...sometimes, I cry... 'cause my heart is achin' without you..."

Monday, June 05, 2006

Mon, 05 Jun 2006 06:54:27 GMT

...i'm sorry that i love you...

you deserve so much more...

...and i am only cry.

Tuesday, November 22, 2005

Tue, 22 Nov 2005 07:16:37 GMT

A year later and nothing has changed.

"Baby, I'll be sitting here waiting
For you to come home again."

"The moon has lost the sun."

Tuesday, October 04, 2005

Tue, 04 Oct 2005 13:00:14 GMT

It's easy to tell when I'm thinking about you. I start playing a lot of Anthony Hamilton, especially your song. Over and over. Until the words blend and lose meaning, but I can still hear them. Over and over. They say it's silly, baby, to hold this tight to you, but I don't care. You were all I had when I need more the most. I took you for granted. I didn't say those three words enough. I held on too loosely. You may have been happy enough with me, but it should have been better. It should have been Prague, not Fort Smith. It should have been old age, not a car. It should have been May Day, not Thanksgiving. Somehow, I know your soul will always know my own. There is comfort that they can find each other again in another place and another time. That place, that time - it will be better - it will be the stuff of dreams, instead of tragedies.

Wednesday, March 30, 2005

Wed, 30 Mar 2005 07:53:30 GMT

Happy birthday, baby...