crying_ashes's Xanga

Wednesday, January 19, 2005

Wed, 19 Jan 2005 16:11:20 GMT

well i ruined it lol. i have a new xanga, but i forgot i was on it and posted everywhere. so whatever lol. my new xanga is Romancing_the_Dead. i'm gonna post stuff on it, but if you would, lets all just be nice to each other and stop using such a retarded thing to get back at each other, or pretend we're smarter than anyone else. so anyway. you can read my other one if you want, but if you start being mean or whatever... just don't even try to post lol.

Sunday, January 16, 2005

Sun, 16 Jan 2005 23:41:29 GMT

Sorrow for a Diadem

Your hair is red, your lips are green,
You know what’s sure to make me scream.

My eyes are tired, my shirt is torn,
I’d love to kill you before you’re born.

You make believe I’m someone else,
A beautiful face on a pretty shelf.

With your kisses sweet and eyes complete,
You match your gown with villainy.
Just wait until the milk turns sour,
You’ll send me packing within the hour.

I’m tired of the weight upon my shoulders.
It’s been too long and we’re getting older.
I’ll kiss you and sing you to sleep,
When I’m gone, love, promise not to weep.

I know you must love me dear,
I’ve stuck around a couple years,
If you didn’t I’d be dead…
But I am dead and you are dead,
And we like spinning in fast paced circles
Round your other lover’s grave.

My shirt mended, perfectly clean,
Buttoned so tight that I can’t dream.

My hips, too high, my knees too low,
To match your rhythm flow for flow.

If you will be my (she was your) one and only,
Then we both won’t be so lonely.

Just waiting for our hair to dry,
And trying, hardly, not to cry.
Just wishing we had half the time,
To sit around and watch the flowers die.

Sadly there’s nothing else to do,
But cut my tongue in two.
And I would love you but I love myself.
I would kill to be someone else.

I know you must love me dear,
I’ve stuck around for a couple years,
If you didn’t I’d be dead…
But I am dead and you are dead,
And we like spinning in fast paced circles
Round your other lover’s grave.

(But she's dead, won't you just leave her alone?)

Sunday, January 16, 2005

Sun, 16 Jan 2005 14:06:30 GMT

well maybe i won't leave. at least not until i can make the other xanga look decent. it looks dumb now.

thy bruise is incurable, and thy wound is grievous. There is none to plead thy cause, that thou mayest be bound up: thou hast no healing medicines. All thy lovers have forgotten thee; they seek thee not; for I have wounded thee with the wound of an enemy, with the chastisement of a cruel one, for the multitude of thine iniquity; because thy sins were increased. Why criest thou for thine affliction? thy sorrow is incurable for the multitude of thine iniquity: because thy sins were increased, I have done these things unto thee. Therefore all they that devour thee shall be devoured; and all thine adversaries, every one of them, shall go into captivity; and they that spoil thee shall be a spoil, and all that prey upon thee will I give for a prey. For I will restore health unto thee, and I will heal thee of thy wounds; because they called thee an Outcast, saying, this no man seeketh after. I will cause him to draw near, and he shall approach unto me: for who is this that engaged his heart to approach unto me? And ye shall be my people, and I will be your God

Saturday, January 15, 2005

Sat, 15 Jan 2005 02:15:20 GMT

i lied. here's my last and final post.

Matthew 12:34-37
³⁴ O generation of vipers, how can ye, being evil, speak good things? For out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaketh.³⁵ A good man out of the good treasure of the heart bringeth forth good things: and an evil man out of the evil treasure bringeth forth evil things.³⁶ But I say unto you, that every idle word that men shall speak, they shall give account thereof in the day of judgment.³⁷ For by thy words thou shalt be justified, and by thy words thou shalt be condemned.

Main Entry: ¹lyr·ic
Pronunciation: 'lir-ik
Function: noun
the words of a song -- often used in plural

yup. :) so. let's take a vote? who doesn't like me now? lol

Friday, January 14, 2005

Fri, 14 Jan 2005 18:27:17 GMT

WARNING! CONENT MAY OFFEND OR UPSET. READ AT YOUR OWN RISK.

i have now decided that this xanga will no longer be used. i'm going to make a new one, just for me to post my poetry in and other personal things i don't want the entire world and such people reading. i will make a private post for those of you that i am going to allow to see my other xanga.

i'm sick of this. oh and btw... has anyone ever heard of the concept of telling you something important to your face? lol obviously not. and i mean lol in an ironic not funny way.i need to get over it right? well obviously you don't know me very well, even after our last ordeal. i'm sorry i offend people all the time. i don't know what it is about me, but no matter what i say, i offend people. so i'll just stop talking to you. i'm sorry. i don't know what else i can say, but i'm sorry seems like the only words that ever come out of my mouth, that or "negative" ones that prove that i'm still an immature little girl who just goes out of her way to make everyone unhappy. maybe you think i'm throwing a temper tantrum or a pity
party. perhaps. but i don't particularly care right now.

anway

so here's my last post. ready for it?

the past month has been a month of crap (yes, i am still going to use the word crap. so fuck off. wow that was liberating.) chris has wrecked our car twice. this time he hit a parked vehicle and didn't feel the need to call the cops, probably because he was drunk and scared. he swerved to miss our cat. so now we get to pay a 500 dollar deductable to cover the cost of fixing our car, and on top of that we get to pay about 400 dollars for the rental car. this sucks. we really don't have 900 dollars, and all chris can afford to help us with is about 300. my dad is stressed, my mom was so upset this morning that she started crying, oh and my parents are fighting cause chris told my mom he wasn't drinking and she believes him and my dad doesn't, and i was tramutized because when the cop showed up at our house i thought he was there to tell me chris died in a car accident. and lukas just generally is acting insane, which makes everyone yella thim, to try and make everyone feel better because everyone is so upset. oh, and tomorrow my cousins are coming back over, to eat our food because they don't have any money. that is of course if ben isn't arrested today, because he owes a lot of money for child support because he's been out of work here for so long and they told him if he doesn't get a job by today he's going to jail. so who even knows what's gonna happen there. and as for me? this past week has been the most stressful of my life and i wish i had no friends, because either you're there and don't care, or you're not there because you can't be obviously. and i'm just tired of it. i'd feel a lot better if people would just leave me alone, some of you anyway.

so i suck. i try to be a good christian but i guess it doesn't work. i'm sorry none of you think i'm good enough. but Jesus does. Jesus thinks i'm good enough, so screw the rest of you. i'm not supposed to care what you think anyway. but i do care, i care way too much and then i'm screwed because not a lot of people seem to care about that, or even try to get it at all.

"so i'm sorry i'm not good enough"
-the story of my life

and that my dear friends,
is the end.

Tuesday, January 11, 2005

Tue, 11 Jan 2005 00:09:06 GMT

Conversations of love and trust and beauty only ever made me run.
The idea of completing, taping myself together when I was a torn dollar bill.
No one would use something broken, something useless, I’d be left alone.

I used to wish I would fall asleep and forget the morning.
Maybe that's why you make me wanna live so much more than usual.
I’d sing "I’ll kiss you and wed you, but don't ask me to trust you."

Your face was the sweetest lie ever invented. Your voice would cry,
but only when I spoke, my words, shards of anger, bitterness and love.
The love that used to make me hide under linen covers at night.

I was young and you were young. Two green lovers prematurely born.
It should have been a mistake. Calculated perfectly and it still broke the frame.
I’ll do what I can to make you leave, you do deserve an angel.

It’s such a strange sight, to see two friends ride a carousel and fall in love.
But my voice was growing quieter. My actions dulled by pain.
You’ve made me too weary to run. Oh I wish you'd grow your hair out long.
I’d turn you into my little doll, spending hours braiding your hair, beautiful.

Eventually they all forgot us. We learned to live and stand alone.
Someone should have mentioned when we were falling, that the ground,
was always only inches below us. And you held me till the morning light,
when dreams kept falling from clouds to tell us we were perfect ones.

Picnics with kisses and green hills, and wildflowers, how they bloomed forever.
I couldn't bring myself to cut them with silver scissors to take home,
but I sure learned how to cut myself. But you never knew, you never knew.

My favorite mistake. My favorite unorganized end. My favorite nap in the sun.
The books I’ve read, could not prepare me for an experience quite like this.
Nothing quite matches that first half kiss; oh I drank gallons of water and didn’t run,
until I felt like the sea. Calm and beautiful, blue but not sad, never sad again.

Sunday, January 09, 2005

Sun, 09 Jan 2005 22:37:15 GMT

"Oh, to want one thing!

Purity of heart is to want one thing."



and if only we could all want one thing. 

oh, how many things i want, oh how little i truly need.

my voice is cracked and scratched as i hum our favorite song.

your hair in front of my eyes makes it difficult to see. 

you're frail like a chinese scarlet tea cup, 

smiling and dainty just asking to break. 

and if i've been untrue, lying and absurd,

then ask me what i want, i'll be sure to post my list, 

on the wall for all to see!

to be angry is to be easy, and how easy i've become.

to mourn your absence long, is the task i've yet to overcome.

the food that flows so plentiful from your mouth into my lips, 

to feed my every hunger, is rotten and growing with mold.

only a fool like me would dare to eat, to satisfy my rage.

in my old age i’ve learned there’s certain things you shouldn’t see.

but all i want is to satisfy, to fulfill my mind's wish.

and if only we could all see, 

how stupid and low like devils we've become. 

to satisfy yourself, and let your brother starve and die away.

i'll push you down, push away, to stay safe, to stay free.

don't call my name. i've learned to forget your face. 

stay away, this way i'll get what i think i want, 

and you'll be free to leave. after all who would stay with someone like me?

don't you see, i'll bind us all in chains. 

and all i ever wanted was to want that one thing, 

the thing to set us free.

Friday, January 07, 2005

Fri, 07 Jan 2005 16:37:39 GMT

What a curse to be God. To be eternally abandoned by those you created.

I used to wish I was a spirit, so I would never feel pain - blindly believing our flesh to be the cause of all our sorrow and misfortunes. But God... oh Lord that is our father and lover and brother and friend. We abandon him over and over. And all he longs for is our love. Imagine spending millions of years alone. And what of the trinity, could they not comfort each other in their loneliness – by that I mean longing to be loved without ever seeing them face to face? It doesn't count if you love yourself.

Of course he doesn't need us to exist. He doesn't need us to survive. But we are what he longs for. Think! How many have left, have chosen the road to eternal separation from God. And yet, he can still cry for those that left and smile in joy at those who recieve him.

I don't understand. I don't understand why he would create us in the first place. I would take the angels blind worship, I mean blind as in always being in his presence, oblivious to the hardships of never seeing him, over a population of fickle and weak and malicious people that will turn their back on you as quickly as they can say your name. We blame him for all our troubles, blindly accusing him of pouring out evils from heaven down to us, not protecting us from our own foolish decisions. We ignore the fact that the reason it is so incredible that he created us is because he created us with free will, with the choice to not love him. And oh how terrifying that would be. We can choose our own destinies; we can choose our own fate. We, and other humans around us, can alter our futures with a single mistake. And we blame God for this! Why not blame yourself. Your own foolish mistakes can ultimately change someone else’s future. You say, “If he really loved me he’d protect me!” He tries. If you let him, he’ll protect you. But if you choose to act in your own will, and not his, how is he responsible for your stupidity?

And then, of course, we praise him when all is well.

We are the epitome of evil. Had any of us been in the garden we would have brought the same fate upon humanity, for not only did he create us to worship him but to have a curious spirit, a longing to be better than we are. Not realizing that had we left well enough alone, we would have been perfect in our innocence. But we as humans will not settle for innocence. We long for worldly knowledge, we grasp at philosophies that corrupt our souls. We strive to be better than our family and friends. We talk about our problems, our negative behaviors, waiting for someone to comfort us, to say we are better than we are. All we want is to be better!

To be better is to be love. But we cannot be love, we refuse to be love. Following the same prejudices our ancestors follow, the same beliefs that have brought about the downfall of civilizations of ages past. In our longings to be better we forget about loving. That helping your neighbor is truly "being better".

We don't live a lifestyle worthy enough to be called better. We are greedy and selfish and focus only upon what we can achieve for ourselves, never on what we can help others achieve. Why? Why create something so foolish, so ridiculous in our schemes to better ourselves. We are no longer content to be innocent. Why? Will we be mocked? Surely! We will be ridiculed and made fun of in our goal for innocence. No. We will heal ourselves with our man made medicines. We will learn more by viewing the thousands of internet sites produced each day, as if technology makes us better. We will learn more about our surroundings by watching a TV that gives a biased view of our world. We will argue and disagree with anyone who has a slightly different view of things than us. We are content to be evil and violent, falsely believing it to bring us happiness. We will put down others to be accepted. We will change ourselves so we can better fit into society’s view of perfection. Not realizing that being perfect is being innocent, being love.

When someone disagrees with you - agree with them. When someone hits you - yes! Turn the other cheek. When someone says they hate you - tell them you love them. If I offend you - tell me you admire me. If I am evil - show me love. If I cry - don't convince yourself it's not your problem, comfort me!

We are all crying for love. We just convince ourselves that if we were better, we would be loved, we would be respected. Ignoring the fact that to be loved and to be respected is to love and respect others. If I hate you, take joy in the fact that our father loves you forever and with a passion I could not describe.

Your apologies mean nothing to God. Your revolution, the reason he created you... means everything.

Wednesday, January 05, 2005

Wed, 05 Jan 2005 01:46:10 GMT

You know you're in trouble when you start making comments about your life being dealt out and irreversible. When you don't even believe in fate or predestination.

Empty silences hide the record player
as clumsily it ends its serenade,
with a dull scratching noise.
Moans and screams full of loss and pain
from carpet burns across your face.
It always hurts too much to stay.
Your last words are filled with beauty,
but your tongue laced with poison,
one concocted just for me.
Its love, ripped apart like paper shreds.
You're the best lie I ever believed.
And oh, you treated me so well.

Sunday, January 02, 2005

Sun, 02 Jan 2005 01:40:17 GMT

For xanga... here's my "new year" post. Deals will stuff that was, stuff that is, and stuff that will happen. Happy New Year. Don't let the last one hit you on the @$$ on its way out.

Three screen names you had last year:
1. nite_chylde06
2. agapertos_paidion
3. penguinkkisses7

Three constant loves:
1. Seth
2. God
3. Writing

Three things you don't like about yourself:
1. I'm too "strong willed"
2. I'm too hasty, I don't think things through
3. I care far too much about things that don't matter to anybody else

Three things you can do to help you like yourself emotionally this year:
1. I could stop thinking my way is the only right way
2. I could listen, before I speak and be nicer when I do speak
3. I could learn to let things go, and not dwell on the past

Three things you can do to help you like yourself physically this year:
1. Exercise and stop being such a lazy bum
2. Stop drinking so much pop
3. Sleep more / eat better

Three things that scared you last year:
1. Attempting to make new friends
2. Thinking I wasn't going to get to see Seth anymore cause of his parents
3. Being afraid I'm not going to get into a good college / have the money to go

Three things you're looking forward to this year:
1. Our 2 year anniversary
2. Turning sixteen / Seth turning eighteen
3. This summer and all it holds

Three of your everyday essentials:
1. Seth
2. Clothes
3. Something to read / write

Three favorite things you wore last year:
1. My Chinese cream silk shirt
2. My opal necklace
3. My new jeans w/ my new pink hippy shirt

Three of your favorite bands of last year:
1. mewithoutYou
2. Eisley
3. Copeland

Three of your favorite books of last year:
1. "This Good Earth"
2. "Echo"
3. "I was a teenage fairy"

Two truths and one lie (in no particular order):
1. I love him
2. I like school
3. I fully enjoy the color green

Three physical things about the opposite sex that appeals to you:
1. Freckles
2. Hair
3. Soft skin

Three things you want to do to start off the new year:
1. Kiss Seth
2. Read an incredibly large amount of books
3. Have a party with all my friends

Three things you want to learn:
1. To speak French
2. To sing better
3. What a true "Christian" is

Three places you wish you could go on vacation/holiday:
1. Tokyo
2. Amsterdam
3. Chicago

Three favorite movies of last year:
1. Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind
2. Garden State
3. The Village

Three baby names (hehe why not, we all know my infatuation with names):
1. December
2. Echo
3. Amelie

Three things that surprised you last year:
1. Finding out Janee is pregnant
2. How amazing Dr Pepper lip balm is.. man I need some more of that
3. How good stories can be completely ruined when turned into a movie

Three things you want to do before you die:
1. Get married to Seth
2. Write a novel
3. Have a little girl to tell fairy stories to