to three

one

i think it's different now.  i think anticipation sort of snuffled the reality of things - that really, we are inconvenient for each other, that really, you don't care.  but still, i feel safe while lost with you and somehow at peace.  i feel the world is pleasant when you laugh in your way that is completely you.  i enjoy things more in your presence; i am enthusiastic and silly at times to an extreme.  but i think this energy too makes me tired.  we are too polite with each other.  i wish you would explode at me, that you would be fickle, so i could have memories of your less than tactful times.  too many people like you, and you're always distancing yourself improperly; i don't like that.  and you are so civil it seems cold sometimes, but still it is admirable, the way you are unafraid, the way you are so darn logical, the way you ask questions with those eyes, the way you have me feel that my prejudices somehow influence yours without at all ceding your own opinions.

i want to tell you my story, and how i think you have the most beautiful shoulders, but i think it's too late now and i'm just too stubborn and you're just too practical.

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two

i know you read this.  i think you're probably going to check back and read on the possibility that i wrote, that i extended some fiber of my being.  am i being incredibly arrogant?  probably.  i know how you feel.  i know also that you don't know that i know how you feel, that you feel like you have to prove something, or have the courage to show me something.  you don't.  i know and i appreciate it in a way, but please don't dwell.  it hurts you more than it hurts me, and i do want you to be happy and find what you are looking for - which probably doesn't live in me.  chin up, confidence.

thank you for the unnecessary hand-delivered mail, and for the silliness, and for your time.

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three

i love you because i don't know you, and it is beautiful.