Currently Listening Howl's Moving Castle Original Soundtrack see related

I'll watch them bloom for me and you.

Damn, homie.

I'm so bad at this....remember when I used to write every single day?

And the first time I missed a day I was so upset....and slowly the need to mouth off trickled down to once a week, once every two weeks, once a month.....now what is it.
Just something I do when I feel the need.

Writing here makes me feel young...because I was just a tiny little jerk when I started out with this thing. Mm...so more things have happened since I last wrote...update time.

I mentioned my father passing away......I got hit again right at the end of the year....one of my dear friends, Max, committed suicide December 16th, 2006.

That was so unreal.

I never thought it would happen to me...at least not yet...you know....I'm still young...to lose a friend the same age as me....to something like that....it's scary. I never knew he felt that way....if anyone asked me who was the happiest person I knew...I'd say Max. Something deep was going on inside him, and I wish....damn, if I had just opened my eyes a little sooner, reached out a little earlier....I feel like maybe he would still be with me. It hurts so much....I'm really tired of losing people I care about....I need a break.

So.....that's happened.

John? Oh, of course he's still a story to tell.

He's going to be a father.

Great. I mean....when I got that news, I wasn't really all that surprised, because I had a premonition of it(my one and only). But god dammit.....god dammit, John, now you've gone and screwed up everything for me. I was ready...this summer, I was ready to approach him as the young woman I've become and prove to him that I'm worth a try. I figured I know he really loves me as a friend....maybe he could love me as something more if I showed him how good it could be. But he went and knocked some bitch up, and....I can't compete with that.
I don't even want to...I'm not going to take him away from the mother of his child...even though I've heard he doesn't love her. It just sucks though....he's so young still...maybe this will make him grow up. Finally.

Ughhh, I don't know. On a slightly better note....I got into Tulane. I'm going to visit the first week of April...I can't make a final decision until I know about financial aid though....I really need it. 45,000 a year? It's ridiculous.

I hope all of you are doing alright. I miss you...really. I'm going to read all of your blogs now to catch up on things.

Take care, muffins.

Kissies and glomps,
                       Ally

Currently Listening Room for Squares By John Mayer see related

You should have seen that sunrise...

Oh boy.

So...it's been awhile, huh, kiddies. So much has happened...it's been...ten months since I last blogged?

Shit, I'm bad.
I would try and do another recap, but just too much time has passed.
The biggest, and absolute worst event in my life passed me by this spring though....

...My dad passed away this April...one week before my 17th birthday. I don't really know what I'm supposed to say aside from that, but...my life is completely changed now. And though I'm doing alright, and smiling and laughing and living my life...I won't ever feel complete again, I don't think. I was robbed of him....he was taken suddenly and unfairly, and...I dunno, there's no words for the feeling..or lack of feeling inside me now.

So, aside from knowing that the worst moment in my life has happened.....I guess I've been okay.

That John kid that I'm always talking about...back and forth, hate and love....I know what it is now.

I do love him. I'm not in love with him anymore like I used to be, but I could be if he tried. I do love him though. He makes me happy..and he brings light into my life. By learning not to depend on his presence alone for happiness, I now greet each of our meetings as a wonderful opportunity to be with a dear friend.
So many times I've called him an asshole because he was with other girls....it's not like he knew, or knows how I really feel. He was never doing it out of spite or hate or plain animosity....he's just a guy with hormones...I can't control that...neither can he. Unlike the girl friends I'm always with who are always complaining and crying and dragging me down with their daily sob stories...John is a rarity...a treasure I pull out to look at just once and awhile...maybe every few months...so each time he's better than the last time we spoke...each time he shines with that stupid big grin of his, and he just lights up my world...  He's always so happy, and that attitude renews my faith in people...my trust in everything turning out okay...my belief that life is beautiful.
Sure, everytime I'm with him for more than a few days, we end up in some little spat or altercation, and I get mad and walk away, and he'll get pissed and confused and just walk off too. But it's alright...it's supposed to be like that. It's how I know we're true friends...he's been my best buddy since I was 11.....and I know it's still an impossible dream, but I'd like to grow old with him....just to see if his smile will still remind me of a calm, sunny summer day 20 years from now. To see if driving in the car listening to Pink Floyd or the Grateful Dead or the Doors after smoking with him is still the best feeling in the world...

I'm in the middle of the most stressful process....getting into college. Holy shit, is it a trial. I'm applying early desicion to Tulane....so my deadline is like...now. I'm gonna try to send it in by this weekend, and hope everything works out.....
                      ...I'm scared...I wish I could just show up at their doors and be welcomed without question. It's rough....but I've got to just get it done, I guess.

It's been such a long time since I really wrote down my feelings and thoughts and little escapades....it feels good to just write in horrible, ungrammatically correct, sloppy, run-on sentences. At least it's out now. At least someone other than me knows...even if they don't understand or agree with any of it.

I'm gonna stop writing for now though...hopefully I'll get another blog in before....y'know...next year or something. I have a feeling I won't be making you wait that long, though....

Kissies and glomps, Ally

Currently Gaming The Legend of Zelda Ocarina of Time - Master Quest By Nintendo see related

Hi crystalnightrose! It's been 608 (wow, that's a big number) days since you joined Xanga... won't you support us by going Premium?

So uhh.....

Yeah, I'm still alive.

There's really no excuse for why I haven't updated, but I'll give a quick recap on some of the things that have taken up my life in the past months.

John became the biggest dirtbag on the planet and I pretty much slit my wrists over him. Stupid.
My dad nearly died and is now on dialysis for life because his kidneys no longer function and his heart is very very weak.
I went to Otakon with my cousin Vicki, and we had a blast.
I became a bong-tokin' alcoholic...and basically I go to school wasted or on some sort of pill every morning.
I'm failing math horribly, and I just don't give a damn.
School has become far more irrelevant to me than it should be, considering my junior year is the most important one, if I want to get into college.
I'm approaching a year living in my [not so] new home, and,
Myspace owns me.

So. Those would be a few of the prominant issues that keep me from blogging like I used to. But I'm still here...and I love you all.

Kissies and glomps, Ally

Currently Listening Three Cheers for Sweet Revenge By My Chemical Romance ~Thank You For the Venom see related

Current Mood:

~I'll stop the world, I'll melt for you...~

What up, ma.

Dude...what a crazy trip life is.

So stuff's happened since I last blogged...and John's been out. And we really didn't even hang out...at all...and it's scary.
Losing a friend, I mean...

I really am done this time though...I can't keep waiting on him. He's never going to show up for me like I dream it... I can't keep crying over him. Five years....five years I've loved that boy. I know I always will.

But I have to fall out of love.

I have to, or I'm going to self-destruct. I've already done some stupid shit to my arm...I'm ashamed of what he lowers me to...

I had been so used to going out and hanging around with him, I figured things would never change...but he's changed..and people have changed....I need to change.

He was here today, but he left to go back home. And he never said goodbye...he never even calls me anymore...

So the next time he's out here, I'm going to show him what he did to me, and then I'm going to tell the truth. I've been lying to everyone, including myself, for so long...but I have to tell him now.

I love John...but letting go is the only thing that will save me from myself in the end.

Well, enough of this emo shit. Baby, I been gettin' wasted and hooking up with boyssssss. The past four days have been a blur to me...three and a half boys, free beer, a bottle of vodka, a thirty pack....you do the math, lil mama.

I don't care. I really don't. I told everyone already, this summer is all about sex, drugs, and rock 'n roll for me. I'm doing whatever the fuck I want with whoever I want, and I seriously plan to go back to school baked out of my head.

So bring it on, bitches and bastards...I've got a few more weeks of hellraisin', and I'm not stopping til some damage has been done.

~Aw no, she ain't no hoe, she just a badd bitch.~

Currently Playing Sprout By Original Soundtrack ~When I Goosestep~ see related

CURRENT MOOD:

I am...terribly lonely.

I hate having to complain and bitch about this all the time, but my journal here's really the only place I can 'voice' it without being laughed at...to my face at least.

John's out right now..and he...doesn't even look at me anymore...

It's basically my worst nightmare come true.

He doesn't touch me anymore, he doesn't call, he doesn't talk, he's distant, he's with everyone else, boy and girl, possible...and he's just not...my friend...

And no one calls, and no one wants to see how I'm doing, what I'm doing, why I'm not with them...and I'm not really upset because this behaviour has come as a surprise...it's been like this forever..it's just a general overwhelming sense of being lonely again.

My last day of school is tomorrow. My last day as a sophomore. So that's good....

I need to find a job..and I need to find some new people to smoke with. Because I hate being high with John...and he still doesn't even look at me. It's the worst feeling. He's the worst feeling.

I'm never alone.
I'm always lonely.