So I figure I'm gonna end up updating multiple times a day because it keeps me busy so I don't eat. So far today I've had diet peach iced tea, which has 5 calories. I also added some apple cider vinegar to the iced tea because that is supposed to boost metabolism, suppress hunger, and suck out fat. So I figured it was worth a shot. I don't know if it's actually doing anything, but I'm down another half a pound, so that's something. Bringing my total weight to 187 and my weight loss to 2lbs. I know it's really nothing, but it's a start. I just have to keep going. The problem is dinner tonight, hopefully I can just skip it. I keep telling Mom that the meds have destroyed my appetite. So if I leave a dirty bowl in the dishwasher so I can fool her into thinking I ate earlier, I can say I'm still full and skip dinner. Then tomorrow I am working from 1-10pm, which is perfect. It means I am on my feet that entire time, and I won't be home for dinner. Then Mom leaves on Friday to go pick up Ben from camp so I can avoid eating then. And I'll be out all day with Erica shopping for last minute party stuff. So I can probably not eat until the party Saturday as long as I can skip dinner tonight.

Sometimes I sit here and think I just want to cave and binge but then I remind myself that it's not worth it, not in the slightest. I've only lost 2lbs, which isn't nearly enough and if I binge I'll gain it all back. I'm sick of being the fat friend. I'm 5'9" and I feel so awkward there's just way too much of me. So if I can get down to at least 140 then I won't be as weird and awkward because I won't  take up as much space.




So tonight I'm going to see my therapist. She has no idea I've stopped eating again. As far as she knows I'm still dealing with binge eating. I really am amazed I've been able to not only not binge these last few days, but severely restrict. Next year at school is gonna be great. Because I won't have to worry about trying to skip meals with my Mom and I won't have a meal plan so instead of eating when I go out with my friends I can tell them I have no money on my card and that I ate earlier in my dorm, or plan on eating when I get back. I'll probably be getting between five and six hundred dollars a month next year for food and other things. So instead of spending the money on food I can spend it on stuff for pledging, cloths for my newly thin body, and other things to make me look even better. It's gonna be so great having all that money, because I am going to lose weight and need new clothes! Also the clothes will be a good reward for when I do lose all this fat.

Ok time for some inspiration.












Sometimes when I look at these pictures it's so discouraging. I can't believe I could ever look that good no matter how much I lose. I just have to remember that at least I'm trying, that's a start. At least I am working towards the perfect size.

I'll post again tonight with my final intake for the day. Though right now it is still just the iced tea!

So far today I haven't eaten anything today. I plan on keeping it that way, though there is one problem. Tonight Mom is going to make this pesto pizza because she knows I like it, so I'm not sure how to get around that one. I had planned on eating some oatmeal or a yogurt today. But instead I'll have one piece of pizza, no more then that. That is of course if I can't come up with a way to get out of eating the pizza. I'm supposed to go out with Lesley at six. But Mom doesn't want to wait for dinner so she wants me to prepare the pizza before she gets home and then we'll eat it before I leave with Lesley. I really just want it to be next year so that I can just no eat. This morning Alex called, which was a great way to start the day and a good reminder not to eat. I want him to be in shock, in a good way, when he sees me at band camp. I think he might like me and I think if I lose weight before the next time he sees me, it'll make sure he does. I only have a month, so I won't be able to lose all the weight I need to, but it's a start.

Right now I feel so light because my stomach keeps grumbling and I'm light headed. Most people don't understand how amazing that feeling is. It means my body is eating it's own fat. I know there is more then enough of that to live off of for months.

I just ate a baby carrot, and I'll probably have some more carrots. They are a negative calorie food so I can them without feeling quilty. And that way when it's dinner time I won't be going crazy with hunger and binge. Carrots are one thing I don't have to count how many I have. It's nice to eat something I don't have to worry about.

I'm kind of nervous about my birthday party Saturday, for two reasons. Reason one is the obvious one, it's a party with a bunch of junk food and alcohol. I need to not eat anything the day of the party, or maybe the rest of this week. Then after the party I will go on a fast for at least a week. I can't wait until school starts. Then I can fast as much as I want and eat as little as I want.

Ok all I've had today is a bunch of carrots which is guilt free, so I'm feeling pretty good. I just have to pay attention when it comes to that pizza. Which I now have to go make. I'll post my final intake for the day later.