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| hmm hello hello! this blogger have been around for a little more than 4 years,, wow! and my other one's been around since 2003! yeah that was my first one.. october 2003... i kinda dropped it cuz there's a lot of people out there who kept on giving comments when you don't even ask for their opinion! how annoying! LOL The people who visit this one's a lot nicer... they just read and that's it... or maybe becaise i disabled the "comments" button? :LOL hmm... xanga, i love you.. we've been through a lot together... and although i didn't get the chance to tell you everything, i know you're just there.. and I can't thank you enough. I wish i can stay with you... well... maybe i will... and we'll keep the secrets we don't tell the world... but for now.. i need to count. as today is day one.. i'm takin it one day at a time.. i'm not closing this book, i believe it's not yet finished.. i just need to get away for a while.. you may come with me if you want.. no, i don't have anything to say.. but i'm going to start counting.. page one will be on the next book, xanga.. and it's going to be a diffrent story... it's about a girl who.... | | |
| I close my eyes as I cursed. The pain was stinging, it was almost unbearable. Took a deep breath with the same thought I had when my knuckles hit the wall that night,, when I broke my glasses on my hand-- no matter how much it hurt, it was not even an inch near to the pain I feel inside. I watch my skin burn. It was burning deep. The pain was stinging. But it was soft and faint to a broken heart.
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I stopped receiving msgs from her since the aftrnoon I saw her off the bus. As asked to txt her, I complied. And stared waiting. Waiting for nothing. and my heart stopped beating. I've seen this.. and scare, fear, terrified, petrified-- these words are but an understatement to how I am feeling. I've seen this-- just last weekend. I didn't bother her thinkin she could be resting.. Msgs the next day were barely responded to.. and when I got that call--
I've seen this. And shit it is a blinding pain.
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The other said she'd let go.
She told me she's leaving both her phones to be able to have some time for her to think.
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Got home at around 5-530am Wednesday morning. Had booze I never thought I could. Trying to drown the pain, the confusion of not understanding why.. just so I could get by till she gets back...
I was awake at 630am. Drove as hell was after me.
I waited. Under the tree where people behind me were cooking fish. Fuck that fish stink.
Saw her right after I went to grab a cup of coffee.
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That phone. Everytime I see it I feel fear more than anything else.
She was asking her to call her.. that was the day before..
"Nie, asan ka na?"
nie.. that msg was for my hunnie...
I was stuffed in a fridge of ice.
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Monday:
"So I'm not really holding on to something, am I?" confirming what was obvious.
"You are." she retorted.
"No, I'm not." Stating what was obviously slapping me in the face. Hoping for something out of nothing.
"YOU ARE."
"What then?"
"my word."
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"I'm not bringing my phone. I'm not communicating with anyone so I can think."
.....
"txt me ha?"
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I think she forgot.
I think she also missed the part where she says "but I will just ignore you."
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I've see this before.
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A supposedly business associate turned friend said "so you are that determined? geez, I have had a lot of lovers but I have never seen love as this. NEVER. I hope she sees you. And I'd like to meet this lucky woman."
I was reminded of when I followed her to Bulacan even without knowing where and how to get there.
The time when I went to what felt like the end of Fairview just to find her in her drunk state.
The time when I snapped at a woman in the jeep.
The time when I almost got into a fist fight with a well built guy in the parking lot.
The time when I travel miles in the middle of the night to work because our house was near la salle.
The time when I walked beside her without holding her hand because she wasn't ready for the world.
When I told her and pushed her to do what I know she can do because I know she can.
The time that I took her to the grocery because she couldn't take the pressure of the exam results.
When I held her hand because she needed more than just her stregnth to do anything.
Those number of times when I tried to keep it together knowing I can't have her.
When I let her blame me for something we both know was her fault just to pacify her.
When I travel 6 hours just to get to her on the weekends she goes home when we moved to alabang.
That time when I told my childhood friends "fuck you, i'm keeping her".
When I faced her family the first time.
When walk away or hit the wall or break something because I didn't want to hurt her.
When I toughened up to show up on their door because she needed me as her mom passed away.
Those times when I tried to be strong because she was weak.
When I left work so I can cater to her family the best way I can.
When I worked 2 jobs and accepted one more under the conditions that I get to work at home so I can be there to hug and kiss her welcome home when she comes home from work.
When I tried to keep a straight face when they asked me to leave the house.
When I tried to draw strength from the storm to how her I can roll my sleeves again to fight for her if i have to.
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I did make mistakes. I did break promises. So did she.
I guess we already know these.
Question is, are these enough?
Maybe not.
Are the years that we spent together, working together, fighting, making up, hurting, loving, showing everyone else we can, worth anything?
My purpose was to show her what she does not see. I wonder what's hers? To hurt me as much as she did just to see and learn what she can not.
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I find myself listning to the radio and hearing this story.
A man was engaged to a woman he has been with for years. Man meets someone else. Man gets confused.
You will always meet someone better than her. Someone who can be and do things the other person can not or is not. But think about the years you spent with this person.. Everything that you conquered together which made you want to marry her, is because you know you want to sped the rest of your life with her.
What did you see the first time you met her? That excitement, that thrill of getting to know this new person is something you probably don't see and feel with your fiancee because you already know her. But is that enough to take the risk of losin the one you know you want to spend your life with?
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My 2 cents comes from somethin I've always known.
The 80:20 Rule.
Ideally, you are supposed to give 100% of yourself to your partner. But they only need 80% of you. That 20% will always be missing. And usually that's the time you start looking around and appreciating other people.
>I have met a lot of people who didn't even come close. I've found someone who's, yes, better.. But when you know where your heart belongs to, no matter what the price is-- you JUST DO IT.
sabi nga ni John-john: kung sino mahal mo, paglaban mo. (without knowing my situation! galing noh?)
sabi dad: Sige, gawin mo.
sabi ng kuya ko: go get her.
sabi ng childhood bestfriend ko: lahat nmn tyo may problema eh.. basta tandaan mo, ang importante ay mahalaga
*tumbling*
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| Seek the best
Joy
and fulfillment are not merely possible, they are unavoidable when you
truly and sincerely seek them. Greatness is your destiny. There is no
virtue in being resigned to a life that's anything less than the very
best you can envision.
What is the purpose of this day if not to live every moment
with joy? True joy is not irresponsible. Rather, it is highly
responsible. Living your dream means being responsible to the best that
you have to offer.
It is unfortunate that we so often equate happiness with
destructive behavior such as revenge, substance abuse or idleness.
Lasting happiness and joy result from creative, productive, disciplined
actions. Being happy, joyful and fulfilled means being the best you can
be.
The things you seek, with the moments, thoughts and actions
which make up your days, you will have. You cannot avoid them. They are
yours. So make them the best that they can be.
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| insanity overload
was too busy to even wonder
how i knew how to find her?
consuming fun lifted her off the ground
left unnoticed-- i've always been around
sitting, watching and trusting
cuz she said twon't let it be anything
didn't see the plan in hue
they're gonna make me blue
took me by surprise, i must say
when i found out yesterday
the home i know when i'm astray
was gladly given away
devastation as my world turned to dust
how could it crash so fast?
"she didn't want me to", she said
this stranger's voice in her head hit me dead
"oh my, honey! oh no! no! no! my baby!"
i know i ain't supposed to cry
believe that i tried to hide
but these tears i can't hold inside
I have never met fear this big
pain incomparable to a crashed rig
trauma triggered by every ring
from someone i thought was just a fling
a thread of tears kept me blind
today i almost lost my mind
it's my life, my soul i can not find
and my heart i left behind
losin you would end the life in me
cuz you mean that much to me
breathing without you i can't do
cuz noone loves you as much as i do
should my pain cause your happiness
must it be with someone else
if your plan to let me go is hard to do
then let me give it all and do it for you
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