This is where monkeying around gets me.

Sometimes all it takes is a hard fall to get you back on your feet. In the last few months I have been at my most spastic. My most irrational. My most insane. But somehow when I had surfaced through all the bullshit that I had drowned myself in while I was wallowing in self pity, I'd come to realize that (cliche warning) everything truely happens for a reason. You can fight it or you could get swept away in it. For me letting go of control almost always takes me where I should be. I have no complaints. I feel like myself again. Hope this feeling sticks for a little while.

I'm stealing time. I am usually a stickler for the rules and using integrity at the work place but right now I am stealing time to think. To think, to write, to rant, to have a moment to myself.

Since I've moved back to Ohio I haven't had any time to myself. No time to enjoy the mid-day breeze. No time to partake in the summer festivites. No time to just lay around and watch television or sleep in. Worst of all I have not had time to think.

I am losing myself in a sea of noise and all I want is some peace. Just peace and quiet, maybe even some natural noise. Like the sea or birds.

But I work. All I do is work. And what for? What am I working for if I'm not happy?

Now I'm sitting here at work... where my job is to tell people how integral education is to progression through life and I can't get my personal statement started. Not because I don't want to but because I have not had time to sacrifice sleep to write it.

When I do write it, I don't want it to suffice. I want it to represent what my intentions are when entering grad school so that I can set a goal and follow through with it regardless of where the grad program would lead me. I don't want to half ass my introduction to the professional world. I want to choose my words carefully.

Blogging is one thing. I shit out words through my fingertips. I say something because it is what is on my mind at the moment. At times blogging replaces the hugs that I long for from friends well beyond my reach. But this isn't planned. This isn't thought out. This isn't my passion. Politics, Religion, Education, Travel... these are my passions. I want, I NEED to be swept away in thought. I can't stay put for too long. I sure as hell can't stay put in OHIO.

Note to self.

I'm sitting in a cubicle with my back to the entrance. I help students get their lives started but I sit and wonder when I'm going to start mine. I have pictures of family and friends littering my walls. Pictures of faces that make me feel at home. Different places I have been. I've made a peace sign out of tacks. I do what "grown ups" are supposed to do and I'm thankful for that. I can't help but feel that deep down I was still meant for something more.

 So in my down time, I will sit back in my chair with my eyes close and try to imagine what I want my world to be like. I will start to turn those feelings into pictures that I can hang in my cube. I will stop looking at pictures of the past and start piecing together the things that I want in my future.  I will create my happiness.

I still hate cats.

Life has changed just a little since I've blogged last. I wouldn't even know where to start. So I'll give you bullet points and you can try to decypher them for yourself

• Live at Josh's grandma's house for a while with his Uncle
• Uncle smoked cigarettes and had 8+ cats
• I'm allergic to cigs and cats
• I was not a happy camper
• Forgot and then remembered why we moved away from here in the first place
• Job market out here BLOWS
• Worked at Starbucks again until I broke my arm
• Broke my arm falling off the monkey bars
• Doctors charge way more than necessary
• Falling was the best thing that's ever happened to me
• Got a new position as an Assistant Director of Admissions
• New town house in North Canton
• Decided to feng shui my life
• Starting to read more again
• Wanting to write more
• Missing Florida and California
• Missing travel and the beach
• Missing salty air and cool breezes
• Saw TOM PETTY AND THE HEARTBREAKERS in concert
• It was raining 30,000+ people showed up
• It was so amazing that it made my heart stop
• My right side became numb for a few days
• At the library using the web because I'm avoiding helping Josh move
• I'm not lazy
• Yes I am
• I woke up at 400am to go to work at Starbucks
• I keep that job because despite the fact that I smell like coffee and old milk when I get off, working at Starbucks makes me feel alive. I get to have small talk. I get to talk politics, sports, weather, local happenings. I see smiling faces and get to give immediate gratification. I enjoy the money at Brown Mackie but I love the heart of working at Starbucks. One day I will give it up but I don't think I'm ready just quite yet.
• My hair is now half way down my back.
• This is a record.
• It hasn't been this long since high school
• I do not miss high school
• I do miss college
• and the Village
• I need to go pick up pizza and beer for the boys.
• I will blog again soon.

This brain is temporarily out of service.. please try again later.. thank you..

As goes my life, I'm in a stage of complete and utter boredom. Adult angst due to the stagnant nature of my life style. The first time I moved to Ohio, America's Frozen Over Heartland, I hated it. I'd kick the ground and actually hoped that the entire state, the very soil that the state was founded on would wretch in pain from my minor infliction. But as I distanced myself from surrogate state for a mini holiday from life down in the Sunshine State, I convinced myself that going back to the big O would be what was entirely right for me. I sensationalized my own memories of the times that I first was thrown to the wolves by life. My cultural wake up call. My realization of the dichtomy between what was in my head and what was acceptable for everyone else's ears. Even now I have to turn to tampered memories to help me escape from the fact that I feel that I can not connect with most of the people here and it drives me to question myself more than usual. After every failed attempt to enlighten someone with even the simplist of facts, it is heartbreaking to know that my attempts are always in vain because you can not teach anyone anything when they already know all that there is to know. That not only did I waste my time but it was if I made a silly twit of myself by not realizing what everyone already knew. Life is what it is. There is a lack of hope, genuine hopes that peace and understanding will be spread and enrich the world around us. Instead there is the cynacism that makes people behave in a way that screams " There's no saving the world so I might as well just save my own ass in the mean time". These are the people who voted for Bush both times. And have no regret. At all. There is an arrogance to their certainty that makes me want to prove them wrong, but the rub is that once again it would be fruitless because even if I can physically prove a person wrong, their will is so strong that they would believe that they were right just because they know in their hearts that they are. I guess that's where my relationship with Ohio starts and ends. That is what we will always have a bickering contest over and I will call my old states to reminice. I will always love Ohio because it is, the people are, true to the core and roots are planted deeper that any redwood on the west. I will always hate it because it is that way. Maybe we will make up during the spring time, but for right now, I am temporarily disconnecting myself from this state and the people that haven't kept me on my toes. I'm sick of this routine I'll comeback when the pastures are green again.  Give me something to think about. Give me something to renew my faith.