me again

today i swam. it wasn't so different from all other days. there were storm clouds. more people than usual in the pool.

i am not confused, i am merely conflicted. and i hate it when people tell me it's a normal stage in the human development cycle; dismiss and think they understand because they "know people who've gone through it before" or they've gone through it themselves. it's all bullshit. i don't pretend to understand anyone else's pain because i can't. i am incapable of understanding their pain. all i can do is draw on my own limited, biased experiences, which will never be enough because i can never escape the little box of subjectivity. neither can anyone.

neither can you. so shut up.

today i swam until i collapsed. and then i got up and went home. now i'm here. and i wish i wasn't. i wish i were somewhere else with someone else and dreaming some other dreams than the ones i've kept with me all my life. they were the only things that kept me going, i always thought they were some sort of youthful phase, i'd grow out of believing in impossibilities when i "grew up". it's been years and my head's in the clouds but i've never had wings.

agh. just got into a goddamn car accident. the rents will go ballistic that's for sure. who cares. i say this because i just smoked. a lot. maybe i should stop. it's becoming really difficult to breathe. but then again, this may be a good thing.

also, isabel's birthday is next monday. see, the reason i scuffed the car is because i went to atria to buy one of her fucking things. anyway, whatever. hopefully, i'll be able to acquire another by saturday so we can go ahead with the plan. 

my heart's not in it but don't tell.  

what's the point of trying to control me like that? i don't respond nicely to threats and violence even though that's practically all i've ever known. this is so damn ugly it makes me sick.

could someone just kill me? please?

fuck you. tell me what i am. tell me i'm worthless because i know it's the truth. your eyes tell the truth. you never do. why? i don't need to be spared. i need. i'm needy. do you know that? i need you. i need anyone. cause i'm weak. fuck that.