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 Cheers!!
We are well. Ok we are still a little nuts...but we manage to have fun in spite of it all.
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I am gifted in making things ok. I don't want to do it anymore. I have sorted and shuffled and analyzed and philosophized and I don't want to make it ok . I sort of wander through the days and everything seems stupid. I get lost easily and forget the small details of things I am doing It gets worse the more real it gets. What was dull and achy is a burning in my chest. Abby and I are both extra anxious. I mean a stranger seeing me would not know the burning in my heart or that grief settles in your joints. I wonder if every laugh will always catch just before completion like it does now. If every smile will be shadowed by the knowing that there is a missing that makes you forget to breath....or maybe just not want to put forth the effort.
The kids watch for this. They are extra attuned to me. I see them catch me as I head there. Mom are you ok? Mom it is going to be alright. Mom I love you. They keep pulling me back. Guess this is how it goes.
The memorial was sunday. It was really nice. Lots of family and friends showed up. It was informal and totally non traditional. Just us talking about her. I wrote her a long letter and read it. I hate speaking in front of people but was loud and clear and strong becasue that is what a mother does for her children.
I miss that crazy girl so much.
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 Big Sur This is where Max lives. Its is a forested area that over looks the ocean just south of san francisco.. He collects the mushrooms that grow there and sells them in town. He walks the beach to find jade and lives in a tent that someone gave him. He left me a message yesterday I cried for the first time since he left. I can't believe I gave birth to someone so brave and beautiful. And still I wonder ...what are you eating and do you have good shoes??and always....when will I see you again? |
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 I sure miss this guy.
Max wanders California doing...well whatever it is he does. He doesn't call very often but I know he is ok. I get messages via freinds sometimes.
Its never that I just miss his company...but I do...its also that I know he will be someone different when I see him. He is being shaped in ways that i am no longer privy too. I am hoping to go see him soon.
Love ya my son...Mom
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