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| undecidedi feel torn.
the more i seek perfection, the more i lose sense of the process, and the beauty of the unperfect-ness. but in a field where i feel like such perfectness is preferred, is sought after, is acclaimed, the more thats molding me into a person who is in the likes of such.
i hate myself for being this way. i hate myself for being the way i am, the way i act, and the things i say sometimes. i blame others. i blame things. i blame situations. but mostly i blame myself. i act like no ones the blame, that everythings fine, but when looked deep beyond, i can't help but wonder why i am sculpted the way i am.
is it the people im surrounded by, or is it the environment im in?
i truly believe in the end, you have no one else to account for but yourself.
am i just afraid to give myself to people, afraid they are going to let me down? or not even like me? that they'll think that i am not worth their time? is this part of the reason i try so hard not to let anyone down, be the most reliable person i can be, be the kindest, the most 'perfect' person possible? can i not trust anyone because of this reason?
i want to not care, but care at the same time. i don't want little things to matter so much and i want to be more carefree. laugh at things. let things go. but how can i be when everything is so contradictory when it comes to work? to being the perfect designer, employee? i feel torn. it shouldn't have to be so divided but i feel divided. i can't and don't want to be two different people. but i don't know which i want to be. i need to find a balance, but i find it so difficult to do so. why. please explain to me why.
im alone, and i want to be fine with that.
im scared to let people know anything about me or to know how i feel because i know they really don't care all that much. and if they do, they are just pretending.
im so scared. i need guidance. but im losing touch with Him too.
i don't know. why do i always lead myself into this when i can never get out. im never satisfied and i hate myself for it.
i want to be strong, and i am strong. and i am also pretending to be strong, and i am weak. how does this make sense?
i am looking for something that doesn't exist.
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| happyI am actually not sure if it is normal to be happy anywhere. I think
that I used to feel happy most of the time, when I was little, but now
I notice that being happy is more like an exception than what usually
happens. Sometimes I feel like the time when I was happy was sort of
like the time before I was born – like I wasn't even born yet, but I
didn't know it yet. I know I was happy living there, in some place I
don't remember anymore, but now I've been born already and there's no
way to go back. I was just wondering if you ever felt that way or not.
But you don't have to answer.
The World To Come by Dara Horn | | |
| reality"The only way we know it's true is that we both dreamed it.
That's what reality is. It's a dream everyone has together."
Calliope in Middlesex by Jeffrey Eugenides
i dont' know what happened to me. i used to be so thankful
for everything, i was grateful for all the little things that happened in my life. i was satisfied.
i was happy. but that feeling of pure bliss just doesn't even exist for me anymore. i
want to feel blessed again. i miss it. my heart aches so much for His
love, but i just can't seem to find it anymore. it hurts to the point
that i can literally imagine it bleeding. bleeding with longing for
Him. i just want to love life. i don't want to feel this way anymore. i
feel so incredibly oppressed, struck down. i get so angry,
competitive, and and get jealous over the smallest things. maybe its the
environment i'm in? everyone is getting so competitive that i feel like
i need to prove to them that im better in absolutely everything. do i really need to do that? i
just need some guidance. i dont know which where to turn. i hate the
person ive become. i dont even recognize myself anymore. im so
preoccupied with everything thats happening in my life that i
don't think about who i am anymore. i just go with the flow even though i just don't
want that sometimes. but i can't help it. it's like i've grown this outer shell that i want
everyone else to see and think thats who i am but its just the robot-ish person who i've been hiding beneath. i want to be this strong person that im really not.
maybe i am, but the stronger i want to be, the weaker i feel. im putting up
this front that i dont even know why im putting up. what do i need to
prove? i dont know. i have so complaints, but why. i want to change. i
want to change. ive been saying this for so long but i dont know how to
change. i feel like im always longing for this change to occur, but i
cant. lifes moving so fast i literally dont know when to. how
to. i just want to breathe.
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| i want more.
like, i really want more.
i want things to mean more.
i want to be doing things that mean really something.
something that has a real, meaningful purpose.
i want to deal with, interact with, and love people who really care about their conversations, time, and the kind of relationship they have with me.
i don't want to live with lies, shallowness, and untruthful feelings anymore.
i don't want to make myself feel apathetic towards certain things just because they want me to. i don't want to deny my feelings anymore.
i want real love.
i want passion.
i want to feel.
i want more.
i want to live, breathe, feel, experience life like i've never had before.
and i don't want anyone getting in my way.
if you can't join me,
then don't stop me.
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| sometimes a girl just needs to cry and let it all out.
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