Dating can be tedious.

Admitedly it can also be quite tedious to be so desperately lonely that you call emergency services at 1am for assurance that your not a figment of your own imagination. Or so crave the warm feel of a lovers touch that you soak your body in honey and stand next to a bee-hive. Or join self-help groups solely for the fleeting comfort of human contact, and the end of session group-hugs become the higlight of your week.

Dating, dating, dating.  

In the past people would just date whatever was nearest to them, like their Mum, a fork, the neighbours cat, the postman. Or, the priviledge of dating a young female would be auctioned off by their Father, for the princely (and reasonable) sum of a chicken or two.

...Don't knock it, divorce was unheard of in those days.  

But now people are increasingly turning to the internet. With this rejection is simplified by the click of a button, sparing the insipid awkward face-to-face dilemmas of how to nicely decline an individuals offer, without the need to mention its because "well basically, to be frank, it's never going to happen, albino he-shes just aren't my type." Or something similar anyway. You know the drill.

...Whilst photo-shop, like alcohol, has provided a new life-line for most singletons. There are a few other implications of dating online. But I can't quite fathom the motivation to list them. Nor am I particularly aware of them, principally because its not something i've experienced all too much. That was, until yesterday.

Now, I was a little apprehensive at first. I didn't want to go making any specific profile, or pay for any particular service, and I'd been warned about the serial wank-bandits. I wanted to 'test the waters' and see what was around. So I posted a few lonely hearts advertisements on Gumtree (the UKs equivalent to Craiglist.) They read as following: 

"32DD, Swedish blonde looking for wealthy males aged 80 plus, preferably on life-support and with no other surviving relatives." 

"Recently retired KKK leader, seeking afro-american wife."    

"Transvestite, 74, likes: sewing, bungee jumping, sado-maschoism, kids TV, bobsledding. Seeking-similar." 

"Repressed homosexual, seeking a pretend female partner to help in his efforts to get his family to accept him once more. Marriage will be required at some point as part of the facade of our relationship and its natural progression."   

"I've grown tired of my invisible friends, and my pschologist feels that human-interaction will be good for me. The mental home lets me out on Mondays between 15-00 and 16-00, so if your free then it would be nice to meet up. Love Scott, and the voices in her head."   

And then, when more confident in the system I wrote my own ACTUAL advertisement (well a tongue in cheek one anyway):

"Bored, procrastinating 21 year old student, with nothing better to do with his time than make up ridiculous lonely heart postings for his own self-amusement thinks it might be healthy for him to find a girlfriend. Recently recovered from a failed relationship with a giraffe, and looking to move on in life."    

I'm sad to inform you that I didn't receive any responses to my postings. This isn't to say people weren't interested (as I'm sure many would have been), but rather; my ads weren't posted, and my account on the site terminated by the administrators.

...and that really broke my heart (plus it totally screwed my original plan for this entry) 

edit1: I'm now trying the ads on Craigslist

edit2: This one here got accepted and is viewable.

edit3: 8 responses. Jeez, now I almost feel guilty for getting a few singletons hopes up. 

On the front page of Xanga is the search box. Below that are a selection of hot topics. These are the most commonly searched for words each day on this website.

...Unfortunately they fail to amount to anything of cutting intellect or real interest,  and instead imbue the imagination and stimulus of a 12 year old who can recite every Britney song word-for-word, but can't spell their own name without looking at the tag its wrote on that their Mother sowed to their sweatshirt in case it got lost.   

At current the hot topics read as: Lucy Liu, Jenna Fischer, and WWE.

Round of applause. Thats about as informed as using Jerry Springer repeats for an outlet on World current affairs.  

I think its about time the hot topics had a make-over. Not for the better, that would be far too sensible for my liking. But a change of focus from B-list celebrities would be nice. This is mainly for the following reason:

I have no life.  

Thus earlier today, I added a pulse inviting people to respond with any single word of their choosing. From the replies i've chose three suggestions that I'd like to see listed as hot topics within the next 24 hours. These are:

1) Soup (Story slut)

2) Slinky (VaultESL)

3) Lamp (Rachel).

To get these added to the hot-topic list I'd like to kindly ask for you to individually type (or copy and past if your fat-fingered and lazily inclined) them in to the search box found at the top left hand corner of my weblog.

Sound like a plan?

...good I thought so.

Next on my to do list: World Domination.

For the record i'm not convinced I have enough minions readers for this too work. But think it might be quite funny should it do so. Well, at least I'd laugh... 

Feel free to recommend if you think this is a really stupid idea and I need to get out more.

EDIT: Voting has now finished, so the links have been cut

My name is Dr Stanley and I am writing this entry on behalf of Dante Carax. He is my patient, and I his psychiatrist at Cloud-Cukoo Mental Institute. Earlier today my colleagues notified me of his continual use of our departments type-writers. Following an internal investigation we have checked the records of his online type-writer history and been led to this site, Xanga.

Mr Carax was first admited to the hospital in October 2005 by his pet Cat who could no longer care for him. Following our own psychological testing it was found that Mr Carax was grossly disillusioned. Principally he pertains that he is in love with a female Giraffe named Bob whom he met on an African Safari in the year 2025. Whilst at first glance the issue might seem of humourous value, it is in actual fact quite serious, and has developed in to an obsession for him.

His cell-room is covered in Giraffe pictured wall-paper, and he has a tatoo of the 'alleged' Bob on his left cheek. The nurses at the Institute have also of late reported further abnormal behaviour; he has been seen trying to force his own neck to lengthen, only eats leaves from trees, and attempted to bleache his skin to a 'yellow' like colour, this has resulted in him glowing in the dark.    

Following consultation with my colleagues at Cloud-Cukoo Mental Institute we feel the best way for him to overcome these false beliefs are to take him to Nigeria and prove that no such Giraffe named Bob exists, nor love him. Unfortunately following a cut in our centres annual budget with the Government instead deciding to finance the Albino he-she Awareness Programme we no longer have the necessary number of eprops to afford the various costs of such an expedition for Mr Carax. 

However after browsing this web-site on our type-writers it has become apparent that the winning prize for Xanga Idol is of the value of 5000 eprops, which would sufficiently cover the expenses of such a trip. Thus we are pleading for you to vote for him in the final of this competition so that he can be finally cured. 

We hope that this entry has touched a string in your heart, and that you will have the necessary level of sympathy to act in response. This will involve you going to this site HERE and pasting the following sentence in to the comment box:

"I am voting for CARAX as his psychiatrist told me to"

Mr Carax is clearly a human in desperation. Indeed as I write this he can be seen in the grounds of our Institute wrapped in tin-foil doing rolly-polies shouting "I am the king of the Jungle, and Bob loves me."

Please follow the instructions above and vote for him so that one day he can be released back in to society, or at the very least be reunited with Bob on our adventures, or find himself a new animal playmate. If you could also RECOMMEND this entry to further raise awareness it would be much appreciated.

Stay classy Xan-Diego.

Dr Stanley.    

ps1. I should also point out that this entry was wrote whilst heavily under the influence of alcohol having finished University with my final exam today.

Note to self: Remember to phone Mum later.

Garbage-men are like unicorns.

But of greater rarity, and less believable.

...ever seen one?

No, me neither.

Some conspiracies suggest they exist as mythical wardens of our thrown-away treasures. But the media and goverment prefer to feed us stories that our trash merely disolves in the rain when left outside our homes. Whilst the Bible asserts that just as God was 'the creator' he is also 'the disposer' and removes the waste from trash-cans. 

I've been doing some research on the topic. 'Trashmania' is its official term. This has led me to the works of Professor Stanley; the same woman who proved to the world Father Christmas was leading a double-life as a McDonald's employee, tracked down and interviewed The Bogeyman on youtube, and recently married Bigfoot, who is now pregnant with their first child. 

At the annual Garbage-Man Investigation Conference run by the United Nations the Professor spoke of her "eternal search" for the garbage-men and the "dedication for the last thirty years of [her] life to unearth their mystery." But her efforts have proved "heartbreakingly fruitless", with the Professor contending that "perhaps the riddle of their existance will remain unsolved within [her] own lifetime."

There have been numerous reported sightings of garbage-men throughout the history of time. The first realisations can be traced to drawings by cavemen on walls. Whilst some theologists claim that original transcripts of the Bible found amongst shelves at the Vatican describe that The Garden of Eden was populated not just by Adam and Eve, but also garbage-men to clear away after them. More recently, historians have argued that explorers such as Columbus and Magellen were not motivated by 'finding new lands' but instead 'finding the garbage-men' that sailors had spoke of. Indeed Columbus noted in his personal journals; "...finding America was the biggest mistake of my life. Period. I wanted garbage-men and all I ended up with was this trash."

Of late, most recent sightings have proven falsified, nothing more than hoaxes by attention-junkies. As I'm sure your aware, there are the famously doctored photo's by Oscar the Grouch. His interest in the matter was sparked following his role in Seasame Street, in which he lived in a trash can. His research however drew no conclusions and he was faced with considerable levels of academic criticism; in desperation to prove his cause he staged the scenes of a garbage-man collecting trash. He was villified for such feeble attempts when following closer inspection the individual in his film was merely his former colleague Big-Bird. In light of such embaressment, and the belief he had wasted his life  he committed suicide. Elmo found him dead in his trash-can with a parting note solely reading "The garbage-men made me do it." 

...some say the garbage-men know the meaning of life

...some say the real axis of evil is not; Iraqafghanesteran, France, and Luxembourg, but the garbage-men 

...some say Jesus was a garbage-man

...some say we are all garbage-men, but just don't realise it yet

Me, I can see a great deal of weight in such beliefs. But I can't quite get my head around the notion that if they do exist, then where do they put all their accumulated trash? Some speculators suggest there are junk-like heavens underground. I'm not sure I buy that though, it seems a bit of a silly place to keep it all.       

It took me two hours, three bottles of cider, and five cigarettes to write this, and it is owed to my housemate Chris, who came into my room this morning to tell me of his excitement of "seeing a garbage-man for the first time in about three years."

This entry is for Round 3 of Xanga Idol; wrote under the instructions of having to be "smart, witty, inspiring and interesting." I've thought for some time as to how this could be construed as inspiring, and decided that if I get at least one person to believe in garbage-men then I would have achieved something, and proved somewhat of an inspiration.

For Xanga Idol I don't have the time to shamelessly promote myself, and comment-whore/spam users of the this site for support, nor do I particularly want to do so. But if you liked this and it made you laugh then I'd really appretiate it if you could star and recommend the entry so as to raise awareness (of garbage-men that is.) 

Thanks for reading.

Love,

Carax & the Garbage-Men.

XANGA Press Release:

It has recently been drawn to the attention of members of the SEX Campaign that the entry Xanga Idolatry posted earlier this afternoon by Drakonskyr may raise concerns to the voting public as to the integrity and moral fiber of Dante Carax as a potential Xanga Idol. 

Implied has been the contentions that he has a habit to indulge in "forbidden lusts with long-necked African ungulate mammals" whom he allegedly likes to "royally fuck", and is as such placed on a "giraffe sex offender registry."

These allegations are a misappropriation of events that can be traced to his business trip of 2nd-10th May 2008 to Zimbabwe. Here he met with his brother, the democratically re-elected President Robert Mugabe. The trip was in part to celebrate Mugabe's recent political landslide victory of 43% of all votes, compared to the 47.9% of Morgan Tsvangirai. But was more specifically arranged for the two to organise a strategy for the SEX Campaign to win Xanga Idol, with Mugabe agreeing to be Carax's Campaign Manager.

Together they drew plans to usurp power and claim the competition as their own. Originally their strategic agenda consisted of 20 inter-related principles which if applied would guarantee success for the SEX Campaign.

Then on second thoughts they realised neither of them could actually be fucked to follow the principles, and instead concluded that Mugabes tried and tested methods of guerialla warfare would suffice, with any ensuing eprop hyperinflation, starvation/death of Xangans, holding rival contestants as political prisoners, and bleeding the website dry of natural resources to be considered an unfortunate but necessarry process for success.

Following this consensus between the two of them it meant the last day of Carax's stay in Zimbabwe was left free, and alongside political aides Rachel and ilsurvive they agreed a toast to their future success by going on a hunting trip across the Countries wild-planes to kill the most endagered species they could find, namely; dama gazelles, African elephants and foreign journalists.

At 14:00 of that day the four of them stopped for lunch; cooking up one of the lions Mugabe had chased and beheaded earlier with his chainsaw. Mugabe ordered three of his slaves who had joined the expedition to make a fire, and another six to tightly interlink arms in parrallel to one another so as to create a human ping-pong table, with another laying across the middle of so as to provide a net-like feature. Table-tennis alongside marbles is Mugabe's favourite sport.

The game begun in jovial fashion, but became increasingly competitive as they continued to play. Carax was pitted against Mugabe, and given the two were brothers rivalry between them has allways been fierce. On match point Carax launched a sliced-serve which made the ball bounce awkwardly on the back of the slave-made table and span wildly astray to lodge itself into the anus of a giraffe that they had earlier butchered with a lead-pencil.

This was their only ball.     

Which understandably caused a dilemma.

After much deliberation between the four of them Carax as perpetrator of the problem obligingly agreed to retrieve the ping-pong ball so as the game could continue. This thus involved implanting his hand inside the dead Giraffes arse, and given the ball had been hit with some force it therefore required him to forcefully fist his way through with both hands.

Whilst he was doing so Mugabe thought it would be funny to take a few photos of the whole debacle so he could later upload them to facebook. He did this the following day, and unfortunately his photo-album titled "Mi' English bruda' wid' and' up Giraffe's bottom 'ole" subsequently appeared on the British Priminster Gordon Brown's newsfeed. 

The matter was reported to the UK media, with Brown selling on the photo's for a tidy sum and promising the public that money raised from the sale would be used to support his new policy of emigrating all left-handed citizens.

On returning to the UK Carax was arrested and charged without fair trial and sentenced to 60 days community service in a zoo to learn to greater appretiate animals and had his name added to the growing list of registered 'giraffe sex offendors' which also includes Stevie Wonder and Miley Cyrus.          

Carax does not wish to speak publicly on the matter, and would rather consign it to the past, but did assert: "I did not have sexual relations with that giraffe."

The SEX Campaign is immensely thankful to the unwavering support shown by Drakonskyr, and hope he continues to endorse it's position, but it was felt necessarry to respond to his claims so as to remove any ambiguities  that might circulate.   

Please star and recommend this to help raise the profile of the SEX Campaign, and clear Carax's name of (unintentional) beastiality...

Love.

Carax & Mugabe

x

ps1. If your one of the six people on Xanga not already subscribed to Drakonskyr then please go and do so.

ps2. The SEX Campaign stands for 'socially excluded xanga' awareness, it is being run to promote Barry a homeless user of Xanga who never has any traffic on his site. Please see the entry prior to this one for greater understanding.