| for the few who still read this...i spent the last hour skimming through my old xanga entries. at first, reading the bad poetry and angry rants produced an uncomfortable twist in my stomach but the more i read, the less uncomfortable i felt. it was kind of like ripping a band-aid off - it's painful at first but once the whole thing comes off, you're wonderfully surprised by what you find underneath.
and here's the wonderful surprise i found underneath: i'm not that hateful person anymore! i used to be this thing full of rage, jealousy and self-pity - and now i'm not! viola! ha. it's hard to put this into words because i'm just so relieved to realize this! everything that i used to stress over and worry about seems so trivial now. yes, during high school, there were lots of days where i'd wake up with a heaviness on my chest and walk around the entire day feeling sad for no reason at all but now that i think about it, this doesn't happen as frequently as it used to. in fact, it hasn't happened in quite while now. i read these entries from three, four years ago, asking i'm ever gonna get through this rough patch, and it's such an amazing feeling to realize i have.
and my god the things i used to obsess over. mediocrity. not belonging to a group of people. feeling inadequate about my writing. all of that stuff seems so stupid now. even though i never quite reassured myself that my writing was good enough, it just doesn't bother me anymore. i tried it, it didn't work out, and i've moved on. as for "belonging" (i'd like to shoot this word in the face) to a group of people, jess gave me this advice almost 3 years ago:
jess: and not everyone is in a group
jess: there are lots of ppl who are alone
jess: some have a best friend
jess: some have 2 best friends
jess: etc
jess: groups doesnt come a lot
jess: and groups are usually a piece of dog crap anyway
why did it take me so long to finally get this? so i may not be in a "group" but i'm also not alone. i've been lucky enough to find people who are just as socially dysfunctional as i am and on top of that, they're willing to accept all the cuts and cracks that i come with.
when people used to tell me what i was going through was just a phase, i'd get angry and snap back, "are phases supposed to last years?!" i guess they do and this one's finally coming to an end.
so long story short - if you haven't seen or heard from me in a while (which is a good description of the people who still check this), i just wanna let you know that i'm finally content with what i have. i'd like to leave you with that and not an image of my former pitiful self.
i'm happy and i hope everything is also good on your end.
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