| | Eight hours isn't enough sleep. I doubt that twelve hours would be enough. Maybe twenty four. Winter always gets endless right around here and I'm trying really hard to believe in something or someone but it just gets more and more difficult. I wonder, is this related to people not being able to believe in me? I feel confined somehow and I should feel free. I want to believe in opportunities.
It's funny, there's my whole life ahead of me; I can't exactly see it but I know it's there. I've pretty much been successful in everything I've attempted, so there's no reason to believe that my life holds anything but success in some manifestation. Yet here I am, two AM, twenty-three degrees outside (that's Fahrenheit, of course), in a dark room feeling as though I am suffocating. There is some sort of disconnect happening here, but how am I supposed to remedy that?
Here's the question. Do I like who I am right now? I don't think this is who I imagined I'd be, but I can't say why. I was never as illusioned as most people; from a fairly young age, I knew that certainly by the time I was in college, I would drink, I would smoke, I would be sexually active, all those things that people never expected themselves to be, those are the things I knew I would be, I was fine with one day being. And I'm pretty and funny and smart and confident and all that shit. But that still doesn't answer my question. I don't know if I can answer it necessarily until I can more accurately pinpoint who I am exactly. Not that I'm going through some sort of identity crisis, just more so that I'm not sure what it is that makes some people love me and some people not. And I guess that's an important part of a person. I mean, is it just the person as a whole, the amalgamation of their various traits? Or is there some sort of consciousness, a soul, the rumored 21 grams we lose upon death? Something to recognize something akin, to give that instantaneous spark, something responsible for "true" connection between people?
I can relax around people, I can enjoy myself and feel comfortable and all that. But I don't know if I can quite give myself up entirely; I've long felt that I'm the only person I can truly trust to take care of myself. But I'm getting pretty effing tired of that. I'm not quite sure if there's another option.
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| | Posted 2/29/2008 2:04 AM - 0 comments
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