| | Dreams about a place and time where the sun doesn't go down; maybe I'll go to Barrow, Alaska during the summer solstice, take advantage of the 84 days of sunlight.
Pictures of other people make me feel funny. Like, here's all the fun everyone else is having that I'm missing out on. Which is a little bit ridiculous because I've probably been having just about as much fun as them, and they probably have all the same problems and doubts that I do. They still have break-ups and hangovers, tests and parents, drama and insecurities. I think the problem is that we (I hope it's not just me) always think someone else has it better in one way or another. But sometimes maybe we need to just appreciate what we have.
Maybe I'll get a new camera.
I've realized that I love random adventures, spontaneous decisions and last-minute plans. But I need to become the sort of person that makes those things happen instead of clinging to the people who are already that. I've always been best friends with those people; I love them because they will suddenly come up with a random idea, and they love me because I will always be up for it. And then I'm acting the best friend, the wingman, the sidekick. And it's weird to feel that maybe you're the sidekick in someone else's life instead of just the hero in your own.
I used to be able to pull beauty out of the most random things, to walk down a street and notice little details and to, almost subconsciously, arrange words in my head, flip through my entire mental lexicon in a moment to find the perfect ones to describe everything. And now I don't think I can do that anymore. I think I have to train myself to think like that again, and maybe it's like riding a bike with the muscle memory is still there and simple to retrieve, or maybe it's like learning a second language far past the critical period, when even a month without any studying or exposure means you have to completely re-learn almost everything from scratch. It'd probably be worth it.
I think I will start writing in here regularly again as an exercise. I'm pretty sure no one really reads this anymore, though that's never been a huge factor one way or another because this just is what it is, me getting whatever I need to out, being honest with the world in one way or another, nothing I wouldn't say to anyone who cared enough to ask because I can't really keep secrets.
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| | Posted 3/4/2008 1:29 AM - 0 comments
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