Reflections

Okay, so 2 years later and a high school diploma later xanga and I meet again. I have no idea if people even read this anymore but I had to put one more blog before I leave for college (by the way I'm going to De Paul FULL RIDE BABY!) Sitting here looking at my laptop and reading all these entries I never realized what a fool I was. I sounded so outrageous and embarrassing. I can't believe i spoke in that manner comes to show you what time can do to you. Honestly looking at these blogs I don't know the person is who was writing because the person I am now isn't definitely not the person who wrote two years worth of blogs. Living here in Grayslake and graduating has really put my whole life in perspective and at first I was very defensive and I always made the situation look like I was the victim but in reality I was the instigator and I blew a lot of situations out of proportion. So I don't blame anyone for not wanting to associate with me anymore. Life throws so many things at you but at the end it only builds character and that is what high school did for me. At first in my blindness it made me harden and become bitter inside but now at the end of it all I see the errors and mistakes I committed and I am not bitter or angry anymore. Now I feel a lot of guilt for those I hurt in my foolishness and arrogance. The truth is that I acted the way I did because I felt I needed to protect myself from society because I didn't want to seem weak and vulnerable. Unfortunately my arrogance hurt me more than if I would have been open with everyone from the geico. I can only apologize  for my actions and my  mistakes and its true what they say " What doesn't kill you Only makes you stronger" I believe now I'm a strong woman who is still going to make mistakes but not as foolish as the ones i have already committed. I feel it is my duty to apologize to certain people who I knew I hurt but was to prideful to admit. I would like to start by apologizing to Melissa Laureano, I was so paranoid that your friendship wasn't genuine when we met, that I made the mistake of not trusting you fully and it backfired, I lost a friend who I know would have stuck with me through thick and thin, Melissa you were such an amazing friend and I regret the way i treated you and it hurts to know I let go of an amazing friend. You were the reason I survived through freshman year. I wish things would've played out differently because I really REALLY want things to be the same when we were best friends. But we can't always have what we want,I can say losing your friendship is one of the few things in life i regret ever happening. So I'm So SORRY i hope one day we can be friends again and I hope you can forgive me because I know i was a arrogant pompous  fool with you. Please don't hold any grudges with me because its only going to make you bitter. The second person I want to apologize to is Marlena, I was a terrible person to you, Freshman year you were going through so much and I only saw my problems. I could have been a better friend to you and i could have been there for you when you needed me. I apologize for not being a nice person to you because I know sometimes i was very rude to you and i treated you like garbage and you didn't deserve it. A part of me feels horrible for not being able to be man up and apologize to you back then because if i would have there would've been a chance that we could still be best friends. You and Melissa showed me what real friends were and I took it for granted and at the end I lost two very important people. Finally I would like to apologize to Edwin, There are so many mistakes in the time I knew you, I was so over dramatic with you it sickens me to think about it right now, I was so defensive and paranoid with you that I became this gruesome monster that  I didn't even recognize myself. I could live a lifetime apologizing for all the drama I caused you but Its a little to late what is done is done. I wish one day if we see each other in the  street that we can stop and chat for a bit with no awkwardness but who knows what life has in stored. I made so many mistakes freshman year its sickening, I acted so trashy and vulgar I am not shocked that everyone hated me, I even hated myself. I wish so badly that I could mend the errors of my way and start all over with these people but we cant change the past we can only look to the future and use are past as a warning not to make the same mistake all over again. There is so much I feel bad for and I feel like I need to apologize to many people, so if i hurt you pleaSE forgive me I want you to know I am not that person anymore I let go of all the anger that was eating away inside me and Ive changed so please forgive me. I can only say sorry and hope people will forgive me but I want these three people to really know that you guys meant and mean a lot to me. There isn't a day that goes by that i wish badly that things were different and wish we were still friends . I really truly am sorry and miss you so much I still haven't found friends that compare to you three and maybe I will never just know that I miss you so much and i am so sorry. The one thing I can bring with me from High School is that we can't take friends or events for granted because we only live that day once and when you least expect it you are walking across the podium to get your diploma. I learned the hard way what it feels like to loose people you care about and I would ever wish that upon my worst enemy because it is very saddening to know that you will never gain that person back. I hope I don't sound to foolish I just had to let people know I am not the same arrogant person anymore and I hope people can see that. I really want to hear from old friends so please call me its refreshing to hear from a familiar face. My new number is 224- 723- 8047 i get text so if you even want to text thats okay to. So again I am sorry to everyone especially Melissa Marcy and Edwin. There isn't a day that goes by that i dont regret the things i did.

Currently Listening Lifehouse - Everything Everything see related

let me give u a quick update got straight a's on my report card i passed all my finals with 90% or above ummm here things are okay ive realized that i have panick disorder but its very mild... umm  OH YAH HHHAAAAPPPPPYYY BIIIRRRRTHHHH DAAYYY MELISSA and HAPPY EARLY BIRTHDAY EDWIN!:) umm azn is a lil hoe lol naw i <3 him!!! skoo is almost over and im soo hapy so yh my digits are 322-2979 gimme a holla whenever!!!!

muahahha

~::*HaZe*::~

IVe come to realize i have no patience i have MAJOR anxiety issues and even BIGGER anger isssues lol well guess what i dont give a flying f&*k naw jp im workin on it uhh im stressed out finals are coming and i have a major essay due and for architecture class i have to make a floor plan of my house BUT damn there are so many walls and rooms its gonna take me FOR EVER! i cant wait till january 22 semester ends and i get straight a's lol i like conceiding about that now lol....oh well man its necessary i update sooner i'll try my feeloo people! ooohhh IAN I AM SOOO SORRY i told u i had HORRIble AIM!  i still dont understad y ppl trust me with things lmfao im soo convincing lol gosh i feel so much livelier and happier now!?! do u noe y!?!? cuz I LOVE IAN! eeekk uh i had detention today it was a drag! and i have detention on thursday and on tuesday of next weekk immm gonna be sooo bored oooho next week i dont have skoo monday and wed thrus and fri are half days wed i leave at 10 thurs at 1230 and fri i start at 10 leave at 1230 damn I LOVE MY SCHOOL im sooo hyped ohh.. man i remember i WANA make a lil shout out to rick and joe's family im sorry joe and rick passed away there in a bntter place now!:( and yah joe and rick were friends from school who crashed on fri and passed away .. skoo is deprressed at the moment but well see things through aahhh i should be doing an essay at the moment so ill check later

~::*HAzE*::~

since every1 keeps askin my skoo is the lamest thnig possible!

i think its time for an update hmm.... im out of school and enjoying it like no other.. umm went to lp on friday saw a lot of ppl sum i wanted 2 c others i didnt. um xmas was aight nothing big jus chilled wit da fam. umm this whole week ill b in chitown so if n e of u wanna hit me ^ mayb we can chill yest had a good convo wit someone it was something we needed to get out the way but now i feel : you saw right through me saw all the pain that came along with me why did you leave me alone to cry? now i see that it wasnt my past that hurt it was you leaving and knowing you'll never be mine.

and yah thats life

~::*Haze*::~

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