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dcrocks
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Name: Maggie
Country: United States
State: Pennsylvania
Metro: Doylestown
Birthday: 9/5/1983
Gender: Female
Interests: Praising God in everything that I do, singing, art (destroy, recreate, and over-analyze is my motto), rocking out, reading the classics, buffing up on random trivia
Expertise: Accepting others despite their differences and being there for people when they need me the most.
Occupation: Student
Industry: Art
Message: message meEmail: email me
Website: visit my website
AIM:  dcrocks33
Member Since:
1/25/2004
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| its just meaningless stuff.there's much that has gone on through my head recently and, trying to make sense of it all, i just lay here baffled. the last 24.75 years i have sat back and watched things happen in front of me with little to no sense to make of it. like today i was walking in the mall past the stench of hollister that i still cannot get out of my nose. upon approaching i heard a loveable little switchfoot song entitled "american dream." the whole point of the song is talking about how everyone in america is so caught up on making more money and getting more stuff and THAT has become the image of the american dream, when in reality the true american dream was far different from that. i find it ironic that the epitome of what is making kids these days feel a little bit more popular (such as a clothing label) showing that they have money (more like their parents do) is playing that particular song in their store.
sure...i was in the mall too, we all have to go for one reason or another. i, personally, was there to return a few things that i realized i just didn't need after all. i've been realizing the things i have haven't really ever been that important to me and i think its because i want to empathize with people and understand where they come from. just what would it be like if i didn't have my stellar music collection. what would i plug into my ears every chance i get? if i didn't have the option to choose between which pair of shoes to wear (which is a large task for me as i have somewhere between 40-50 pairs of them which i have collected since high school).
we spend our entire lives accumulating more crap for everyone to sort through after we die, when, really, we just don't need it. in the book i'm reading (see previous post for link: the irresistable revolution), one of the points made was based on a ghandi quote which was that the world shouldn't have any poverty at all because there is enough of things in the world, there are just some people taking more than their share. think about it, how many pair of shoes do you own and how many kids in the slums do not have the luxury of something as simple as a pair of shoes? the answer to both is a lot.
i once asked a friend (to make conversation) what is the first thing he would grab if his house were burning down. expecting him to answer with something like his collection of baseball cards or photos or something he said the most remarkable statement. "nothing," he said. really...nothing? "nothing. because anything i can think of is just meaningless stuff anyway." wow. personally i had thought of photos or some art i've made or something of that description, but why? art can be regenerated (its not easy, but it can be done) and photos are just snapshots of memories that are permanently in my brain storage space. so, he was right. very right. we shouldn't want to grab anything because "its just meaningless stuff."
i want to get to that point where i can truly and honestly say "nothing because its just meaningless stuff." | | |
| embracing my radicalism.well, here i am in atlanta. i've been here since saturday and i still have a week until i make the long drive back home with my dad and brother. i left a lot of things uncertain when i left, an unfinished conversation that got me thinking more about my life and its state lately and a lot of things swirling around in my head that i actually have time to sort through. first thing is first, camp was incredible, but hard for me this year for multiple reasons. this past year has been nothing short of life-changing, but its left me with a lot of unanswered questions. while at camp i mostly stuck to myself, often was found sitting alone not really wanting to talk to many people and didn't connect as easily with others as is customary for me at camp. while most would see this as a bad thing i realize now (and did then) that it was necessary. i realized quite a few things in my quest for answers and clarity and i'm going to share them. mostly for my benefit though so i can read back over this from time to time. 1. i cannot change the way things have happened in my life as of late (in regards to a situation that i'll skip the specifics on) and the other person involved cannot either. these are the cards we are dealt right now and we just have to take it, as hard and sucky as it is. 2. focusing on said situation is not the way my head should be. i should be focused on God alone and how i will serve Him aside from my own personal issues i'm dealing with (ie. job, living situation, etc). 3. the best way to snap out of my rut is to get back on the horse. i fell off a while ago and didn't ever hop back on i just lazily held the reigns and walked along side. 4. i have been incredibly unhappy lately and, no, i don't know why, but i'm guessing a lot of it has to do with all the uncertainties in my life. there are so many and with so many it is really hard to be excited about anything because i'm always worried about where i'll go next. the bottom line is, i need to trust God a whole heck of a lot more than i do right now because i basically suck at it. i need to stop doubting that He'll be there to catch me and just take that leap of faith and jump all in. God will not let me fail and if so, there is a reason for it and i believe in that completely. 5. i love you and if that means having to let go for a while then so be it. we both have things swirling around us and no sense can be made. without sense i find it really hard to even consider anything else. (i'm being vague and i like it that way.) ------------------------------------------------------------------ secondly, i have been reading a wonderful little book that people have been telling me to read for a year now, but i ignored them. now that i've been reading it its really validated my feelings on the church, my role in the church and how i can really effectively be used as a minister and a lover of God's. its called the irresistable revolution and you should check it out if you haven't already because even if you don't consider yourself an "ordinary radical," you can still read it to figure out why it is we think the way we do (i'm going to get a copy for my dad i think...). ------------------------------------------------------------------ thirdly, i am going back to school. its scary because i don't have any idea how the heck i'll pay for it, but i want to do this and i will do this. i'm scared...really scared, but i just have to trust Him that it is going to work out. ------------------------------------------------------------------ fourthly, elena and i are going to start our own business in a year or so if all goes according to plan. sure, me being in school could make it challenging, but we are going to do this because we are kindred spirits and its crazy how alike we think on the whole thing (and basically everything else). you may all think i'm a little crazy (you're probably right), but i don't care and she doesn't either. if you would like to join our artist revolution, please let us know. | | |
| its amazing at how profound i get when i can't sleep.i won't get into it, but i've had another letdown recently. this wasn't as much of a blow, but that's probably because i looked at the whole situation like it wouldn't go my way anyway. where has my wide-eyed optimism gone? i just don't know. i miss it. a lot.
in no way am i attempting to make people sorry for me or anything, but i feel like i just don't know what i want out of life anymore. not in that "i think i'll just kill myself" kind of way. but in that, "what the hell am i doing with my life" kind of way. i don't even really know what i want to do anymore. i come up with all these ideas and either don't follow through or don't have the slightest idea how it would even be possible. i change my mind like the wind changes direction and most people view it as being immature when it is, in fact, me having a lack of commitment for anything. i thought about this the other day and it all makes so much sense now. for example, like every "relationship" i've had, whether official or not, hasn't lasted longer than a month or 2. wow. that is just one part of my life, but its like that in everything. i couldn't tell you how many boyfriends i've had that have only lasted a week. i used to think it was because i just know what i want, but the truth is i don't have a freaking clue, i just was looking for excuses to get out. and the ones i didn't end were my fault anyway because i set myself up to fail way too much.
i was told once that i will start a bunch of projects and get bored and not finish them. and i was all indignant saying, "no! i finish everything i do! and way early at that." really? because that huge stack of books i have that are half-read are really looking appealing. and that painting downstairs i started, but never finished isn't getting done anytime soon. growing up, when i first started playing softball, my dad was teaching me how to throw and hit. he always said, "you must always follow through." while my bat swing and my throwing arm both follow through quite nicely, that's pretty much the only thing that has seen the end. i get bored so quickly with things and then i jump somewhere else and if i can't then i'm so miserable.
maybe i just need to get off my ass and stop being so lazy, for starters. secondly, finding the joys in the in-between. it might not be pleasant, but i could at least try to enjoy it, right? thirdly, working on my attention span may not be a bad idea either. its clear i don't have much of one.
and you can think i'm all down on myself all you want. the truth is i'm unhappy with life and i'm trying to figure out why. the least you assholes could do is stop talking about me on the phone like i don't know or hear what you are saying. because "typical maggie" being sad and "thinking the world hates her" is a bunch of bullshit. do you realize how badly that hurts my feelings? but its clear you don't give a rip about anyone's feelings but your own anyway. i just wish you actually read this because i don't think i could say this to you or you'd over-react and think i hate you (which may, or may not be true....i haven't decided yet). | | |
| on my jones soda cap.
"A distant romance will begin to look more promising."
if only that were remotely true. | | |
| 1 john 5:14-15"this is the confidence that we have in approaching God: that if we ask anything according to His will, He hears us. and if we know that he hears us - whatever we ask - we know that we have what we ask of Him."
oh. its that easy? i just have to ask for it.
i'm pretty sure the rut remains, but i'm climbing out of it slowly. work has been nothing short of annoying lately with a ridiculous situation that is swirling around me. i think back a little more than a year ago when i left orlando for a very similar reason (among other things) and to this day i still do not regret that decision as so many said i would. i may not have a real job yet, but that drama was bringing me down so much. it broke my spirit the way people were treating one another and what broke me more was that all of my efforts were looked at as unacceptable and i nearly got fired for it. its a ridiculous world we live in that those people who try to do the right things are constantly the ones persecuted against.
while the current situation is not as severe, it is borderline heartbreaking. i just don't appreciate being gossiped about and it should not be something seen as acceptable in the workplace no matter where you work. i've said my grievances to those i have been linked to, but i still feel like its not enough. i'm considering talking to my manager about it, but, not that she is insensitive, i just don't think she'll care. i do my best to get along with everyone even if my first impression of someone is not that great. i don't like not liking people, but there are some making it incredibly difficult to like them. especially when they are nice to my face and turn around when i'm not there and talk about me.
it literally makes me want to puke sometimes that in our culture today this is something that is common. why? since when was tearing others down and breaking their hearts a good thing? i know my situation is the smallest of things, but right now at this moment it is the one thing that is affecting my demeanor. the way i see the world. i gives me little to no hope that the world doesn't suck and that, my friends, is not okay.
i just need to ask Him for help. | | |
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