Happiness

I guess when life seems to get you down all the time, you can't help but smile sometimes.  fate seems to be trying so hard to make you miserable, and yet makes herself miserable for trying instead- because for some infuriating reason, she just can't win.  Who would have thought you could cheat fate?  But really, lets be honest: is having a positive attitude every day, really doing that?  I mean, you get up, stick a smile on your face, and hey! everything just seems to get a little better- even if the day is supposed to turn out miserable.  The rain pours- let's dance.  The sun shines- it fees great.  It's cold- let's go curl up with each other.  It's snowing- let's go make a snowman together.  You got a bad grade- let's study so we'll do well together next time.  You're not feeling well- I'll make you something.. s!  its like returning to the light in my life has instantly made everything have a positive outcome, no matter how horrible you may feel.  Right now, i feel like the world was handed to me, and now i'm taking care of it.  The massive cracks are healing as i shield it, growing smaller each day- and the surroundings brighten to a polished gleam, happily displaying their beauty.  Even when storms appear in the horizon- they shower and give life to the growing wealth below it- helping them grow.

       I've stopped counting the days, taking them as they come to me, loving their each minute, adoring the hour.  One moment gives way to a heartbreaking other- thousands of things are happening each second.  I'm embracing each thing, learning of them before, sometimes even after they happen, soothing the newfound hunger in me to know.  I want to know everything.  I want to see everything. Your mind, the way you feel and the reasons behind the actions.  I love kissing the sadness out of your eyes, and squeezing the anger out- leaving nothing but the smile.  That smile i love to see so much, it reveals everything about you; sadness, happiness, lust, love, anger, eagerness...its like a stream rushing by- never there for longer then a moment.  And my love for it is boundless. My wings glow gold, and my eyes shine every colour, following you, my friend.  Helping you as you walk by and stumble, pulling you up.  I want you to succeed-- i want you to feel what i do, and have absolutely no understanding of it, just as i do.  I want you to jump, and never land.  I want the water to come rushing out, and hear a scream of triumph as it turns to liquid gold from your eyes.  The joy coming out in thick strands of ivy- clinging for everything in its past, making the defenses crumble under its slow but steady work.

    I feel as if my heart if to burst from my chest and strangle me, leaving me breathless and exhilarated in its wake- hoping it will.  I swing from branches, and fly over tree tops- my feeling is endless as the plains, deep and penetrating as your thoughts, and higher than even the most loyal junky.  The adrenaline is overflowing- i should bottle it for you, if i could. Running, walking, limping, jumping, screaming, crying, flying, saving, falling, twirling...i could go on forever, even after my body has exhausted its reserves.  I don't want to fall out of this rift i have willingly put myself into, i don't want to let go of the source of all these feelings and emotions.  I won't.  I can't.

I love you.

just when you think...

...everything couldn't be better.

Life goes and fucks you over one.  how is it, when a puzzle piece is placed in the final place, the one you've been working on for monthes,  the cat suddenly comes in and trashes it, and for good measure, bites you.    Life sucks, but its twin always smiles.  Everyone now a days is using mobridity as a weapon.  "if you do this, i'll cut myself" "if you do that, i'll kill myself"  when did this become popular????  the whole new thing about "emo's" and "goths", wtf? at least they're not dropping down dead like all the little country club kids are! i mean, christ! i cut myself before it was cool! BLOOD LOSS ISN'T COOL PEOPLE. scars, emotional and physical, aren't cool.  they aren't war wounds you can go and show off to your friends, fuck man....get soem sense knocked into your head!  Shit happens, and when it does, wheteher your ready or not, grin ad bear it, cuz when it comes down to it, it ill always be "survival of the fittest and toughest"  people who won't stand up for themselves aren't going to make it! or who back down and let everyone take advantage of them, aren't going to make it.

   every human has the right to obtain happiness, you just have to be strong in getting through the brambled bushes that are that path.  road blocks come and go, but one day, its gonna start clearing up, and the sun will shine brighter every day you go.

I'm tired of being that person for everybody else.  live with it.  I'm gonna make my life into something i'll be proud of.........will you?

well...its been a while, i'll grant you that, and alots changed too.....well..not really, maybe, who knows?  the rain outisde my window is matching my mood at the moment ; dreary.

    I'm so tired of everyone getting on my case, and now i'm changing school, and all the people i usually hang with, have, in some cases, totally forgotten me. Yes, ladies and gents, i am offically transferring schools to go to Central Dauphin East.   

                                                              Joy.

    All my life, i have always tried to be  the good girl, and now I've had enough.  I'm not going to hold back what i feel, i'm not going to hold back what i think, even if you may believ it to be rude or uncaring, its just usually the truth.  Go Figure.  I've lived my life as a lie, and i don't want to do that anymore.  I've (more or less) been partially myself when all my friends are around, but theres always that little niggling thought in the back of my head that just doesn't feel right. that one part that wants to come out ,but i won't let it. i think that maybe its time i stoppped being what everyone else wants me to be. and start being who i am, not what i want to be either, my parents want me to be, or anyone else. and frankly, if you don't like that...tough shit.

I am a question to the world
Not an answer to be heard
Or a moment
That's held in your arms

And what do you think you'd ever say?
I won't listen anyway
You don't know me
And I'll never be what you want me to be

And what do you think you'd understand?
I'm a boy, no, I'm a man
You can't take me
And throw me away

And how can you learn what's never shown?
Yeah, you stand here on your own
They don't know me
Cause I'm not here

Chorus:
And I want a moment to be real
Wanna touch things I don't feel
Wanna hold on and feel I belong
And how can the world want me to change?
They're the ones that stay the same
They don't know me
Cause I'm not here

And you see the things they never see
All you wanted I could be
Now you know me
And I'm not afraid

And I want to tell you who I am
Can you help me be a man?
They can't break me
As long as I know who I am

Chorus

They can't tell me who to be
Cause I'm not what they see
Yeah, the world is still sleepin while I keep on dreaming for me
And their words are just whispers and lies thatI'll never believe

Chorus

I'm the one now
Cause I'm still here
I'm the one
Cause I'm still here
I'm still here
I'm still here
I'm still here

-the goo goo dolls, "I'm Still Here"

A Life less Ordinary

 I wish with all my heart i didn't have a life less than ordinary.  But what is "ordinary", exactly.  Is it the cookie cutter houses with the perfect little families living in them, who never fight about anything and get along all the time? Or is it the opposite....the families that fight when the disagree, or even agree, who leave toys in their front yard for all to see and speculate "What the hell is that used for?" .  Many questions, so little time to answer them.

   What does one do, when another insults them, so when they walk, they can't help but look at the ground in shame as they mull over the now constant thoughts of sadness that run through the mind, of betrayal......what makes this right?

   "As i run through the valley of the Shadow of Death, I shall fear no evil....."  And yet it is all around us at all times, pushing us in its infinite direction, willing us to choose it's path, closer to him, enclosing us in a shadowy embrace that allows the fake death of sleep take over for eternity.

   Thoughts are running amok in my minds eyes, seeing the worlds in eyes that only i can see, only i can paint them, they show only in my hands work and toils, only to fade with time, to be rediscovered anew centuries later by another so like myself. And yet...so different.

    Our choices create our paths of the future.  Guided by our own decisions.....our choices.  We create our future.  We create everything, even the past, that was once a hopeful future, turned into a misty mirror only the gifted may seek.