i'm so sick of looking this gross.

seriously. no food for as long as I can stand it. I should be at my goal weight by now. But I'm just weak and stupid.

Hopefully, I'll get over that and start making progress. This is just ridiculous.

wednesday i saw one of my favourite bands, Coheed and Cambria.

and sure enough, Sean, my exboyfriend (whom I dated for like, forever) was standing behind me in the line to get in.

And he was holding a guy's hand.

Ahhhhh man. SEE. I'm a terrible girlfriend. I make my boyfriend's turn gay.

Oh well.

he came up to me and asked me to punch him in the face. I told him to go away.

On a lighter note, I'm in shape! Weight training has been amazing, and I'm actually able to run a mile in about 9 minutes... which is good for a girl who has been smoking for 3 years and is close to malnutrition. lol.
I've been having at least 1000 calories a day. I know it's gross, so much for the whole 200-calorie-a-day diet I had planned out. I was doing sooo good until Sean and I broke up. Which is no excuse to eat, I know I know.

But I'm slowly getting better about it, and collecting my self control back piece by piece. Today I've had a banana smoothie, which was just 1 banana and ice. Big tall glass of it, only 100 calories and it definitely filled me up.

Gaven has been driving me crazy. Writing me poems signed in his blood. Giving me teddy bears sprayed with his cologne. Calling me constantly, clingy as ever. I'm kinda freaked out... I just want space! And um.. freedom ? Haha.

I hope everyone is doing okay. I'm sorry I never update anymore, I've just been such a failure lately, it's embarrassing.

i am falling apart... ugh!

like not only has my self control just completely left me,
but i'm an idiot. still ugly as ever. with no possibly way of even hiding it anymore.

i can't stand myself. i really can't.

hello.

well. yesterday was nice. i came home exhausted, and fell asleep immediately. so from about 3pm - 5am, i was sleeping.

didn't eat anything but a small apple at lunch that day. god it was so nice.

today, i had a binge, followed by one of the worst purges i've ever had. blood included. ugh. i jumped in the shower afterwards, sitting on the bathtub floor and crying.

i'm so sick of this :(

i'm so disgusting.

and today... god. Gaven.

he waited for me in my English class because i was running late. he set up my name in pink rose petals on my desk, surrounded by lots of red rose petals....
i walked in, completely oblivious of what was going on,
and he got up, red-tie and formally dressed, and asked me to homecoming... offering a rose and a nice hug.
with all eyes on me, i couldn't resist.

why does he like me so much. there's a carbon copy of me in the school, why doesnt he just go after her ?
all the girls were saying, " i wish my boyfriend would do that for me..."

he's not even my boyfriend.
i don't deserve him.
and i didn't deserve that.

i'm grateful though. very. and it definitely made my day.
i still can't understand why such a beautiful boy like himself is going after the ugliest girl in the whole school. god.

i hate how i'm falling for him too.
he's so lovely,
and i'm just pulling him in.

i'm going to leave in december.
plus i'll break his heart if he knew who i really was.
bulimic smoker.
i can't trust anyone. i can't fall in love anymore.
and i won't have sex with him. haha. that will definitely drive him away.

but god, is he lovely.

i am 16 today(sept 17). and as a birthday present to myself, i'm going to loose a massive amount of weight. i know it will take a long time, but i need this.

tomorrow my dad is taking me shopping. i will pick nothing but frozen veggies up. along with flavoured water if it's cheap. i already have vegetable broth, along with peppermint tea. now all i need is some smokes and i'll be good to go.

sean called friday night when i was with gaven.

-sigh-

i'm so sick of this. i'm completely destroying myself. physically, emotionally, and eventually academically because i'm starting to not give a shit about my life or whatever career i end up with.

i want to be done with everything. i want to curl up under my covers and stay there for days.

tonight i went to see a few bands for my birthday. 
wow... one of the guys that was there... 
he was so tiny.
we had the same pair of jeans, but he looked 1000 times better in them.
he was perfect. skinny waist, thin legs with knees poking out, prominant jaw bones 
& amazing arms &wrists.

sometimes, i wish i was a boy. haha. stupid hips.

i'm exhausted, good night.