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| HiHere I am again. Ohh jazanga. I'm starting to miss having you like I did in high school. Although, I'm glad high school's over. But I wish I still had that "childhood innocence". Thanks a lot, Mr. Radenbaugh, for shoving 118 books down my throat freshmen year, all of which centered on that damn theme. Gawd.
Anywho, it's ninth week, strangely enough. I don't really believe it but so it goes. Apparently that means finals in two weeks. YES. I think I'm in denial ... I can't wait for this quarter and these classes to be over. I've met alot of new people this quarter, most of them Pikes, and I'm glad for it. Like I said, it's been an interesting quarter ... I had a good time with it and I think it helped me move on from a lot of things. The trouble is that I hate endings. I hate it when anything ends. Anything. Especially when it isn't my choice. You see, I like to be in control and when other people make decisions for me, I don't handle it well. It's been a couple of days now and I can't stop thinking about things I'd like nothing more than to forget. It's a tough spot to be in, when you don't want something to end and there isn't really a need for it to, but it does anyways. I'm confused too, don't worry... Regardless, I guess I could look at it and be upset and wish it hadn't happened. OR, I could be mature and be glad I met new people and had a good time and found a way to move winter quarter along. It's just frustrating. But fuck it, right? Ok.
Like I said, it's been an interesting quarter. I find myself having to deal with things I never thought I would have to deal with, but such is life. Also, what's depressing is that I seem to have completely lost faith. Not only in God, but in humanity. My sisters haven't been getting along and it seems like everyone's pretty much either given up or completely backed down ... while I feel left to fix everything in the middle. The male race in general hasn't proven itself very reliable. I seem to fall for the same type of guy more than once, which is a problem I think can be solved by abstaining from male contact ... but who wants that? I mean, apparently I have lesbian tendencies when I'm intoxicated, but who doesn't ... right? Right? .... that's not an option. Not to mention the fact that i thought it would be a GOOD idea to go to an 80% male engineering school... yet another reason I should've gone to UMich. And I tend to get slightly emo when I'm in moods such as this but can you blame me? Well, unless you're me and know what I'm dealing with all at once these days, no. But otherwise, I can't blame me either. For now I'll just look forward to the little things that seem to change weekly, and try and do what I can to hope that I get a little inspiration soon. Like I said, I've completely lost faith and no matter how hard I try, I can't find what I need to believe in something good. I'm sick of love, and lust even. I'm sick of having feelings and worrying about someone else's. If they can't bother to be concerned with mine then why the hell should I want to put in the effort to make someone else happy? It doesn't make much sense ... I've kind of been hiding behind it for this whole quarter but it's helped me get past what I needed to get past. Now I'm kind of left with the old pieces and the new ones and I'm not real sure which go where ... but such is life I'm told and I just can't wait for what's next. Because I know there's something that's next, I'd just like to know when it's gonna show up. I don't do this "sitting around" thing well. I have no patience. And I need a constant change of scenery. I need something to make me happy continually.
It's coming, I know. But until then, I've learned not to let people in. Whether they want in or not, I can't do it anymore. It's too hard to handle. Also, I've apparently developed this large fear of commitment, to anything. Bummer.
But I think we're all broken somehow. And usually this would be the part where I throw in one of my favorite inspirational deep-thinker quotes, but I've got nothin. Like I said ... no more faith left. Ohhhh life.
Don't get me wrong, I've got my happy moments. Yesterday I was incredibly hyper at practice and chapter and today I've been slightly giddy. It's just the times I'm left to my own devices that It goes a little downhill. But tonight's Tuesday which means skyline/margarita night at Pike with Sam so that will cheer me up a little ... or at least get me buzzed enough to distract me 
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| So here I am againThere's usually a reason that I start writing in my jazanga again. This time is no different.
Am I naive? I feel like I am. I mean, I must be. People walk all over me, and in my opinion, abuse the friendship I give them. Multiple times this has happened to me, in similar ways. It just makes it harder to trust people. I wanna be there for them and be able to let people use me in a sense, but I feel like that gets taken advantage of. If you must make me look like the bad guy in order to convince your girlfriend that I'm just a friend, that's fineeeee but please don't lie about it, it's really not a big deal. Fess up to it so I don't hear it from her 2 weeks later when she decides to be pissed and drag me into your drama. Also, don't lie to my face when I ask you about it. It's really just easiest if you tell me that you had to do it and that I shouldn't take it personally. Don't try and make me feel like it's my fault PLEASE. There's few things worse than thinking you have a nice friendship with someone, and then hearing things you have trouble believing are true. Did you really say that about me - more importantly, did you mean it? I deserve to know, because if you meant it then why the fuck are we still pretending to be "friends"? Ugh, I don't want to be in the middle of things. If I need to back off, I wish I could just be told. I'm no good at making that decision on my own, because I hate ending things. I hate change as far as relationships go. Especially, when it's my choice ... I just wish I could feel that connection with someone and not have to experience the above situation. And why can't people just tell each other how they really feel? I hate fake people, really. What's the point? Why act like you like someone when you don't? Are you getting anything out of that relationship?
I don't feel like I really know what I want. I think I know ... but I know I have no idea what will truly make me happy. That's not anything I want or need to be thinking about at the moment ... I can't sleep.
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| So sometimes I feel a little bit pathetic and taken advantage of. That's when I decide to sever ties altogether from whoever is making me feel that way, except without telling them. I just do it. And they normally don't notice. Which, you would think, would lead me to believe that I was in fact being taken advantage of. Instead, I usually forget about the severed ties and within 2 days, I realize that I haven't talked to person X in a while and decide to. This loop is never ending. I need an alternative method. Can't I just get what I want? What's so hard about that?!
School's school. Fall break is soon and I'm excited to get off campus for a few days. Not excited for the driving however, but I miss my parents.
That's all I had to say today.
Oh, except I can't wait for Pref Party on Friday and BID DAY on Saturday!! New Delta's!! How exciting ... I can't wait :)
Yesterday I should have gone to the Career Fair, except I didn't. I want to do something BE related this summer ... no more lab job on dishwashers at Whirlpool please. BORING. I think I'm afraid of being rejected by all ... 3 BE companies that show up ... all of whom are looking for anything but BEs. How nice. Ugh, I will go next quarter. I feel like I should hook up with some of my networking people first and get a jump start, it could help.
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| I seriously can not stay here anymore. I am going insane, and I feel hopeless. Seriously, I know that Sunday will come but good God what is taking it so long!? I am so impatient right now ... I remember this feeling from last year. But I forgot how intense it is. Ughhhhhhhh come onnnn. Last night I got the speakers I wanted - they were on sale! And I didn't have to buy them, either. Which was a big shocker, but hey I'll take it. My duvet cover came in the mail too, and I slept with it last night  I love it. Love love LOOOVE it. In other news, Doreen still isn't back at work, and I'm still not doing anything at all at work. Awesome. I'm bored off my ass and at this point I'm seriously wondering why I even have to come here. I could be getting so much sleeping, packing, sleeping, tv watching ... sleeping .... done at home. I'd still be facebooking non stop and checking my email every 5 seconds so what the hell is the difference?! Must ... keep ... working ... I just need to get set up at school. If I could scream I would. I'm about to leave for "lunch". Which will probly be oh about ... two hours long today. Yesterday we took a long lunch and went to El Rodeo with some other interns. Best time I've had the entire summer at work haha ... for some reason Meeky Beeky and Pshah decided to be afraid for their lives when I was driving. WHATEVER, that was ridiculous. I've never seen someone get so scared about brake lights before ... a mile away. Good God haha it was ridiculous, but it made me laugh haha. So I took a long lunch yesterday and then left an hour early, but no one's said anything about it. I've been thinking about leaving early today too so that I can tan and run before I pitch and still make it to Erin's tonight to see everybody. I haven't tanned since Friday and my mother asked why I was so "pale" ... thanks, she and I have been getting along lately, I love it .... not. So I need to do that obviously. This week's afternoon schedule has been a little hectic planning for me. I just have a lot of things come up that I want to do and not having pitching days laid out doesn't help. Hopefully I can pull off the whole packing thing between Friday night and Sunday morning, because it isn't looking good for any other nights. Meh, I'm sure I can. Time for lunch, I'm starving. | | |
| It's not over till ... a paragraph AFTER I say it's over.I've just passed the past hour drawing on people's "graffiti" walls on fbook. That was quite entertaining, I feel addicted. I need more people to add it though, so I have more walls to draw on. LAME, I know. You think that's bad, you should hear what else I've done today haha ... Yesterday after work I went to Planet Beach and good god are they expensive. After his hour long explanation of tanning and their beds and everything else imaginable, he told me the prices and I felt like I'd been there too long to just say "NEVERMIND". At least he didn't make me feel like a tanning virgin ... good thing I told him I worked at Sun Studio last summer, who knows how much longer I would've been there for. But it's a nice place so whatev. Needless to say I didn't run last night ... I didn't feel like it ok, get off my back. Instead I "cleaned my room" ... it looks a little better. I was too lazy to carry crap down to the basement so I just moved everything to corners and out of the way. Damn ten days is way too long. I also successfully watched Top Model, The Hills, Newport Harbor, and part 1 of the SYTYCD finale (can't WAIT for the tour!!!!) ... and part 2 tonight! I watched a lot of tv last night. Today's been boring, it's felt like Friday all day and it breaks my heart everytime I realize that it's not. My OCD boss made me re-do half the work we did last Friday, because it JUST wasn't perfect enough. Have I mentioned how sick of this place I am? This is a long week. Tonight after I tan and run and pitch its finale time for real. Maybe I'll have some time for some dinner. God I'm gonna be exhausted. And btw, I'm sick. Yea, all of a sudden ... runny nose, stuffy nose, sinus headache, sneezing in groups of 5 ... awkward. And fabulous. It's apparent that I will be half dead tonight after all the stuff I plan on doing. WHATEV, it's good for me. I really have nothing of value to say, and frankly I'm not feeling jazanga today ... so see ya tomorrow. High School Musical 2 tomorrow!?!?! I'm getting slightly less excited about it, the more I have to watch those effing commercials over and over ... and over ... on Disney channel. Give it a rest, guys. Good lord. I can tell you what I am excited for though, NEW HANNAH MONTANA with the Jonas Brothers AFTER HSM2! I'm such a 5 year-old. I love it. | | |
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