|
SubscriptionsSites I Read
|
|
|
|
| FUCKKKk@ !@9EFDOJHG POFLa9iur23oikJM@!!!
i'm just so fucking angry and so fucking messed up and want all of this to get the hell out of my head
i can't stop eating, i know it sounds weak and fucking pathetic and when i read people's shit where they're like "i'm going to fast.. (2 hours later) i had 4 blocks of chocolate" i judge them and think they're a piece of shit, but i'm doing the exact same thing.
good work jane you idiot.
i'm not in control of anything and nothing feels right. it feels like none of my clothes are fitting, but the funny thing is.. my clothes are fitting, they're just not hanging off me so i don't feel right in them. ha, once again.. good one jane.
i'm also being such a sneaky bitch, i'm checking up on every bit of internet history, every phone message, every phone call, every everything on ben for what? for fucking nothing. i do trust him so what the hell is wrong with me, and why am i making it out to be like he is doing all these things wrong when he';s obviously not. he treats me so well and i am so happy with him but for some reason i tell myself the complete opposite. fuccccccccckkkkkkkk
i don't want anyone's help, i want to get through this moody bitch stage by myself. i don't know if it's the pill, i don't know if it's because i'm sick or i don't know if i'm just actually fucked up. definately hoping it's not the last one.
i want a break from this stupid town. i want to get away from everyone here even for a couple of days. i don't have any money and i don't have anywhere to go, so i don't know why i'm even considering it.
i just want to be in control of stuff again, i want to know that everything i am doing is right, and skipping meals is making a difference on how i feel about myself. i need to start exercising, but not just for a couple of days here and there.. but actually do it every single week.
i'm never going to be okay if i can't get over myself, if i can't get over what people are going to think of me or if i can't get over judging myself so harshly. i don't judge people half as bad as i judge myself! i just generally want to be a better person, not just looks wise but my general attitude. it's not too far into the year so hopefully in the next couple of months i can get my act together, get the fuck over myself and move on with my stupid life. which will make both ben and i happier.
he's the best thing that has ever happened to me and we have been through way too much for me to fuck it up with this bullshit now.
i just want a hug, haha.
xo
also jessie, kristin, elle, whatever, all of you
email me- j4n3y0@hotmail.com
i miss youuuuuuuu
| | |
| ha!i've dropped like 30lbs in about 2-3 months
HAH
and it doesn't come back on when i fuck up
woooooooo
holy crap i can't believe i got that heavy
i'm like 120 now
but i didn't even notice how big i had got before
stupid winter and stupid binge eating ha
everything's going ok
yeah, just ok
hope everyone is doing well :)
| | |
| ha
i've lost probably about 10lbs since last entry
still look repulsive
sorry for the bad quality and ugly face
can't help either.
| | |
| SO, i haven't posted for quite some time.
not much has been going on. i've just been spending a lot of time with ben and his friends. uhmm.. i've been seeing a counsellor too. not to 'recover' or anything, i don't even know what is going on with me any more. i think this eating disorder shit has kind of just turned into full blown depression. ha, even better! so my eating is all over the place, not doing well and not doing bad. depends what day it is really. which is stupid, and i need to get on top of that. i've been doing pretty 'well' in an eating disordered persons eyes lately- i haven't eaten all day or if i have it's only been a tiny meal at dinner which i have later thrown up. i don't know why but i just can't seem to keep anything in my stomach.
ben and i went to a party last weekend, we were both really drunk (i only had like 3 standard drinks, yeah good one jane ha) and i wanted some fresh air outside. he was far more drunk that i was by the way. when i got up to leave he went crazy and wouldn't let me go, then finally he did but followed me outside. he started yelling at me saying i always do this when i'm drunk. i don't really understand what 'this' is, i guess it's just leaving. but anyway, he was like "you just think you're too good for everyone don't you?".. right. if i thought i were too good for everyone i wouldn't be starving myself just to be good enough for people would i?
ANYWAY, then i just decided i wanted to walk home because we had no other way and he was just grabbing me and wouldn't let me go so i was swinging my arms trying to break free. he let go but my arm was still swinging so i hit him right across the face. i didn't mean to, but he thought i did. i guess it must have been really hard because he even fell to the ground. i was scared and i didn't know what to do so i tried to help him up but he wouldn't let me so i walked off. i don't know why, i guess i was afraid he might hit me back? when i was walking he was just yelling at me and i was crying. i stopped and came back but he wouldn't let me anywhere near me, and told me he is sick of me. that i'm a 'fucking slut who should just go and fuck caden' (this guy i've known since high school who used to/still kind of does like me) and was just abusing me. i just kept saying 'please ben' over and over crying. i don't really remember what happened after that but eventually he stopped and i told him i didn't mean to do it and that i would never mean to hit him. we just hugged and he said he didn't mean any of it.
the morning after i was still really upset about it, because out of all people i can't believe he said all of that. i know he didn't mean it though, he just couldn't believe i hit him because i guess that's how it looked. and he was the most drunk i have ever seen him. so i don't know, i don't think he would actually think i was a slut or any of the above because i haven't ever slept with anyone but him anyway? ha
but things with ben and i are really good now. that would never have happened if it weren't for the stupid alcohol so blah. not drinking for a while! ha. it's almost 12 months with him! crazyyy! his birthday is a week after 12 months so i have spent like $300 on a present for the both of them. my dad almost killed me because it was on his credit card as well, haha.
haha awh ben's the one on the right.
okkkkkk cool
i'm done
i have to go to bed because i have school early in the morning
i'm in a lot of trouble because i haven't been going at all. i hate it. i have no friends other than ben and he is moving at the end of the year back to his old school so he can be with all of his friends. i don't mind and i think it would be best, he needs his friends and i know a lot of people there. i'm fine with not having friends anyway ha.
ok good good
hope to hear from you all
xoxo
ahahaha
| | |
| hiii ladiessss
so i posted an idea of a tattoo a couple of months back
and i think now i've decided what i really want-
tell me what you think! 
ps.
or there's this one, but i don't really think i want a full name.
| | |
|
