deligoose's Xanga

Elevator Glitch

Fri, 12 Sep 2008 17:15:59 GMT

Sign in Elevator:

"Should the elevator doors fail to open, please do not become alarmed. Press the "ALARM" button and help will arrive."

What?

Don't be alarmed, just push the GIANT fire-engine red emergency button that says "ALARM" in BOLD.

But by all means, Do Not Become Alarmed.

DONKEY! DONKEY!!

Fri, 05 Sep 2008 18:58:29 GMT

I was just reading about this poor old guy (69) who died and left his measly estate to his girlfriend and 2 other relatives, and the hefty sum of $1 dollar each to 6 or 7 somewhat random relatives. His relatives (particularly the recipients of $1) were protesting the will claiming the gentleman was of unsound mind. Their only arguments were:

- He had given people fish soaked in kerosene, only to later tell them the condition of the fish

- He had insisted on buying all of his neighbors furniture, despite the fact it was not for sale

- He had a propensity for chasing children out of his yard by running behind and spraying them with a gardening hose. Apparently this frightened the children, though they still returned.

- On several occasions he ran out of the house party dressed and had to be corralled and chased back inside.

- He would pin paper flowers on his rose bushes and brag about his roses to his neighbors.

- He told individuals that he had sent them Christmas presents or turkeys...when he had not. Several people were offended.

- He stopped his granddaughter on the street and told her she had on too much rouge and powder. Granddaughter claims she had none on. I don't believe her.

- It was not uncommon for him to go to someone's house for dinner and leave mid-meal with no explanation.

- That he told a child in the presence of the child's mother that he was actually the child's father. Result: "The mother became exceedingly angry at him and it does not appear that he ever repeated the statement."

- He would lay in his front yard and hold is breath to scare his neighbors into thinking he was dead.

The Court determined that...he was perfectly fine. Just a little persnickety.

For those of you that evaded jury duty...apparently you're missing the party.

Tue, 26 Aug 2008 06:42:32 GMT

A brief explanation of why the party that lost was asking for a new trial:

Jurors told defense counsel after the trial that jurors consumed alcohol during lunch breaks, causing them to sleep through the afternoon session of the trial. One juror stated he felt like the jury was on one big party and claimed that four jurors consumed between them a pitcher to three pitchers of beer during various recesses. He also stated that on several occasions he observed two jurors having one or two mixed drinks during the lunch recess, and one other juror, who was also the foreperson, having a liter of wine on three occasions. He also stated that he and three other jurors smoked marijuana regularly during the trial and that one juror ingested cocaine five times and another two or three times. One juror sold a quarter pound of marijuana to another juror during the trial, and took marijuana, cocaine, and drug paraphernalia into the courthouse. Juror also noted that some of the jurors were falling asleep during the trial and that one of the jurors described himself as "flying."

Motion for a new trial was denied.

Okay, so it was denied because they couldn't find anyone except jury members to verify this and there are a whole bunch of rules about jurors testifying. ie, they can't really.

Also, the judge suggested that the frantically protesting attorney should have been a tad more selective when choosing jurors.

But that's still pretty funny. No impeaching this jury.

!!!

Wed, 09 Jul 2008 01:18:08 GMT

I'M GOING TO BE AN AUNT AGAIN!

!!!!!!!!!!

Now to dust off the quilting supplies...

Elementary my dear Watson. Elementary.

Fri, 27 Jun 2008 06:15:46 GMT

It used to cost $30 to fill my tank.

It now costs almost $60 to fill my tank.

If I was oblivious to the price increase, it has now gotten my attention.

Point made.

You can stop now.

Please.

It's a long walk to work.

BONK

Sat, 17 May 2008 00:08:25 GMT

Me: Who threw a ball into the window?

Joanna: OH NO! We killed ANOTHER bird! ::rushes outside frantically::

***************

She proceeded to stand outside and shriek for someone to come re-set the bird's neck. No one came to her assistance except the dog, who wasn't really interested in anything except assisting with the burial.

Apparently we have an issue with birds flying into the windows on the side of the house. One of the downsides to having a house designed to maximize solar heat. It's not PETA approved.

Wednesday, May 14, 2008

Wed, 14 May 2008 18:38:03 GMT

If I see one more business attempting to be "hip" by naming their business ____ 'R Us....I will scream at the top of my lungs.

...

...

AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

If the best thing you can come up with is Windows 'R Us, Floors 'R Us, or Groceries 'R Us then why my ex-friend have you branched into private business ownership? You should be forcibly thrown back into a corporate cage to regurgitate useless expressions where they're to be expected. How did you escape?

*****************

Note to persons delighting in playing chicken while jay-walking across the street in front of me.

I would advise you not to assume the risk that my desire to remain a law abiding citizen is stronger than my desire to accelerate at the sight of you meandering through the street. The odds are not in your favor.

This is finals week, and I'm no longer in the objective reasonable person category. I'm clinging to the last shreds of my humanity, and you are lurching close to the edge of the chalk outline of the last chicken that tried to cross the road.

*****************

Last exam tonight. Four hours long.

And then I shall take up Sashiko, buy 10 cats, and live on canned sardines for the remainder of my years.

Confession:

Fri, 09 May 2008 18:45:54 GMT

I draw hearts.

******************

I've regressed to child-like tactics. In a futile attempt to squeeze extra points on my torts final exam, I drew little hearts next to my professor's name hoping in turn his heart would be softened...or dagnabit at least distracted from the words on the page.

We shall see.

******************

2 finals to go! 10 days 'till I head West!

Getting ready for church

Sun, 27 Apr 2008 22:03:27 GMT

"Can somebody throw me a piece of rope?!" - Zach

Now, this would not be an unusual phrase were he hanging from a precipice, or playing outside, but when I heard him yelling from the bathroom I was a little confused. After inquiring, Zach disclosed from the other side of the door that he needed the rope to hold his pants up. Because they were too big.

He cracks me up.

********
Notice to mother of above child: Don't panic and assume that it's normal for your child to be hanging from a precipice when he comes over. Mostly.

Sorry, I'm an Aries. huh?

Thu, 10 Apr 2008 16:00:49 GMT

I’ve been looking for an apartment to stay in for the summer in LA (by myself or shared), and am having difficulty finding one that doesn’t (a) require me to trade in my yellow car for a rusty old Buick in order to fit in with the locals (b) insist that I be a pescetarian and bonded with the earth mother, (c) request I be comfortable living with a part-time home nudist [!!!!], or (d) cost close to $1000 for 250 sq. feet. I kid you not. Oh, and for all the posters out there insisting that they will only accept cute, fun, female roommates between the ages of 20-25, preferably with low self-esteem...I’m not stupid-- Reply to: larry.freakstalker@hotmail.com kinda gives it away. Apparently the personal ads haven’t been workin’ out for ya.

I did see someone renting a garage in a ritzy neighborhood...

I do have a propensity to sleep in my car...

**********
Chris: "Well, you're almost a pescetarian..."

This is true.

He didn't try to justify the nudists.

*********
Things that keep me up at night while pondering my pescetarian tendencies: If tuna is chicken of the sea...then is chicken fish of the land?