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| well... i havent been on awhile... i guess it was because i didnt feel like i had to talk about anything anymore. a lot has been going on and i havent had the energy to write anything anymore, let alone extra stuff about the nonsense that is my life... idk. i feel pretty alone right now. pretty down. i didnt take my pills today so that might be it, idk... and j.j. hasnt called in two days so i dont know where he is or what he's been doing. it's so hot here! im just sitting here in the middle of the night and im sweating... im kind of frustrated i guess, this is the last week of school. my freshman year is gone and what do i have to show for it? nothing! ive gained nothing this year. im so mad at myself... i lost 2 of my best friends ever and made some bad mistakes and hurt a lot of the people around me and got bad grades... im such a screw-up. i know i am but the people who care about me have hope in me so they dont give up but i think they will be soon. i mean, you can only have hope for so long ya know? well, i guess i just wanted to write this last entry... and thank everyone who helped me out when i was at a really low point. it means so much, really. i hope i helped all of you just the same. if any of you still want to keep in touch then i have a myspace and you can add me. it's www.myspace.com/amberlight514 i'd love it if you would. and i also have a yahoo screen name and email which is gummy_bear514 so we can talk sometime. thanks again everyone. take care
jordin | | |
| j.j. was just here... it was really fun. my dad's working til 7 today and he came over after school to give me my birthday presents. he got me a really sweet card and a pretty necklace and some earrings. and then we hung out for awhile. his cousin sam came too so him and my brother zeke watched a movie in the livingroom while me and j.j. went to my room. he's so nice. like, i dont know what i'd do without him. honestly im trying really hard not to get too attached but it's hard not to with him... he's so perfect around me and i love that. i know it's the real him too. i've just heard things about what he does when im not around and that's most of the time. i get kind of worried cuz he's cheated on me before but he was honestly sorry and we had a huge talk about it and i think he's okay now but im still worried ya know? well anyways it was really great when he was here. i cant wait til he can come over more often... and another thing. he's okay with the fact that i dont want to have sex right now. i mean, sometimes i wonder why i do that to myself but then i realize that it's because i have pride in myself and i know that i want the first time to be with someone i wont regret. i dont think i would regret it with j.j. but then again, you never think you're gonna regret it. so when it started heating up he was the one who said "i think we should stop" i mean, that was great! cuz i was kinda getting caught up in the moment and not really able to stop myself so since he did it for me then that showed me how much he really cared. i was glad... things are getting better too. im gonna be able to move in with my grandma once dad and me go see a neurologist (sp) so he said that if im ok then i can move in with her. im really happy! i hope this time it lasts!
</3 jordin | | |
| hey guys. sorry i havent updated and i know i didnt comment back. i'll try hard to do that soon. it's just been kinda hectic around here and since my birthday is tomorrow there's been lots of stuff going on. well i got some good news. i never really do anything for my birthday when im at my dads house so when my friend cassy asked if i could stay the night last night i was so happy. it was gonna be the only thing i was gonna do so i was gonna make the most of it. well i went there yesterday and her mom wasnt home so we met up with her boyfriend and hung out for awhile. then we got home and had a fun time taking dumb pics on her camera lol her mom got home and we went up to her room and then she was like "i'm gonna go throw our wrappers away" (we were eating something i cant remember) and then she went downstairs and after awhile called my name. so i went downstairs and when i turned the corner her and her mom (i call her mama crystal) were standing in the kitchen singing "happy birthday" and there were balloons and a cake with lit candles on the table!! it was the sweetest thing i could've imagined for my birthday. i tried not to cry but i couldnt help it because my dad had never done anything like that for me. mama crystal was like "sorry it's not much" but it really was and i hugged her. and to top it off, cassy got me presents! 3 bellybutton rings and the flyleaf cd that i've been wanting forever. she's the best. it was so nice of them to do. i cant get over it. last night and this morning was so fun. then dad called this morning and got mad cuz i hadnt called him but i had. i left a message on the machine. he was mad and was like "im coming to pick you up now" and he said we were gonna clean the house. joy. actually we're not gonna even clean the house. he does this everytime im having fun. "im coming to get you early cuz we're gonna clean the house" and then we never do. well i have to tell him something today. last wednesday my grandma picked me up and we were talking and she said that i needed to come live with her and "on sunday night im coming to pick you up and you'll stay with me til you go to your moms for the summer" this is exactly what i need! everything's coming together for me. i know i'll do brilliantly at my grandmas and i need this. my dad doesnt know what to do with me so this is good for us. he can see me whenever he wants without having to deal with me all the time... thing is, now i have to tell him. ya... that's gonna be hard. i've told each of my parents that i didnt want to live with them before but it never gets any easier... well i guess im gonna do it tonight and get it over with because i dont want him to say no. i really hope he doesnt. this is best for me. i need this. | | |
| wow. well im back everyone. i've been gone lately because... well i just havent had any time to update i guess. i havent been around a computer lately. well i was getting 3 F's but i brought math up so i have one more to go until i can play softball again... um well once i told my grandma about the prozac, she was okay with it but then she told my mom and my flipped out and made my grandma think the same thing. she's so ashamed because she has her daughter on prozac and thinks its terrible because teens seem to get suicidal feelings because of the drug and she thinks im gonna do that. everything seems to be going downhill again. i was supposed to stay here a month after school ended so that i could live with my grandma and just be away from both of my parents for awhile. im gonna be going from my dads to my moms and... i dont need that. i need something different in my life. i need this month and my mom doesnt want me to have it because she says that if im on prozac then i wont be able to drive! how messed up is that? and their trying to get me to move back in with my mom but that would be bad. ive given my mom more chances then she deserved and im not gonna give in again. but the thing is, i cant stay here with my dad. it just doesnt work out for me. and so i feel lost and not sure where to go... the only place i have left is my grandma's house and i really think that would be the best place for me to stay but it would change everything with every member of my family if i did that... but my grandma told me to do what i needed to do for myself instead of trying to make everyone else happy. she said just to start making me happy... it got me thinking and i realized i havent done that in a long time. the last time i did that was when i told my mom i was moving to my dads. i left my moms house because of the abuse and now im getting abused by my dad and its not helping. living with my grandma would be the best thing for me and make me be the happiest but it would really change everything for everyone and a lot of people would be unhappy because of me... this is where i get stuck but hopefully i'll make the right choice.
p.s. i'll comment everyone back soon. | | |
| i just got home. im kinda worried. i know, another bummer entry. well, my grandma's kinda like a mom to me. she's been there for me all through this school year since my dad hasnt really helped me out and my moms not here. she means so much to me. at first i resented it and thought i could handle things on my own and didnt need her. now i know that i do need her so much and i care for her a lot. well i asked her to pick me up from school today so we could go out to eat because i needed to talk to her. i wanted to talk to her about everything that's been going on because i thought she deserved to know and i was really nervous about it cuz i didnt know how she'd react. thankfully she was okay with it. i didnt tell her about how i still cut (no one knows) but we talked about how i used to. she thought i still was because of the welts from the rubberband on my arm. i told her what they really were and i told her it was because i didnt want to cut. the thing is, my dad didnt even see those and she saw them right off the bat. the only problem she had was that i was on medication. she doesnt think that it's a chemical imbalance in my brain and that it's just a bad environment. i know where she's coming from and i dont think my home situation helps any but i still do think that it's a chemical imbalance in my brain. she was mainly worried because she heard that prozac brings on suicidal thoughts. i heard that too and it's true. once i started prozac i started getting suicidal thoughts but i'd never go through with it. she said that if i start getting thoughts that i should quit it immediantly. i didnt tell her about the thoughts and im not gonna quit until i know for sure that it's not working for me. she wants me to call my mom and tell her what i told my grandma... im nervous. she's not gonna like it at all and will probably get mad. my grandma's more understanding then my mom but if i dont tell her then my grandma will and that would be worse. well i have to go to the doctors tomorrow for a refill and a check-up. i want to go in alone though cuz i dont want my dad to hear what i have to say to the doctor. i want to be truthful to the doc but not my dad. ok well im gonna get going. i have more to say but im done typing. i'll write more tomorrow. take care.
</3 jordin | | |
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