ugh. the whole 3 meal a day thing just does not work for my body's metabolism. it's not my fault i'm a heiffiferous lump. plus... now my parents won't let me go running after dark. apparently don't realize that it's WINTER and it gets dark at like ... 4.  methinks they just want me to turn into a bulbous cow. cite: blue marshmallow jacket for x-mas. i now look like a blueberry version of the pillsbury dough boy. i rest my case.

dad guilted me into eating.  he came up to my room he was like when are u eating. me .. when i'm hungry. "please eat tonight" ... i'm not hungry. blah blah blah etc. "you know you're showing all the signs of someone who's ... ::fumbles for words:: not eating to be thin" awww poor daddy. ::pats head:: so cute. me ... i'm not. (by which i meant i'm not anorexic... ) "it's not healthy" <~~ says the man who just ate pizza and see's toffee-etes for dinner. pmph.

so me = digging into my nummy (nummy = yummy) sesame chicken and RIIIIIIIIIIIICE and trying to figger out precalc. right now... me = . pmph.

parents are so weird. one must wonder abt them sometimes. par example... one eats too many apricots, is severly .. abdominally ... challenged for a period. comes to mother. complains abt violent onset of .. bodily emptying. "ugh, i feel so drained." ... mother: "let's go get u something to eat." ::snorts:: yeah, perfect solution.

i'm not anorexic. i promise. 

i'm not hungry. there's a difference.

ate cranberries wiff dinner.  

Currently Playing Run By Snow Patrol 12 (:-D YAY DOGGY!!!) see related

ok ok ok ok... i KNOW! thank you ALL for telling me that i need to update my xanga.. but honestly... in the past 4 days i've averaged 3 hrs of sleep a night, not finishing my homework on any of those nights, so do u THINK i'm gonna post nething here??  i still love ya babies, but i really do have too much to do, so plz bear with me...

here's my essay that i had to write for la  just to give all ya'll my pplz who aren't as well informed as others: we have to write the most ridiculous journals for this class, it's not even funny... i had to write a five paragraph essay abt whether or not i would consider getting a tattoo, and if i did, what would it look like  buuuuuuuuut... i felt like being a pugnacious brat in writing this one, so i used my ridiculous word sense and sarcasm to create... A MASTERPIECE!! lol seriously, i love it... altho i really dun like the sappy elitist crap at the end... i mean that's how i really feel, but i think it's kinda arrogant of me to say it bc... it's personal conviction, not something to be touted... but neways, read it and enjoy... at the very least u p'tree pplz who haven't seen me in a while can roll ur eyes at the ridiculous things that i've been saying since i left and subsequently died -- without further ado...

My Relationship with School is…

“Death, Destruction, and Mushroom Clouds”

An Essay

3:15 a.m.   October 5^th

“Why am I doing this to myself?!?!”

            Enough said, it would seem; the anguish of that simple statement, uttered in the dark hours of the night as I labored in boredom and exhaustion over a never-ending Physics review, is the most common characteristic of my relationship with school. As a high school junior, I am subjected to labors that would make even the superhuman Hercules, holding the whole Earth on his shoulders, tremble. Perhaps this seems like an exaggeration, but then again, the sight of my two overstuffed bookbags and eyes sharply defined by dark circles might be cause for reconsideration. A full class load of two sciences, literature, American history, foreign language, and dreaded mathematics fills the first eight hours of my day, and upon my return home an astonishing pile of work appears to have accumulated, consuming the other twenty-six hours of the day. I say twenty-six hours, not as an illustration of my poor math skills, or my absolute exhaustion, but instead as a statement of the bitter reality of high school: the days are too long, and yet have too few hours.

7:09 a.m.   October 5^th

“Me… and school… I am convinced are mutually assured destruction.”

            Referencing the circles under my eyes is only scratching the surface of the effect that school has on me. It is an integral part of my life – in fact it is my life – and it seriously impacts my mental and physical health, as well as my social well-being. The concept of the “all-nighter”, accepted as one of the more normal occurrences in the scope of teenage experience, is indeed the title the majority of my week-nights earn. It is not unknown for me to sleep a cumulative total of two hours in a night, the circumstance under which I was placed on the afore-said October morning. The only way to sustain a semblance of humanity is to resort to the consumption of massive amounts of coffee, my mixture of choice being one part coffee, one part milk, and three parts sugar. Not surprisingly, my health has suffered in the past, contributing to the long list of grievances I enjoy holding against the school system.

However, for me and my companions in martyrdom, physical well-being fell along the wayside long ago, and even our mental health is of little importance. Bouts of hysterical laughing at nothing in particular, followed by a confusing mixture of sobbing and crying, have been noted often in the past. We continue to maintain that we are, nevertheless, still mostly sane individuals, unfortunately. The most disturbing aspect of the doctrinaire effects of school on our lives is our surprising lack of social involvement (that is, surprising for young people our age.)  With whole days and nights being spent on schoolwork, and weekends wasted away catching up on lost sleep, it often seems as though I find little time to simply relax with my friends. Any contact I have with human beings, after long nights chained to my desk by work, is to be found at school among my equally exhausted classmates. It can be quite an interesting environment.

3:21 p.m.   October 20^th

“Yeah, we have whole conversations in Chem about our late night hallucinations…”

reply: “Wait, that’s not normal?”

            Despite the utterly desolate picture I’m melodramatically painting of my semi- existence and the hate-annihilation relationship between myself and school, it actually makes for great conversation. I heartily enjoy talking with my empathetic classmates about our late-night escapades, and venting my frustrations in rants between classes. School provides the heroic journey through which my friends and I bond, and over the years our friendships have evolved into a band of martyrs ceaselessly battling the forces of evil (i.e. homework). I often find my stress mitigated by whining to my best friends, and adding ridiculous spins to my sleep-deprived breakdowns that leave us laughing for hours. School thus loses its element of stress and instead becomes a rewarding experience of both learning and fun.

11:24 a.m.   October 21^st

“Oh, I’m already dead. This is just my broken, tortured, enslaved spirit you see going to class. The real me is dead on my kitchen counter.”

            The most accurate summation of my relationship with school is that it’s stressful, and definitely a love-hate kind of thing (it varies depending on what hour of the night it is). But as stressed as school makes me, I have to admit the truth and say that I couldn’t live without it. First of all, eleven years of conditioning have left me with a feeling of emptiness in the absence of work, sad as it is, and my perpetual state of panic is what I thrive upon, even more than coffee. My nurture – growing up in a family environment that always encouraged curiosity, discovery, and ambition – has instilled in me strong values of learning and discussion. School offers me a place to engage my mind in activities that, while they seem menial, often become enjoyable in the long run. And school doesn’t just mean academics to me; I also throw myself into my extracurricular interests with every bit of the 110% attitude that I invest in my studies. Despite my many deaths, resurrections, and sarcasm, I do in fact love the purpose and sense of fulfillment that school offers me – a job well-done, honest work, and small nugget of satisfaction to carry with me.

            If I were to be asked what I value more than anything else, I would without pause say my education. My response would not be affected by what I earlier suggested was the overbearing influence of school on my every day activities. In contrast, I would venture to say that I regard a person’s intellect as the purest facet of their being, and I reverence the feeding of that intellect as being among the most noble pursuits. And, despite my complaining, many of my fondest memories have been, and perhaps will always be, of school. In the future, if my dreams come true, I hope to be a scientist and scholar. I think I might even enjoy being a college professor one day, and I hope to instill the joy I find in learning in my children.

That is, after I get some sleep. “I want my pink fuzzy cloud [hallucination] back!”

hi u guys!!! i'm not typing a super super long entry cause a) i just wrote a fair sized one and b) i'm not really supposed to be on here since i AM technically in class  actually i was typing up my script for my theatre skit and the entire REASON that i'm adding another entry for today is so that i could post my skit to show u guys!!! sooooo... yeah here it is!! the hi-lighted part is mine (or, if it doesn't show up (or ur just a dim wit ) i'm P .. and don't worry abt the names and stuff, those are ppl from my class) enjoy!!

Cell Phone Confessions

Skit Dialogue

Friend - Madison

Problem Person – Kat

White (Hope) – Johanna, Michelle

Green (Jealousy) – Daniel

Red (Anger) – Tyler

Yellow (Fear) – Derek

Blue (Sadness) – Matt

Friend: Hey, how are ya?

Person: I’m ok … you?

Friend: Only “ok”? What’s wrong?

Person: Nothin, just a rough few days I guess. Don’t worry about it. (sighs faintly) So    wussup with you?

F: I’m great! I just talked to my boss at work and told him about a new idea I had for an ad in the school newspaper. He gets publicity for cheap and the school paper gets funding! He loves it and said this could be great for a promotion.

P: (absently) Oh, good. That’s great.

F: I thought so too and … (trails off) Hey, are you sure everything’s ok?

P: (pause) No … I mean, not really. But you’re my best friend. I can tell you anything right?

F: Of course you can tell me anything! I want to help you … what happened?

P: Just listening would help. Ok, so I was in class yesterday and finally came up with a brilliant idea. Mrs. Gumbart would have loved it … and I was really excited because you know how much I’ve been struggling in there.

F: I know how hard that class is. Great ideas like that are so hard to come up with. And you’ve been working like crazy!

P: I know! And that’s why it was so unfair that Kate took my idea! (Friend gasps) I was getting her opinion before class and she knew how excited I was! Mrs. Gumbart loves Kate --

F: Oh, I know, she’s such a suck up!

P: Yeah, and Mrs. Gumbart always listens to all her ideas. I thought that Kate could help me. I feel so awful because I get so jealous. (Jealousy stands) And you know how I feel about jealousy – it’s awful for everybody… But it’s so unfair!

F: I can’t believe she did that! That’s horrible! That was so dishonest … and don’t worry about being jealous, it happens to everybody – it’s a human thing.

(Jealousy comes over to Friend)

P: I don’t care, I’m not everybody! I’m me, and I want to be better than that! (Pause) But God! How could she do that?!? She’s always stepping all over me! It’s not enough for her to be Mrs. Gumbart’s favorite, oh no, she has to steal my ideas too! She doesn’t even know me … I never did anything to her. Ever! It makes me so angry!

(Anger stands)

F: You have every right to be angry. Anybody would be. (Anger comes over to Friend) You worked so hard and she didn’t do anything. (Pause) Maybe you should talk to Mrs. Gumbart. Kate has done this before and it’s a habit she needs to break. Somebody needs to do something about it. This is the perfect opportunity.

P: I don’t know … Mrs. Gumbart loves Kate. And why would she listen to me? I’m just the quiet girl who sits in class and never says anything. Mrs. G is nice and everything, but I’m scared she won’t believe me and she’ll just think I’m immature. (Fear stands) And I don’t even want to think about what would happen if Kate found out. She’d tell everyone I was a liar and a baby … it’s just not worth it.

F: I know it’s scary, but of course it’s worth it! Because it may seem to you like it’s just this one thing, but Kate’s going to keep doing it, and it’s not right! She needs to be stopped! And anyone in your position would be afraid to stand up for themselves (Fear comes over to Friend) – that’s probably why Kate chose you as the one to steal from, because she saw she could get away with it! But in the long run, you’re helping her break a habit that will get her in a lot of trouble later in life, and you can be proud of yourself afterwards for being so brave.

P: But that’s just who I am! I can’t stand up to people. I’ll never be able to. I’ll never be able to do anything … except be a pathetic excuse for a person … always backing out of things because I’m afraid. (Pause) God! I’m so pathetic! (Faint sob)

(Sadness stands)

F: Hey now! Don’t ever say that! You’re amazing! You have so much to offer! You just have to learn to stand up for yourself. I mean … if you think about it, Kate’s stealing your idea is showing how weak she is. She sees that you’re smart, and she’s afraid she can’t come up with anything better and she’ll lose her advantage over Mrs. G! This is your opportunity to show everyone what a strong and brave person you are! I know you can do it!

(Sadness begins to come over to Friend)

P: (Pause) But what if it doesn’t work? What if things get worse? I just couldn’t handle that.

(Sadness begins to return to Person, Hope intervenes, fights)

F: I promise it will be ok. No matter what, I’ll be there fore you. This is something you have to do. And even if it’s hard, and even if it gets worse before it gets better, you’ll still get through and know you were brave. And I’ll still be here if you need me. And I wouldn’t tell you to do this unless I knew that you had what it took – you’re strong in ways that you don’t even know, and I believe in you.

(Sadness comes over to Friend, Hope takes Person’s hand)

P: (Faintly, distracted) Thanks … I … I guess I could try … I guess I should go, but … wow, I feel better … like this weight has been lifted! Thanks, bye!

(Hang up phones, walk and meet together, walk away)

ok, in case you didn't understand that... the emotions are actual physical entities, represented by ppl dressed in a single color... and so in the lil italics, where it says "anger stands" or something... ok originally all the emotions are circling the "Person" .. aka me, and during the beginning they're all sitting around me, while "Friend" has two hopes flanking her... as i dump all my troubles on her however, my emotions are also dumped on her, so when it says "anger comes over to Friend" that means that the emotion has been transferred... and at the end where hope takes my hand, that's symbolizing how my friend has given me som of her hope...  anyways, this is our brainchild ( i say "our" because madison and i share it as our creation, altho most of it's hers ) and if u dun like it or u think it's corny i'm sorry, but we like it, and it has a deep emotional impact on us, so plz dun say nething really really mean abt it... i was just sharing  anyways, the end!! luvyamuch, buhbaiz!  

Currently Reading Rosalind Franklin: The Dark Lady of DNA By Brenda Maddox see related

lol ok... so i REALLY broke my promise of writing (as miz le was so kind as to remind me... ) ... i'm sowwwwwy!!  it's just that i've been really really REALLY busy!! i'm for cereal... cause like, we got this new teacher, and she was totally awesome, but she gave us like.. homework stuff to do, and then i also had to go to all these concerts and hang out wiff ppl .. bc i mean u kno i'm just so loved that everyone wants to be wiff me all the time and it keeps me so busy and ::sigh::  i'm just kidding... abt the popular part.... i have been really busy!

so let's see... it's been abt... 2 weeks since my last entry? well i could write like the world's longest xanga entry and tell u wut i did every single day... but a) that would be EXTREMELY boring... b) i don't have THAT much time on my hands... and c) i don't remember it all.. so i'll just give you a general update and i'll tell u all the fun/cool/funny/good stuff that's happened to me (that i can remember)!

sooooooooo ::ponders:: i'm not sure where to begin... i'll start on the 4th of july weekend cause that was fun... ish.... ok so i dunno how much u pplz kno abt ghp, but we're allowed to take one long wkend in the whole six weeks where we get to miss a minor class and a major class... typically ppl leave friday after majors and come back sunday night... so neways, bunches of ppl (like seriously, half the camp .. abt 300 ppl or so..) took their long weekends on the fourth of july weekend... so like nobody was here and it was great fun cause i got to do w/e i wanted and nobody bothered me, but it was kinda lonely... but then on sunday afternoon my friend wes came baq and we (a bunch of friends and me.. and wes) hung out and had a totally great time, which was good, cause i was kinda bummed all day... aaaaaaaand then... oh, so the beginning of the week after the 4th of july (the 5th of july, dur kaitlin) we got the first of our new teachers... her name was mrs barber and she was a hs anatomy and physiology teacher in the nearby tifton (it's a city... not very big or impt to my narrative) and she totally changed the direction of our class... for clarification, we 15 ppl in my class compose the biotechnology portion of the biology majors... in the first three weeks of the program we focused entirely on genetics and biotech (much to my personal oober genetics obsession's liking) .. but mrs barber spent the entire time she was here (all of a week) teaching us abt anatomy and physiology!! it was kinda confusing, but really fun!! we dissected a pig's heart and we got to hold snakes and we had to do presentations abt venom annnnnnd we put together and alligator's skeleton... REAL bones... aaaaand we went on a scavenger hunt walking around campus and finding plants... and neways yeah, it was really fun, and i really liked mrs barber!

and THENNNNNNN... it was time for ME to take MY long weekend!! yay!! my parents came and picked me up last friday after majors... and it was kinda weird cause like... ok majors end at 12 so i came into my dorm and i expected my parents to be there waiting for me cause they said they'd pick me up at 12... but they weren't there  so i was sad and i went up to my room and looked at my phone and they'd left me a message saying they'd prolly be here at 12 30 cause they got a later start than they thought... so then i called them, and they were stuck in really bad traffic on I-75 so they didn't even get here till 1 30  and i'd been excited abt seeing them all week, so needless to say i was pretty bummed/impatient and it was all i could do not to kill something while i waited... but come they did, and then I myself got to drive for 5 and a half hours to get down to florida and it was EXCELLENT and it made me very happy  and i got to eat REAAAAAAAL food... and i even got to eat lobster!!! mmmMmmmMmmm  ::drools:: and then i went out on the beach and got oober tan (as much as u can in one day...) actually no i got really sunburned/tanned... and actually i got so burned that i'm still fairly pink on my chest and my legs... like i got burned on the tops of my legs so it hurt to sit down and that kinda stunk but i like my new coloration  aaaannd then sunday morning i went PARASAILING!!! and it was FABULOUS!! (for those of u that don't kno, parasailing is when u like... go out on a boat and u attach urself to a parachute and then the boat goes and u fly up in the air way high... like 400 ft and u fly and it's so FUN!!!)  it was outrageously excellent and i enjoyed myself thoroughly!! and THEN i had the joy of driving back to valdosta for another 4 and a half hours wiff sand all over me and salt crystalizing on my skin... that wasn't very fun.. and in fact i got in a fight wiff my mom while i was driving so i didn't even talk to her for the last hour of the drive... but that's ok!!  (cause once we got there and i took a shower and she got out of the cramped little car and we had dinner she was much happier and we smiled and hugged and kissed when she left so it was all good! ) and then i went back to my dorm (wiff a considerably large amt of food.. MWHA) and saw all my pplz, which made me happy cause they were all really glad to see me, specially my roomie!! awwwww it was so sweet!! my roomie made a little sign and put it over my bed and it said "i love kat" and she left me a little note cause she couldn't be there rite when i got back and then she screamed and gave me a great big hug when she came in and saw that i was back  annnnnnd i sat wiff my friends and we started making bootlegged music mixes... basically all the girls on my hall are trading our music and making cds of all the songs that ppl have... hence the term "bootlegged music mixes"... so neways we made bootlegged music mixes and blasted simon and garfunkle (and this was at like 11 at night.. ) and had tons of fun and i was muchos happy to be baq

and then... dun dun dun!! we got our last new teacher... his name is mr still and he's really nice.. altho he has a comb-over, which is just disturbing.. but neways... and then HE decided to take ANOTHER new turn wiff the class so now we're doing... ::gulp:: organic chemistry  ::dies:: seriously... like... it's really hard!!! and i dun remember NE of my chemistry stuff, and so this is a  good review... but then again i feel really really stupid and none of our experiments work rite and i'm always confused and then i get frustrated cause i'm so confused, and then it makes me want to cry... like seriously, we were in the middle of an experiment yesterday and i got so upset i almost asked to go outside so that i could sit down and cry  it was that bad... but then i was like kaitlin ur being stupid... knock it off... and i finished the experiment... and then i went to lunch and had some cappacino (.. i will find out how to spell that correctly some day, i promise) and then i went to theatre and had a magnificent time and actually the rest of the day was fabulous, so that made me feel lots better

so yeah, now ur pretty much caught up.. yay!!  i've also continued to get up every morning and run and do weights... i say every morning, but that's kind of incorrect cause a couple mornings i've had to not go b/c of illness/injury/homework and then this morning i could just NOT make myself get outta bed... i'm serious like... i just couldn't make my legs move and i kept falling back asleep.. so i didn't go, and that was kind of sad... and then for theatre... omg it's FABULOUS!! like the first couple weeks were kind of a rollercoaster for me and theatre cause i felt really insecure and outta my element and just like i wasn't ne good... and in fact i'm still not ne good, but i have a ton of friends and they're really encouraging and they make me feel better... and also a) i'm improving b) we're doing more writing now and less improv, so i feel a little less intimidated... cause i'm really good at the writing part (if i do say so myself) and i have a lot of good ideas to contribute... and it's just working out really well... i'm really happy  and also i'm doing a scene from midsummer night's dream and i'm playing puck and omg it's AWESOME!! it's so much fun!! i've never had to memorize monologues before tho, and puck has a couple, so that's been difficult, but i'm just loving it and so far i think i'm doing a good job and just... ::squeals:: i'm very happy

sooooo i guess that's abt it!!  it's actually lunch time now, so i'm gonna go baq to my room and take the shower i skipped this morning cause i was being a lazy bum... eat a lil... do some research, then go to theatre (my FAVE part of the day!!!) .. so neways, i best be going, but i love u all very much and most of all i MISSSSSSS miss MISS you!!! (some ppl more than others but... lol i'm TOTALLY KIDDING!! ) and i'm sry i basically disappeared off the face of the earth but i was really busy, and i still am really busy so i can't make nemore promises abt writing, but i'll do my best to keep in touch!!! the best thing u can do if u wanna talk to me is to call me.. cause i LOVE getting fone calls (even tho i hate the fone...) so if u call me after 4 30 i'll usually be able to talk... again that's not a guarantee, but still... PLZ call me or e-mail me (if U have time.. cause of course u guys have lives and stuff too! ) and i love u much... ciao darlings!!

p.s. don't forget to wish upon a star tonight and dream abt the moon tomorrow!!