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7th September 2008 (Sunday) - 11.20am

i think ive just about had enough.we've gone back to square one. we've gone back to January where i was made to sound like nothing but a precocious brat. no change there.

i am MEANT to like the things they do, because my generation is screwed up.

i am MEANT to hang out with the people they approve of because its good for me. like prunes for constipation issues.

i am NOT MEANT to have fun with anyone but them because its just the most appropriate thing to do.

i am MEANT to have wonderfully flawless friends because i have been brought up in a flawless family.

i am MEANT to act like a 35 year old because i leave the act of acting like a 16 year old to her.

i am MEANT to agree with everything they say because i dont have a brain of my own to utilize.

i am NOT MEANT to spend money especially on the things any teenage girl would want because they take care of that completely.

i am MEANT to top the class because i am blessed to have everything ive been given.

i am MEANT to keep my complaints to myself because no one gets parents like them.

i am MEANT to be driven around everywhere because i am not intelligent enough to make use of any form of public transport.

i am NOT MEANT to hitch rides from friends even though we're heading to and from the exact same place because its more beneficial wasting time, petrol and effort then letting me get into a known car.

i am MEANT to nod vigorously in agreement to their contradictory statements because im the only one who makes mistakes, not them.

i am MEANT to leave my friends behind when i move into another phase in my life because according to them, my friends are not worth their time.

i am MEANT to smile and be happy all the time even if im faced with a problem because when i get upset, i am making a fuss.

i am MEANT to be nagged at because i would go astray without it as i have no such sense.

i am MEANT to be given instructions regarding just about EVERYTHING because i am a PUPPET.

i am MEANT to be an adult when it suits them because any other time is disallowed.

i am NOT MEANT to have outing breaks unless its with them because im a living, working machine.

i am MEANT to abide by their decisions because the least i can do in life is to live out their dreams.

i am MEANT to share every little bit of my life because i am their child despite knowing their judgmental behavior.

i am MEANT to let them make my decisions because the excuse is i must be independent and sensible when i am shipped off overseas. yes, thank you for making sense.

i am MEANT to listen to their endless comments about other people because they know best and have no such imperfections.

my personal favorite? boys are a taboo. boyfriends are a sin. even though their union was NOT ARRANGED but of LOVE. beat that.

dad says : i should learn to forget friends. even though he has kept his own since college spanning over time frames of 20 to 30 years.

mom says i should stop being sensitive and emotional. i should stop being too nice and obliging. i should stop pleasing people. even though everything i do is to please HER. should i consider that useful piece of advice now, from this very moment?

every little thing i do is scrutinized, criticized and judged. its pretty much equivalent to living in a golden cage. its sufficient to make anyone crack. i used to love being home. i used to love being with them. i dont now. i actually want to get away and live a life. it may be tough and i may have to slog it out, but maybe in some ways its better than combating endless feelings within myself which i cannot convey.

i dont smoke and i will never, i most certainly dont do drugs and have no plans whatsoever this century to attempt alcohol. i work hard, im respectful, im grateful, im responsible, im caring, im protective. i do things without complaint. i give up time with friends i love just for them.

and all i get is? WE'VE RAISED YOU WELL. 

because to them, IVE DONE NOTHING ON MY PART.

fine. whatever you say. so with all this, let me ask you, WHATS YOUR PROBLEM?

the fact is, all i have is another year and then im off. deem me cruel and disgraceful, but it'll be great to leave home. nevertheless, i will still always be thankful to have the both of you and love you mom and dad, for i wouldn be ME, without YOU. there's plausibly some form of BENEFIT beneath all this. maybe you might just learn to appreciate me when its time for me to run my own life. but then again,

maybe you wont.  

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3rd September 2008 (Wednesday) - 9.12pm

this goes out to you mister VISNU MANONMANI, who's officially turned a year older.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY muddy pie!

thank you muchos for coming by today! my dreaded day wouldn hv been complete without you! what a WAY to celebrate a coming of age. rojak-ing plus a dash of chendol-ing. huhu! the things we do! at least we didn get arrested today. must be good old fashion bday luck.

hope you had a WHOLESOME, FUN, BANGIN' day with endless wishes and endless blessings!

and i shall be 'marked' for quite some time. haha. hope you enjoyed my oh so unofficial prezzie. a tad bit more coming right up! lets make a toast to more lifetimes of humour, support, patience, trust, comfort and adoration!

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with more love loves, bearhugs and slobbery cherry smooches :))

dhevia k.s.

p.s. happy vinayager sadhurthi to all!