Tuesday, July 08, 2008

• Frustration

  I'll admit it - I'm probably one of the worst people you know at hiding their emotions.  You can read my thoughts in an instant as you're talking to me; every facial twitch, every intonation, and my body language are commandeered by my emotions too easily.  This is a flaw of mine that I've tried hard to overcome.  Especially in times of strong emotion, I'm hardpressed to do anything about it.  If I'm successful at taming it, I hide well enough behind a wall of silence.  If I'm unsuccessful, people around me get quite a show, either in the form of a hysterical breakdown (anxiety, despair), an expletive-filled tantrum (anger, frustration), or an excessively ebullient, sometimes short-lived, session of hyperactivity (happiness, excitement). 

  Frustration.  Lately, this niggling little bugger has wormed its way into my daily routine.  There are external factors engendering this frustration, but I must take the blame for most of it. 

  Work - I'm frustrated with myself for not being more productive at work.  I'm frustrated with my lack of career goals.  I'm frustrated with some of the people I work with.  I'm extremely frustrated, to the point of hating myself, that I can't take the higher road and throw myself 100% into my current role and just give it my all before I leave.  What happened to the old Diana who was optimistic about everything life threw at her?  What's up with this Diana that just plods along like a fat cow content to graze in the green pastures even though she is freaking sick of chewing cuds all the time?

  Personal  life - My apartment's perpetual state of fullness frustrates me.  There's just so much stuff - I need to get rid of things.  My expenditures frustrate me - I spend too much money these days, and I need/want to stop, but somehow, there's always a good reason to keep spending.  It's such pain yet such pleasure to see that money leave me.

  Volleyball - I'm frustrated with my pinky for not healing completely already so that I can set properly during volleyball matches.  I'm frustrated with my body for not being in shape so that I can be quicker and lighter on my feet on the volleyball court.  I'm frustrated that I'm not good enough to teach my teammates how to improve our gameplay.  I'm frustrated that every week, we go out there and lose.  I think I would be okay with losing every week if we were playing our all, but we're not, and that really bothers me like no other.  I wish I could fulfill my responsibilities to play better as well; I feel that I'm playing sub-par...  Why can't I push myself to play better?

  *sigh*  Writing it all out feels like inhaling deeply and exhaling all the frustration in one go.  Now to figure out solutions...

  • 11:54 PM
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