i'm considering a valiant return.  does anyone else still use this thing?

becca, don't read the last paragraph of this (starting with, "i think it's interesting").  it's about bad guys.


so, the answer to my lifelong mystery has become clear to me.  i was on the phone talking about fears and it suddenly clicked.  my greatest irrational fear is spiders.  when i'm held down and tickled i sob instantly and so heavily - nearly uncontrollably, curl up in a ball and hide in the nearest corner.  it never occurred to me before that the two could be associated, but it's all so evident now.

my mom has told me before that when i was a small baby, still in a crib, we were really poor and lived in an awful shack in fairbanks.  this was not the same home of me backing into the fire... closer and closer to get more heat... and burning my ass, which apparently was a pretty funny story - i admit that i would probably have laughed if i had the same mentality as i do presently, but i was like 2 or 3 at the time.  i digress.  so, this house - the awful shack - was a place we lived for only a few months because as soon as the winter began to set in it apparently became absolutely infested with spiders.  my mom has told me of a night where i was crying so hard that she ran to see what was wrong and found her baby girl covered in spiders.  clearly she would evacuate the place immediately after that.  so, i've known this story for a very long time but finally realized how blatantly obvious it is that this is also the cause of how severe of an emotional trigger it is for me to be held down and tickled.  as an immobile baby i couldn't escape the situation, clearly terrifying, and the feeling of them on me would be like tickling.  so during this casual phone conversation it just clicked.  crazy, huh?

it's bothered me so much in the past that i've often considered paying to be hypnotized - a really scary thought for me.  (i would have stipulations in order to be able to relax enough: i would be accompanied by a very close friend and the entire thing would be videotaped for my future viewing - i refuse to place myself in a situation i can't remember.)  since there is a business card of a hypnotist at my psychiatrist's office, it was feasible and not even sketchy.  it's cool that i didn't have to pay the money and didn't have to relive the experience to discover the origination of the fears.  i told john that he's hypnotic.  :)

it was such a huge relief to put it all together.  i can't explain how significant the discovery was.  so here's the blog about it.

becca, stop reading here.



i think it's interesting that of all insects, so-and-so chose to make spiderman.  he should have chosen cockroach man instead because those fuckers are difficult to kill.

:) 

i get the most arbitrary songs in my head at completely unrelated times.

i was in the bathroom a few minutes ago inspecting my face and found myself thinking the lyrics to "in da club" (which are actually awful in a for-real way, not just a typical modern hip-hop/rap way).  (do people still say hip-hop?  it sounds so stupid... like bunnies... who are undoubtedly stupid.)

i promise this is going somewhere.

so some of the words go like this, "we in there havin' sex, we ain't in there makin' love".  it made me think of, i guess, the etymology of the phrase "making love".  (aside: i think i've already exhausted my parenthetical and quotational privileges for this post.)  my first thoughts were all pissy, like, you can't MAKE love just by copulating.  in this regard, i appreciate 50's distinction.  then i thought of how married people talk about make-up sex.  (i really wanted to put quotes there, but i've lost my privileges.)  it seems that make-up sex is kind of more like what making love is supposed to mean.

from one of my favorite reference tools, merriam-webster online thesaurus:

Entry Word: sexual intercourse
Function: noun
Text: sexual union involving penetration of the vagina by the penis <many people believe that it's best to wait to experience sexual intercourse until you're mature enough to handle it>
Synonyms coitus, copulating, copulation, intercourse, mating, sex, sexual relations
Related Words fornication; safe sex; sexuality
Phrases making love

well, thanks for the advice dr. dictionary.  so it's a phrase?  huge chunk of help that is.

dictionary.com provides a much better explanation.  they're always really good for etymology and grammatical usage and common errors to avoid because they link to more intelligent resources.  this is how i learned the difference between the whole comprises the parts and the parts compose the whole.  anyway, make love is much better described as an idiom:

American Heritage Dictionary of Idioms

make love

1. Court, engage in amorous caressing, as in Romance was in the air, and she hoped he would make love to her. [Late 1500s]

2. Have sexual intercourse, as in They'd been making love well before they married. This usage today is the more common of the two. [Mid-1900s]

so this kind of destroys my hopes and dreams.  mostly because both examples refer to the act outside of marriage (not to be confused with extramarital, which means at least one person is married.  sorry, i had to use parenthesis here.)  i'd like to make love someday, but maybe i can't make love if it already exists, which is obviously ideal in marriage.  if we can't make love, then we're just left with sex... which really doesn't seem so bad.  i guess 50 cent is a lot less of a jerk than i thought.