Diary of a Dumb Blonde: Red Deer and Thailand - a really tough comparison!

So I’ve had a lot of people request an update as to where-in-the-world I am. Many of you continue to encourage me to write a book, but I assure you that will not be happening.  You know who you are, so cut it out…or at least write it for me and give me the royalties! Besides, I’ve convinced myself that I’ve lost my ability to be funny in my old age – part of the reason for my lack of penmanship.

            I could however, write a book on the FUNNY things Americans say!! Like the young military guy who sat besides me on a recent trip back from Canada –

Question: “Does Canada have the same time zone as Seattle”?

Answer: “Yes, of course we do! We’re so unified all 200 of us up here like to go to sleep around the same time, despite the sun setting about 6 hours earlier in the east.” I could go on and on, but just wait for the release of my book.

 This past fall I’ve been living out of Vancouver, but by that I mean I’m renting there but haven’t really been there. My two most recent trips were to Alberta and Thailand. I can’t really decide which was more exciting (that would be sarcasm).  

Here’s what I wrote at Christmas:

“I’m currently in back in Red Deer for a few weeks after fearlessly driving my dad’s intrepid-from-hell 14 hours over the very snowy-icy Rocky Mountains!! Janelle came with me, but instead of helping to drive she was most concerned with trying to snap pictures of all the accidents. She’s a twisted kid, but nothing therapy can’t work out. 

 Yesterday I spoke again at a Korean church in town. After giving my normal spiel and taking my seat, the pastor asked me to come to the front again. So I bounded up there happily, not realizing what was in store for me until I was handed a mic and a hymnal and asked to sing a solo in front of the whole church!!!!!! Boy, they’re never going to ask for THAT again!

 The newest addition to the small oil-town of Red Deer has been billboards advertising mail-order brides from Russia. With the extra influx of male workers from the East Coast, I actually think it will be a very successful venture. I just wonder what will happen to all those women left behind in Newfoundland (??)….should I start a business for male-order from Russia out there?”

Last week I had the privilege of going to Chiang Mai, Thailand for an annual ELIC conference. The flight was a bit of a journey, especially after I’ve become so accustomed to the quick 11 hour flight to Beijing! I left my house on Sunday and arrived at my final destination WEDNESDAY!

The best part was flying through Tokyo - which provided Japanese seat-buddies for me. I was excited I to finally chat up someone in my second language (however pathetic it may be), but soon realized through ethnographic observation that Japanese businessmen from Tokyo literally freeze up from shock when spoken to in their native language by a foreigner. Their minds refuse to process the information that a blondie could be speaking to them in Nipponese, and something similar to an allergic reaction occurs. The poor tormented souls seized up, both mind and body, only grunting in acknowledgement while staring at the seat-back in front of them. I think many of you gaijin can also relate to this scenario! 

It was really interesting to get to know how the organization of ELIC actually works and hear the amazing testimonies of teachers placed throughout Asia. These people, some with families of up to 6 kids, are living courageous lives in harsh countries like Laos, Tibet, Cambodia, Vietnam and China.  Talk about adventure! It is so cool to hear their stories of sacrifice to bring the gospel to these restricted countries where people otherwise don’t hear the Good News. I have decided that I will now make it my ambition to recruit more Canadian teachers this year. Countries like Tibet and Laos desperately need a few good Canucks! So if you’re thinking of making a difference in the world, and don’t know where to start….come talk to me.

On the way back to Canada I stopped in Bangkok for a night to stay with a friend. We stayed out quite late to partake in some excellent shopping and food, and so I only had a few hours of sleep before leaving for the airport at 3 in the morning. In the cab I tried to make small talk by remarking on how early it was… “wow…so early….4 am!!” but actually it was a little before 4 and the cab driver misunderstood me…he thought I need to get to the airport BY 4 am…so he proceeded to drive like a bat out of a hell along the dark highways of Bangkok. I thought Jesus was gonna take me home! HOWEVER, the driver made the 40 minute drive in about 12 minutes, so I gave him a substantial tip for his misguided effort.

Soon we will be welcoming some more teachers from Korea – you can expect some good stories then!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Currently Listening As I Am By Alicia Keys see related

Ohhhh Christmas!

   It’s that season again. The season of hockey and ice and snow and gingerbread lattes at Starbucks. The season of freezing nose tips and nights in front of the fireplace. Of sending cards that get thrown away and carols that are too cheery and played too much. The season of enduring yet another Christmas pageant and having to send presents to relatives you wish you could forget. The season of the Obligatory and the Over-priced. I hate Christmas. The real reason for Christmas was forgotten long ago when Santa and his fat butt entered the picture and started this whole giving and receiving riff-raff and now we have selfishness. Personally, I hate Christmas because I have to endure the usually fighting over present-opening time and where Christmas dinner will be eaten and the “why can’t you hurry up, we’re going to be late for church!!!“ yelling.

          However growing up in Rimbey, you always felt there was one constant amidst the hustle-bustle of the holiday season. Old Bart and his reindeer. I don’t know who old Bart actually is, and if he is significant to life or not, but he certainly thought he had a very important personal-mandate in life. Every Christmas we would hear his old rusty station wagon approaching because of the awkward honking of an old bicycle bell he had fashioned out the window. Then this would switch to the ringing sound of bells that were fashioned on the sleigh perched on top of his car - bells that were pulled by a string attached to the hand of this old man. On top of his blue station wagon would be the most horrendous sight.

       Some unsuspecting deer, which Old Bart had shot years ago and inflicted his own taxidermy on, was fashioned on top of some planks that were tied to the top of his car. One of his hooves was stretched out behind him as if he wanted to run away rather than face the humiliation inflicted on him. His fake eyeballs were too big for his head, and one was half sliding down his face. The bad stitching job around his mouth and along one side of his stomach gave him a Frankenstein appearance. Finally, Old Bart outdid himself by fashioning a big red ball to the end of the deer’s face. Unfortunately, this deprived deer didn’t have any rack. What could be worse for a deer? Behind him, because there wasn’t much car-roof room left, a small crudely hand-made sleigh sat, with a small fat stuffed Santa sitting lopsided behind. The whole image was very unsymmetrical, disturbing and hilarious.

Currently Reading The Four Loves By C.S. Lewis see related

Why I love the area I live:

1. I’m the only white person for miles
2. Half of the non-fiction books at the local public library are for ESL (English-learning)
3. Forget about our two national languages – all the signs are in English, Chinese and Korean
4. I can’t find a non-ethnic restaurant.
5. Signs on local medical clinics are as follows “no narcotics on premises”
6. It takes 3 keys and about 6 doors to get into the townhouse complex I live in.
7. The smell of pot takes over the outdoors.
8. There’s a Santa-head hanging cannibal-style from our parking garage.
9. When it snows people hit the ditch like they were lemurs jumping from a cliff.
10. The electronic bull-riding just down the road is run by a Chinese-cowboy. Yeee-haa!

Currently Reading Mountains Beyond Mountains: The Quest of Dr. Paul Farmer, a Man Who Would Cure the World By Tracy Kidder see related

Diary of a Dumb Blonde: Homeless, Unemployed and on the streets of San Fran

Dear mom, dad, halflings and everyone else,

            Now that my job is finished and we’ve sent our delegation back to their communist motherland after heartfelt tears and hugs, I find my life purposeless with no job and no home. All I can do is take one day at a time to keep myself off the streets. So if you’re wondering where I am now, I’ve taken a bit of a road-trip to California.  I didn’t really decide on this until the day before I left, when my spontaneous friend Erinn (also from Red Deer because that’s where they breed a special strand of “crazy”) decided to join in the fun.  So I’m in San Francisco this week visiting some friends.  San Francisco is one of my favorite cities!

            All through Oregon we had heavy rain and hail. So much hail. Enough hail that we thought there was snow on the ground. So it was slow-going for many hours while we wondered if the windshield would hold out on Erinn’s dad’s mini-van. We didn’t want to have to tell him we’d taken his van without his knowledge. Luckily I had covered the van in prayer and Erinn’s dad was spared the stress of knowing his vehicle has left the country.

            As we entered California, we were greeted by snow and almost no visibility after entered some mountain pass. Ok, I didn’t realize we had to conquer mountains to get to California, as I’ve never actually DRIVEN down. I guess it would help to consult a map first.  J.T. was our driving music of choice.

Currently Reading Comrades and Strangers: Behind the Closed Doors of North Korea By Michael Harrold see related

Frozen in Canada

Well, I’m stuck in an unimaginable frozen wasteland that’s been -40 at night the last few days and a “nice” temperature of -28 during the day. I really haven’t lived here in during the winter since I was 18. I keep waking up and thinking I’m stuck in “ice age”….waiting for that crazy squirrel to start chasing his nut or something.  I get in my car, huddle over the steering wheel, veer around piles of snow that’s blowing onto the road, and as I turn my eyes from the bright glare of the road-turned-ice-arena, I happen to see some other poor freak in a balaclava in the next car.  Everyone drives with full winter gear on; I suppose to survive those 5 steps from their home to vehicle, or vehicle to work.  But I’m getting used to the icy roads and snow drifts now.  I feel nerdy though, as EVERY other driver (minivan hockey-moms not excluded!) see a turn at the traffic light as an opportunity to show off by fish-tailing their vehicles. I’m not quite there yet but I’m working on it. I’m constantly amazing that people have carved an existence in this harsh environment we call Alberta.  I can’t get warm, and I have to do everything possible to talk myself out of fleeing to more humane climates. 

And…unfortunately, my body has gone in to hibernation mode, and I can’t stop the natural process of fat being stored up for the winter. It’s a vicious cycle and nature is winning. Thank GOODNESS for an indoor running track and pool at a near-by recreation centre!! It’s totally saved my life.  

My job at the pork factory is still very fun!! For the most part the students are really fun and eager to learn. I do find myself having no shortage of dinner offers from students and non-students alike but I’m getting really good at saying “no”. I’ve found it necessary to lock myself in the classroom before classes or I’ll have strange pig-killing men (not my students) wanting to chat me up.  Today just before the door closed behind me, a large Sudanese man caught the door and walked in demanding to know why I hadn’t called him after he gave me his number.  I told him I had a really jealous boyfriend who would beat me if I called other men.  Hahahahaha…..

Well, once upon a time I’d have crazy adventures almost every day, but here it’s just the regular monotony of working in a butcher’s factory and spending the rest of the time with my eyes glued to my lap-top to work on my Master’s.  I still remain pretty friendless, but partly because of my own hermit tendencies and workaholic inclinations of late.  Having a social life on top of everything would just really stress me out I think  (o^∇^o)ノ.

Wherever you are my friends, have a Merry Christmas season!!!! ♫

Hannah JOYful Joyful (◕ฺ‿◕ฺ✿ฺ)