So I'm going nuts all this time. I don't know. I'm planning on making this a very long entry and I doubt anyone will read it all the way through. Well, Darren would. Linsay has a job [go Linsay!] so she's too busy. But damn. [sigh] I feel like a bitch for still being hooked on the whole cheating business. Scott said that whenever Ray and I fight about it, people go "Oh there she is again, still being a bitch about that." That fucking sucks. I'm assuming that by "people" he really meant that only he does that, but I mean its gay anyway. Maybe someday I'll be whatever about it, but I'm so sick of people cheating like its no biggie. I want Ray to get the picture that if he cheats, he's not gonna get off light, you know? Maybe by "being a bitch still" I'm proving that to him. Maybe I'm beating a dead horse. Maybe I should just give up. God I don't want to give up.

I really do want to get over it. I love Ray so much and I don't want to drive him away with seemingly incessant bitching. But I refuse to get hurt again. And what's the point in letting him go anyway. The next guy I'd be with would cheat on me too. Just like Mike. Just like Cameron. Just like Ray. FUCK.


This sucks. Maybe I should get some hypnotherapy or something. That would have been a cool anniversary present. Ray could have taken me to get help. I would probably have taken that poorly though. [sigh again] In the end I realize that I'm probably just a terrible girlfriend.

Jesus, Autumn. Six fucking months pass and you're still hung up on that? It was one time!
But it was my best friend. And it was RIGHT ACROSS THE STREET.
And he lied about it for a week. I had to hear it from Linsay.
Everyone found out before me.
James, Scott, Sarah, Linsay.
And I just can't get over that.

Why risk someone you supposedly love
For someone you lost your chance with.
Because you "like" her.
That's retarded.
Cheating is retarded.
Thank God I'm not like that.
[sigh]

And I was going through my saved messages on myspace. And I found one from Darren with a message from Ray that he'd written to [Darren]. This is what it said:
"I have these moments where I don't want to be in a relationship, and coupled with these "hard times" [not verbatim, but Autumn basically said she was gonna be looking for me to be there hardcore...more than RayMann possible] and things just get the best of me. It's not that I wanna leave her or anything, it's just sometimes I don't feel the strongest for her like I usually/am supposed to.

And no, I'm not gonna fuck her over like Myke did. From my understanding he talked behind her back, then hated her afterwards, and it physically impossible for me to cheat, and I've constantly assured her that if anything happened between us I wouldn't want to cut all ties with her, cuz that's not me. So you have nothing to worry about."

Physically impossible my ass.
I miss Darren. All of this shit makes me miss Darren twice as much as I always do.
If you were here, Darren, I wouldn't be hurting like I am. Come home, Darren. December is too far from now.

This is just depressing.
In all likelihood, Ray will read this. Then I'll get a whole wave of HATEHATEHATE because I brought it up again.
Well fuck.
Get the fuck over it.
You put the hurt there.
Don't expect me to know how to take it out.


<|3